My miserable childhood has left me fearful and confused

When I am alone, I think a lot and wonder about many things. Throughout my life, I haven’t been close to either my parents or siblings. All my mum and dad did was criticise and make me cry until I ran to my bedroom. PHOTO | FILE

What you need to know:

  • Throughout my life, I haven’t been close to either my parents or siblings. All my mum and dad did was criticise and make me cry until I ran to my bedroom. Similarly, my siblings made my life difficult.
  • It was an environment of fear, favouritism and competition driven by the comparisons our parents drew between us.
  • The women have abandoned me for other men. Simply put, the result has been that I don’t have the confidence to approach other women.

Hi,

I am a 25-year-old student about to graduate from university. Throughout my life, I haven’t been close to either my parents or siblings. All my mum and dad did was criticise and make me cry until I ran to my bedroom. Similarly, my siblings made my life difficult. It was an environment of fear, favouritism and competition driven by the comparisons our parents drew between us.

Was it my fault that I was a stammerer? It seems as if when I was asked a question, I would answer  quite coherently. I am grateful to my aunt who supported and encouraged me a lot.

Until now, I still have some whenever I want to take any step. When I am with confrontational people, I lose my self-confidence. All the relationships I have tried to enter into have ended in disaster. The women have abandoned me for other men. Simply put, the result has been that I don’t have the confidence to approach other women.

When I am alone, I think a lot and wonder about many things. I have been going to church of late and praying that this fear will  go away one day. I need help.

 

Hi,

I empathise with you regarding what you have been through. However, before we get to discussing all that, I want to congratulate you for keeping a level head and fighting great odds to get to university. Since this is your final year, I encourage you to celebrate your achievement. You have done it. Thank God and focus on what lies ahead.

Life is  not — and has never been — easy. I have not walked the road you have walked but I thank you for being honest in sharing your struggles. With the hurdle of education and some level of success in sight, I encourage you  to now focus on dealing with this shadow from the past emotional pain, wounds, and rejection.

Everyone needs some level of affection and affirmation, particularly from those they love. Your family has not treated you well, but for how long do you want to keep holding this pain?

 I suggest that you deal with it by forgiving them and not seeking to give an eye for an eye. Instead, love them because love does not keep a record of wrongs. You probably know this  because you know what treating other people badly does to them. Make a conscious decision not to do it to them. You have gone beyond that point. Just work on your inner fears. Draw on your current success for encouragement. If you manage to do that, what else will be difficult?

INNER FEARS

We are all special so the way other people treat us does not change that. You might have been a stammerer, but there are many people who stammer, even into adulthood. It is said that the home environment and history plays a part. Whatever the cause(s), if it still affects you, seeing a speech therapist or a counsellor might help. If it has stopped,

I urge you to focus on overcoming your past fears and refuse to let them to block the path to your future. Maintian a close relationship with your aunt. Allow her to help you walk the road of reconciliation with your parents in the areas you feel they hurt you.

The success of your current relationships hangs a lot on how you deal with your inner fears, wounds and emotional desperation. You have started well by making this disclosure. Talking to people who can shed some light and contribute positively to help you reconcile with that past is a good  way to go. Your feeling of helplessness might be pushing you towards inactivity.

However, this is the only mountain that is keeping you from dealing with the fears from your past. You are now at the university and no longer under the direct control of your family.

As Eleanor Roosevelt, the wife of former US president Franklin D. Roosevelt said, “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” Your dream to settle down with a great woman someday should not die just because it did not work with the few you tried to date.

I suggest that you look beyond this and know that all things are possible to them that believe. You should realise that the faith that has brought you this far will carry you into your married life. All you need to do is remain focused.

To move forward with focus, I would suggest that you:

1) Deal with the fears from your past;

2) Forgive you family as part of your inner healing;

3) Maintain close ties with your aunt;

4) Visit your pastor or a professional counsellor; and 

5) Believe that all things are possible.