I’m 45, he’s 32; tell me why I shouldn’t  marry  him?

Dear Kitoto, 

I am a woman aged 45 in a relationship with a man aged 32.

I need your advice on why I should not marry him. I love him and it’s not because I haven’t had marriage offers from older men but he is a very good man. Please be as honest as you can.

Anonymous

Hi,

That would be my question exactly: “Why not marry him?” You see, this is the game changing question in relationships. Why marry one man and not the other one? What makes a particular person more appealing and, therefore, a better candidate for marriage? You say you love him and I cannot dispute that. The only person who can truly know that is you. Similarly, he is the only person who can tells us the truth whether he truly loves you.

However, certain key factors are crucial to what informs a man to ask for a woman’s hand in marriage.

First is the whole issue of love. In relationships, love is a decision and a choice one makes to commit themselves to the other unreservedly. Ever thought of the vows a couple makes at their wedding. It is a promise to love through all seasons. The question is whether you see yourself in the same light.

The second issue has to do with compatibility. This is about whether the two of you can coexist,  regardless of your differences and still know how to amicably resolve your issues. Apart from the fact that you are a woman and he is a man, what else if different? Are there any core values that are important to you that you do not share? If there is nothing, then I do not see anything that should hold you back. But if you find that your partner does not share most of your core beliefs and values, it is time to reconsider. Marriage is not just about a feeling of love. There are moments when these feelings are not there, but the commitment to stay together is governed by the reasons that led to you to make the choice you made.

The third issue is why someone accepts a marriage proposal has to do with a joint marital vision. Is this the person you see yourself growing old together with? What do you envisage for your preferred future that you share? Companies and organisations have vision statements. I believe an important institution like marriage should not be entered into hurriedly.

That said, let me touch on something you shared. This has to do with your age difference. Could this be causing you concern? If so, you need to address it frankly with him. My guess is that by now he has an idea concerning your age. What do you think would happen if he gets to know, in case he does not already?

That he is 32 and you are 45 is nothing to worry about, so long as both of you are on the same page. My wife always says that age is just a number. Let me be quick to add that there are people who take the age issue very seriously. I am not sure in which category your boyfriend falls. I suggest that you have an honest conversation on this. What you should not do is push everything under the carpet and assume that he does not need to know. If it is bothering you, it could as well be bothering him.

If you allow yourself to be driven by fear, with time it will work against you and destroy your confidence. What is important is a healthy self-esteem and view of yourself, honest and open communication and an ability not to let other people drive you to self-pity. Learn to love and affirm yourself.