Why should I bother to get married?

Dear Pastor Kitoto,

I cannot thank you enough for this platform, which has been of great help to many. I am single, in my 20s and in a serious relationship. Lately, I’m beginning to wonder about the role of a man in the family. I attended a bridal shower where an older woman had been invited to advise the bride on how to be a good wife.

She covered areas such as sex and money, the spiritual aspect, the kitchen, and several social matters. Afterwards, I wondered whether men are taught all these things. If they aren’t, then what other role will he play in marriage apart from helping provide considering women are also bread winners?

As you can imagine, after this event, I was left feeling as if marriage is a burden to woman, and that the role men play in it is quite insignificant. If a woman is capable of providing for herself and taking care of herself, then why get married?

Please help me understand.

Hi there,

I am grateful that this column is making a positive impact in the lives of young people like you.

Relationships become better when we embrace an attitude of learning and growing through the challenges we face. The learning you are experiencing today should inform and challenge you to develop a healthy view of life issues, not to make you afraid. Nothing comes easy. Many people complain about how tough education is, but there are many others that go further and say that though education is tough, it pays in the end.

When it comes to relationships, many singles and married people have been hurt, wounded and disappointed by people they had loved with their all their heart, and as a result, some go on to develop a negative attitude towards marriage and relationships.

Going back to the conversation you were part of during that bridal shower, I am of the opinion that as much as some of the stories people tell about relationships are true, they should not discourage us from forming relationships because someone else’s experience need not be yours. Models of marriage differ. For instance,  those who were brought up in homes where one parent was manipulative, domineering and controlling, might believe that this is how all marriages operate. As for those whose parents had a harmonious relationship and who seemed happy together, they grow up with this image, and believe that this is how marriage should be.

Since I was not privy to the details of the conversations that took place at the bridal shower, it is not possible to comment on everything that you heard, however, I can authoritatively point out that your fears are based on the experiences and opinions of just one person, so they are baseless.

I doubt all married women see things this way, and if asked, would not agree with this older woman’s viewpoint. I am of course not implying that all men are responsible and go over and above their call of duty in marriage, and that you will never be burdened in one way or another once you get married. What I am saying is that there is nothing like a perfect marriage, that sometimes there will be imbalances.

OPENNESS AND TRANSPARENCY

When these imbalances happen, you and your husband will have to be quick to notice them and be willing to rectify them. The fact is that while marriage is pleasurable and stimulating, it requires hard work.

Here is the thing; there are lazy, unfaithful, and irresponsible men, but there are also lazy, manipulative and arrogant women. However, great relationships are made of two imperfect people living out their life in this imperfect world. Knowing this is sobering because successful relationships that bring happiness and fulfillment must be cultivated.

A good place to start is first getting to know your partner. Openness and transparency is one of the most important keys to a happier marriage. This means no keeping secrets from each other and allowing your partner to have access to all areas of your life. This might make you feel vulnerable, but it is important to find safety in each other.

Secondly, for marriage to succeed, there needs to be mutual submission. It is said that marriage is a partnership, however, I am of the opinion that each should bring 100 per cent, not 50 per cent into the marriage.

Also, to succeed and thrive, your marriage should be grounded on key values. You should also have shared dreams, shared goals. It is also important to develop a healthy view of self and others - how you view yourself is key to how you will relate to others. Your approach to marriage might also be determined by your worldview about relationships, and will play a major role in how you respond to your husband and wife as you move along this journey called life.

Learn to reject compromise that negatively affects you: Positive compromise helps a couple meet halfway whenever they disagree, however, if compromise is reached through intimidation and taking advantage of the other person, this is not real compromise, and will in fact trigger more misunderstanding and more negativity, including resentment and reduced intimacy. If your spouse regularly intimidates you into giving in, it is time to say No!

Defend what you think is right and have chosen to believe in: Do not allow yourself to be influenced by stereotypes or what most people believe as true. For instance, I have heard it said that it is the responsibility of the woman to make a man sexually satisfied. The only thing this does is feed into the selfishness of the man, forgetting that God gave us sex for mutual pleasure and satisfaction.

Knowing how God has gifted us is key to creating harmony in marriage: There are certain roles that we can never run away from in marriage. For example, pregnancy and child-bearing is not a task a woman can exchange with a man. God wired and created us that way. That said, there are many other roles that are neither a man’s nor a woman’s.

I have on many occasions made myself a cup of tea, and I know many men who enjoy cooking for their families - there is nothing wrong with this. In my case, my wife finds great pleasure in preparing us meals, so she does it most of the time.

In a nutshell, marriage is about give and take, and it is the duty of both the husband and wife to make it work by giving it their all.