My mother hates my wife, and it’s killing me

My mother has never had a good word to say about my wife, and uses every opportunity to bad-mouth and gossip about her. She has succeeded to make everyone believe that my wife is a very bad person. PHOTO | FILE

What you need to know:

  • She has succeeded to make everyone believe that my wife is a very bad person. She often complains that she prevents me from financially assisting them, which is not the case since I have provided lots of support to them in the past despite the difficult economic situation I am in.
  • On many occasions, I have had to step in and tell my mother to stop meddling in my marriage. As all this happens, my father is usually silent by my mother’s side as if he agrees with her. My Parents pretend to love me yet treat my family like garbage in my absence.
  • I have missed several family get-togethers as a result of this never-ending conflict, which is causing me a lot of distress.

Hi Pastor Kitoto,

You do a commendable job advising Kenyans on how to nurture their relationships.

I am a 38-year-old man married to a wonderful woman. We have two children. In my 10-year marriage, I have had several conflicts with my parents and siblings, who have developed great hatred for my wife. My mother has never had a good word to say about my wife, and uses every opportunity to bad-mouth and gossip about her.

She has succeeded to make everyone believe that my wife is a very bad person. She often complains that she prevents me from financially assisting them, which is not the case since I have provided lots of support to them in the past despite the difficult economic situation I am in.

On many occasions, I have had to step in and tell my mother to stop meddling in my marriage. As all this happens, my father is usually silent by my mother’s side as if he agrees with her. My Parents pretend to love me yet treat my family like garbage in my absence.

This has strained my relationship with my parents and siblings as I seek to shield my wife from them. I live with my family in Mombasa town while my parents live further inland. I have missed several family get-togethers as a result of this never-ending conflict, which is causing me a lot of distress.

I have even sent a respected person to my parents to convey my feelings but they have refused to change their attitude. I know they want to break up my family, something I will never allow. How does one handle such conflict? I am looking forward to your view on this.

GM

 

Hi GM,

One person put it this way, “In-laws should be out-lawed.” This is of course a hard statement that could be informed by the pain and difficulty many young marriages have undergone due to interference from insensitive and selfish in-laws. However, this may not be said of all in-laws.

There are definitely many that have saved many marriages from disintegrating by helping resolve the issues that may be affecting their children’s relationships. That said, the question that begs an answer is why many marriages are going through difficulty due to meddling from in-laws.

From your email, I feel that the real issues affecting the relationship between your wife and your parents are not clear. You therefore need to get to the bottom of the matter, especially since you say that unlike what your mother claims, you make an effort to assist them financially.

I suggest that in spite of your hurt, you remember that your parents and siblings are still your family, and so your children need to get to know them for posterity and a sense of belonging. Also important to remember is that your family – your wife and children, are looking to you for protection and growth, it is therefore important to achieve a healthy balance between your two families.

I must commend you for your desire to protect your marriage, however, you need to get to the bottom of what is causing these tensions while being careful not to be negatively influenced while at it. Since your wife knows that you support her, instead of her carrying pain and rejection, encourage her to show love and reconciliation towards your family.

Keeping a distance from them is not the solution as you have seen since the matter is still causing you great distress. Reach out to them and get to the heart of the matter.