My husband is cheating with my colleague

Dear Philip,

I have been married for the last 16 years and we have been blessed with three children. 

Over the last three weeks, I learnt from my sister, that my husband is having an affair with a woman I know well. In fact we work in the same institution and even I communicate with her.

This whole affair is killing me inside.  I need to know how to confront both of them because I feel that is the only way I will have peace.

Joyce

Hi,

Let me start by apologising for the delay in responding to your mail. Please note that, we receive very many emails and seek to respond to as many as we can. We may or may not respond within your time frame.

An affair is emotionally, psychologically, and physically draining to a relationship. Furthermore, 16 years of marriage is not a small matter.

When we understand that marriage connects people at an emotional and physiological level beyond what is realised physically, then, the emergence of an affair in a marriage becomes one of the most emotionally painful human experiences.

This explains the levels of rage, vindictiveness, grief, and despair that so often characterises the period.

As for you, the desire is to meet both parties and deal with this issue. What you fail to realise is how deeply wounded you are at he moment. In addition, their is the hope that this .could just as well be not true.

But, when we come face to face with the truth, the amount of bad memories and hurt from this event will roll up all other past hurts and wounds which will threaten to cripple and blind you from seeing yourselves and those who have wounded you the way God sees them.

LETTING GO

Emotional wounds resulting from such events can keep us in bondage and prevent the healing power from working within us and bringing us the peace you are talking about.

Someone once said that the sickness of the emotions comes because of what is done to us, which makes us really deal betrayed.

The initial reaction to an affair for some is therefore shock, which in a way works as an emotional protection that keeps us from being overwhelmed by the thought of the betrayal.

I suggest that you get all the facts together, get sober and reflect on your actions before you step in to deal with the issue. In moments of pain, what we do with a particular hurt is probably more important than the hurt itself.

The second step in dealing with this issue is letting go of this past that has caused you this pain and hurt is seek healing for self and your relationship.

This is where forgiveness comes in. Forgiveness doesn’t just say, “I agree with what they did to me ... I know it was wrong.” Instead, forgiveness  goes further to say that, “I may or may not agree with what was done to me, but I choose to forgive unconditionally.” Why? Because as much as forgiveness gives the offender what they do not deserve, it frees us from seeking revenge.

In fact, forgiveness is not a sign of weakness but a journey that brings us to the realisation that, we need the same forgiveness that we are also giving to others.

So three things are key for you: First, be sober, seek clarity before you confront. Your sister and husband are key in this.

Second, don’t allow shock or past issues to clog your mind. Seek to free yourself from this and run towards the side that says, I will channel my wounds and hurts in the right manner.

Finally, forgive and seek to re-establish the building of trust and accountability in your relationship.