My talk of abortion put her off

Hi Kitoto,

More than a year ago, I made my girlfriend pregnant. I had just finished university and was jobless. Out of ignorance, I told her to abort, and that really annoyed her. After a short while, I apologised to her. I am still have been looking for a job, so she had to use her own money to pay for her antenatal clinic visits.

When she was about six months pregnant, I again got on her wrong side when she found a flirty text message on my phone.   I  apologised to her but since that day things have never been the same.

When she was about to deliver, I sent her a considerable amount of money that I had saved from my odd jobs. Surprisingly, when she delivered she did not inform me.  What’s more, she rejected  the little shopping I had done for our newborn daughter.

Neither of us is employed but her family takes our daughter to the Nairobi Hospital for her immunization, yet they know I cannot afford the charges there.

I am trying my best and send child support for our daughter although it’s usually not enough. She has not allowed me to see my daughter, who is now seven months old; I have only seen her photographs.

What should I do?

Hi,

Premarital sex continues to be viewed lightly by many and of no consequence. As you rightly said, when the pregnancy came, the only option you could think of was  an abortion. No one but you can change your views on  abortion or the you live your life.  But she also has the right to live her life the way she wants.

When you talk to the victims of abortion, you will find many with an inner, unending silent cry. As for what she   is going through, it is up to you to find out and see how you fit in. This is because women are more affected by the effects of abortion than men. I guess your girlfriend found it better to go through the whole thing with the support of those who could understand.

When a pregnancy is unexpected, those involved cannot think straight. The chances of blaming each other  or concealing the pregnancy, through abortion, for example, are high.  However, what you did not realise is thatwhen two adults engage in sex, there are consequences for which you must take personal responsibility. I say that, just like the  sex was consensual, you should have approached the pregnancy as a joint problem that needed a joint solution.

I really do not see and sense of remorse or sympathy towards what your girlfriend might be facing. All  your’e  worried about are the expenses relating to  the baby. But as much as the pregnancy was unexpected and you were both unemployed, you needed to approach it together and to prepare for the responsibility ahead.

I can only guess that your girlfriends’s reaction to your suggestion that she  abort  came as a shock to her. I believe that is why she when quiet on you. Could this have been a clash of values? The realisation that every choice has consequences must have made her rethink your suggestion. Two wrongs never make a right. As far as she was concerned, this pregnancy changed everything and yet the only friend she trusted and could rely on was not there for her.

Finances remain a problem in many relationships. Having some source of income helps you meet the needs in a relationship. Still, lack of a stable job was not a good reason to tell her to abort. This child could have been born and given up for adoption. Although both of you are still jobless, I suggest that, as you focus on finding a job, you also try to deal with any unresolved issues between you. You need to settl such issues, whether or not she wants to get back with you. If not, look for ways of supporting your child as you move on with life.