Want your marriage to thrive? Run  it like you would an organisation

Most people have a desire to meet and possibly settle down with the ‘right’ person. In addition, they want that relationship to last.

While considering what makes most organisations fail to operate at their best, I have noticed certain recurring factors common in every vibrant corporate culture. Some of these include dysfunctional teams, lack of a proper monitoring and evaluation plan that includes rewards, poor, or lack of visionary leadership, a poor strategy that fails to help the organisation reach its set goals, and a poor conflict management process.

We were created to be in relationships, and our relationships play a significant part in our lives. Many, when faced with the prospect of death, do not think about their achievements or how much wealth they have. In their search for comfort, because when calamity strikes us what we crave most is comfort, we reach out to our loved ones. The fact that you are rich or famous becomes meaningless when you come face-to-face with death. The truth is that all we want at that moment is to be surrounded by the people we love.

It is therefore sad that many of us do not put enough effort into making our relationships something that we can always run to when we need comfort and assurance. There are many in a one-sided relationship for instance – they give their all, but their partner just gives the bare minimum, or gives nothing at all. Author Mark Twain said, “Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”

If you are in a relationship where you are always giving but get little or nothing in return, it is time to re-evaluate your relationship.

Who is more important? Your colleague or spouse?

What surprises me is how, at the work place, people are able to resolve problems efficiently, yet when it comes to their relationship, they are unable to do it, the result being a pile up of unresolved issues that end up gradually nibbling at the relationship until it crumbles.

Think about it, how many times have you offered to serve your colleague coffee or tea even when they did not request you to do it yet you do not offer the same to your spouse? How about how you put up with a tough and ungrateful supervisor, never answering back, yet are ready to criticise and snap at your wife or husband when they fail to meet a certain obligation? What about how you stand in or cover up for your under-performing colleague, yet you tell everyone who cares to listen your spouse’s many faults? I bet that you are accommodating of constructive criticism from a fellow employee, yet you resist the same from your spouse.

To change how you react to such situations does not need much strategy, thought or planning. All that is needed is common sense – at the end of the day, when you find yourself in a tough spot, the person who you will most likely turn to for help is your spouse, not your colleague. You need to start putting the same effort you put into nurturing your friendships into your marriage.

Common sense should also tell you that the feeling of love, though great, is not all you need for a lasting, healthy and vibrant relationship. You also need to relate honestly and be willing to give of yourself.

You must also make it a habit to enjoy and appreciate the simple things in life. Common sense calls on us to be grateful for the simple things done for us, rather than assuming your husband or wife knows that you are grateful. You also need to start being in the habit of showing kindness and finding ways to serve one another, particularly in moments when your spouse does not expect or deserve it. Many of us tend to overlook this, yet it would be of great benefit to our marriage.

Even a simple thank you will do. A great relationship is one where we constantly praise and affirm each other. 

Creating a healthy environment for your relationships

I read somewhere that a happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short. Doesn’t that sound great? The art of knowing how to create meaningful conversations with your spouse brings the needed intelligence in our communication that in turn makes a relationship enjoyable. Ask yourself, for instance, which words reveal your deepest feelings but still show respect to your spouse.

The one place that you must feel confident enough to speak your mind should be your home. Your home environment must encourage easy conversations that build each other’s self-esteem. The use of intimidation or manipulative language only serves to poison your marriage.

Think about it, those who grew up in an environment where they were made to feel as if they were not good enough, or where their siblings were treated better than they were, grew up feeling demeaned and unwanted, and probably struggle with a low self-esteem. The same would happen if your spouse constantly puts you down. Everyone needs to feel included, valued, and their feelings validated, not torn down.

When I counsel husbands and wives, I advise them to grow together, including in their careers – I for instance believe that a great man is one who is not intimidated by his wife’s progress up the career ladder. I also advise couples to be open to each other, not to have any secrets between them. In my opinion, those couples that keep secrets from each other are distrustful of each other. If this describes you, what are these issues that are weighing down your marriage? To be happy and content, you need to face them and get a solution.

My wife and I have always been open with each other, and this, I believe, has contributed to our marital success. The following are the key ingredients that every marriage needs to thrive.

Cultivate relational responsibility

Marriages that operate at their best must commit to and embrace relational responsibility. When you make excuses or decide to blame your partner or external factors for your actions or inaction, it shows your failure to take responsibility, but also demonstrates a flawed character trait. People who fail to succeed in anything are normally good at making excuses to avoid taking responsibility. Take responsibility for the growth of your marriage. Our biggest problem in relationships is that we don’t like to be seen as failures. More importantly, we don’t take responsibility for our failures, however small they may be. This kills the team spirit and the ability for the relationship to perform well.

When a couple jointly accepts and takes total responsibility for everything that happens to them, they soon discover that this kind of attitude enables them to find solutions to the difficulties they face. If you are unwilling to take responsibility for your mistakes, how will you seek the solution that you need? 

Determine where you want your relationship to go:

Setting a clear direction for your relationship is one way to reduce the fights that occur for lack of focus in our marriages.

The first five years of our marriage were a challenge as my wife and I jostled for space in the relationship. In the next phase of our marriage, we had to decide what things were worth fighting about if the relationship was going to reach a certain level of fulfillment and performance. We began to identify the hindrances that stood in our way and looked for ways to deal with them. This was followed by setting simple and achievable goals which we committed ourselves to.

Lack of clear direction leaves a couple disoriented most of the time. It is like boxing in the air with no target. If every high performing company has a strategy and goals, I believe every marriage should as well. There is nothing as frustrating as a directionless relationship where you do things using trial and error. There are some people who prefer ambiguity in their relationship because it allows them to remain in control. To others, being part of a disorganised relationship gives them the leeway to avoid responsibility and accountability. When it comes to this group, it is hard to pin them down on any issue.

Once we know what we are committed to and are willing to fight for in a relationship, we are able to know the issues we are in mutual agreement on. Once that is done, we can then identify the areas we need to change. A clear picture of what we want a relationship to look like is important, otherwise it will feel as if we are walking in the dark or being taken round in cycles.

Clearly set values and goals help give direction to the relationship in the short and long-term. When we know what we are looking for, we gain peace and greater focus that in turn improves performance. 

Celebrating achievements and milestones set:

Do not assume that everything is fine in your relationship; you need to evaluate it regularly, review your performance. What we don’t set, we have no way of measuring. From my experience, when my wife and I set goals together, we achieve more than we would have had we not planned together. Setting and evaluating our goals periodically has also helped cement our marital unity.

A couple needs to take time away and evaluate their performance as a team if they want to realise their goals. It is important for them to monitor and share their progress in attaining their goals in parenting, investment, intimacy issues, communication, use of time and many other areas. Also, where there is good progress, there is need to celebrate our achievements.

As you rethink your relationship, ponder what Albert Einstein once said: “Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.“ 

Some effort and commitment in the areas that matter in your relationship will steer it in the right direction.