My estranged husband does not deserve happiness

Dear Kitoto,

I am seeking answers, and in the process, I am hurting and don’t know what to do. You see, I was only 22 when I got married – mine was a church wedding.

Soon after marriage, my husband started to drink heavily. I had noticed this problem while we were dating; I would visit him and sometimes find him blacked out. I tried to intervene by asking his friends to tell him to stop this habit, but it did not work.

I went on to marry him, in my naivety thinking I could change him. From the word go the marriage was tough; he rarely spent time at home. Eventually, he lost his job, since he was unable to report on time because he would be nursing a hangover.

We got into financial problems so bad, we were unable to pay rent. The auctioneers came for our household goods and the landlord kicked us out. It is then that I decided to just pack my bags and leave with our three children. I lived with my parents for over 10 years, during which he did not contribute towards their upkeep.

I was forced to file the matter in court, and he was jailed briefly. When he was released, he became hostile, vengeful and still neglectful, even though the court had ordered him to pay our children’s school fees. During our separation, I managed to build myself and my children a home and took them to school. We are very close.

About a year ago, I learnt that he was living with someone else and that they have a child. What should I do?

Some friends have advised me to forcefully evict that woman from the home she and my husband share since legally, my husband and I are still married.

My church says that should you divorce, you must remain single and not remarry, something that I find difficult to do since I am naturally an affectionate and loving person and cannot envision remaining single forever. Again, he mainly contributed to the downfall of our marriage, so why should I suffer for the rest of my life while he continues with his?

Please tell me what to do about this relationship.

Hi there,

First, thank you for your honesty. I must congratulate you for remaining focused and hopeful. It is not easy living with an alcoholic and raising three children without your husband’s support. Alcoholism destroys relationships and curtails personal progress, as your experience shows. There are many issues you have raised that are connected to this problem: alcoholics tend to neglect their families, they tend to become irresponsible, promiscuous, they lie and lack self-control in many areas.

I am not sure whether the level your husband is at it can be referred to as a disorder, however, it is clear that he is dependent on alcohol. Alcohol, to him, is the most important thing in their life. The fact that he has a family is not of consequence to him, that is why he moved on and seems not to be concerned about you or your children.

You have two options - either to seek a way of repairing the relationship you walked away from 10 years ago, or to forget about your marriage once and for all and focus on caring for your children. You have to remember that you cannot change your husband - this problem has been running for 10 years. Only God can change him, even then, he needs to have a resolve within him to make the change required.

Should you decide to go back to him in this state, you must acknowledge a couple of factors: one, there is someone else in his life, two, you have been apart for 10 years; is he interested in salvaging your marriage? Three, should he decide that he wants to give the marriage another go, do you have the will power to walk with him on the road to restoration whatever it might take? You also need to acknowledge that this is a tough road, and that you cannot afford to turn back. The fact is that your husband has been caught in a web he is unable to break out of. The future will depend on how resourceful you will be in using the open doors God gives you to help him in the recovery process without being vengeful or accusatory in word or deed.

I must commend you for your focus and patience in raising your children and setting the foundation for their future. Indeed, your husband will always be their father, no matter what. Whatever happens in the future, see him as a friend in need of help. Constant love, assurance and support may be the best avenue to get him on the path towards recovery. Encourage him to seek help, it would also be good for your children to see him change for a better person.

Blame, intimidation or allowing yourself to be driven by bitterness and anger will not help. I also believe that another marriage may not be the answer to your situation. There are many who have abandoned their marriage for another, sure that the second one would be better, only to get into a worse one. The truth is that there are no guarantees in marriage. Faith wise, I believe your pastor has pointed you towards the right direction. That said, faith is a personal matter. Through your personal relationship with God, prayer and counsel from your pastor, I believe you will find the help you need. This far you have done well for yourself and your children, don’t allow yourself to retract. Remain focused for your sake and that of your children.