KITOTO: My boyfriend is a fickle cheat, can he change?

Dear Kitoto,

I am a 33-year-old mother of a six-year-old daughter. I just broke up with my boyfriend after three years of being together. It was all rosy at the beginning, until I discovered he was cheating on me with his ex. He admitted to cheating on me and sought forgiveness; and I forgave him.

Since he had not introduced me to his family members or friends, I gave him a condition — that he had to introduce me to them, especially to his family. One year down the line he had not done so. We would plan to go see his parents, but he would cancel suddenly without a sufficient explanation. This happened several times.

I also discovered that he was still communicating with his ex. He spends a lot of time with his friends, whom I have never met. He is rude and insensitive to my feelings; he is also protective of his phone and he often cancel our plans and doesn’t bother to inform me until I call him.

I am tired and I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with him. He is begging me to take him back, saying that he will now do everything right. However, my question is, if for the last one year he has not kept any of the promises he made and he has not done anything right, what has changed?

He has not earned my trust yet. Do you really think he will change for the better and should I give him another chance?

Hello,

The decision to change is personal; that is a journey he has to go on by himself. Neither you, nor any other person, can force your boyfriend to change. If he is changing to make you happy, that might not work. You cannot change to please another person; you have to do it for yourself. 

That said, to sustain a mature, productive, long-term relationship, both parties have to grow up. Each partner must initiate change in himself/herself because he/she wants to be a better person. I sense a level of selfishness and stubbornness in your partner that could be the result of his attitude toward change.

For this relationship to survive, you must both see the benefit that change would bring to the relationship. If he can’t see what you see, then it will be hard for him to follow through and change.

Secondly, you must desire to grow together, not apart. The lack of desire to change for his own personal growth and for the benefit of the relationship is making the two of  you move in different directions.

Thirdly, for this relationship to work, you need to find a mentor. Make a list of everyone you know who is in a marriage or relationship that you admire. Think about what you admire about them and seek them out for mentorship. Mentoring is a powerful source of new experiences, knowledge and inspiration. You can also supplement mentorship by reading quality books on relationships together.