My quest for an HIV positive man futile

My fear is that you could end up as his financier, but not the woman from whom he gets romantic love. FILE PHOTO

What you need to know:

  • Do not embrace a self-limiting view of life but rather, learn to embrace life to its fullest.
  • True love does not discriminate but is about sacrifice and openness.

I am a 29-year-old, HIV-positive graduate. I have been positive for more than 20 years. My problem is dating; I tend to find only men who are HIV-negative or whose status I don’t know. I am not the kind of person who discloses their status easily. I have tried dating sites and meet either people who live outside the country, or the same people I have been meeting. I feel comfortable only dating a man of the same status.
Am I wrong to want to date only an HIV-positive man? Are there people in a similar situation? I have not been in a relationship for five years and I am worried that I might never get married. People ask me why I don’t want to get married yet I have a good job and everything going for me. What would you advise?
RC

Hi,
Let me begin my saying that you are not the only one in this situation. I also fully appreciate your desire to have a spouse and settle down.

However, I must also say that marriage is not the ultimate source of meaning and self-confidence you seek in life.

A good marriage is a daily journey of love and commitment, regardless of the tough times.

STIGMATISATION

We live in a society that stigmatises people living with HIV. In addition, there are many people living with HIV who still fear revealing their status.

Only your self-perception will give you the courage to live.

However, your greatest challenge is to accept your status and feel free to talk about it without entertaining any kind of intimidation or judging yourself too harshly.

Your identity is not defined by your status. You must realise that you have a lot to offer that goes beyond your HIV status.

OPEN UP

One of the most liberating things you can do is not only accepting your status, but also living positively and freely.

You are not less of a human being just because you are HIV- positive.

There are many happily married, HIV-positive people. Your view of yourself is key to the freedom you need.

Do not embrace a self-limiting view of life but rather, learn to embrace life to its fullest.

Despite your status, you can enjoy a lifelong relationship.

Part of the journey is your willingness to be open about your condition.

This also opens the door for you to be vulnerable with those around you, especially if they are family or caring individuals who want more than just friendship.

MARITAL LIFE
Despite your status, you should not feel judged or condemned, but rather, that you have a support system that you can rely on.

As you think about settling down, you must ask yourself where you see yourself in the future.

What kind of man do you see yourself settling down with?

Just because a man is of the same status as you does not mean that he will be more loving and kind.

If he has not confronted his own past and come to terms with his status, then he will make it even more difficult for you to relate with him in a healthy way.

You should realise that love is self-giving. True love does not discriminate but is about sacrifice and openness.

CONFRONT FEAR
Rather than focusing on your status and making it the most important thing, why don’t you build some genuine relationships with those around you and then allow them to thrive?

Some of the most wholesome relationships began as rich friendships.

HIV can be managed and I hope that with time you will be able to come out and share your status with those closest to you.

There is a need for you to confront your fears.

Ask yourself the worst thing that would happen if those around discovered your status.

Don’t live in denial but rather, allow your status to be a stepping stone for you to influence and touch others.

Lastly, let me say that you can be in a relationship and still not be happy.

It does not guarantee you joy. True joy and fulfilment comes from giving of yourself.

My boyfriend’s ex won’t leave us alone

Dear Philip,

God bless you for the good work you are doing.

I am writing to seek your advice regarding my relationship with my boyfriend, with whom I have been for a year now. When I met him, he told me that he had two children with his former girlfriend, whom he did not want to marry because he could not tolerate some of her behaviours. However, he supports them financially.
The problem is that she has not accepted the fact that he has chosen another woman to marry and is, therefore, stressing him, saying she wants to move in with him, sending me abusive messages and warning me never to go near him. Then I discovered that I am carrying my boyfriend’s child, yet and the situation with his former girlfriend remains unresolved.
My boyfriend always assures me that I am the one he loves and begs me not to leave him. I am really confused because I feel the pain of the other woman, but I also don’t want to end up being a single mother since I have a child from my previous relationship, which did not work.
Please advise me what to do, given that I love this man dearly. I am stressed and keep thinking about this situation all the time.
Florence,

Hi,

Thank you for your kind words. We are still committed as a team to ensuring that we provide a forum where relationship issues can be discussed.

Some of the key pillars of enjoying a fulfilling relationship are trust, faithfulness, full disclosure and total commitment.

I really cannot tell why you feel this is the man for you.

From where I stand, I see some loopholes in your relationship that started forming right from the start.

This man had two children with a woman whom he is estranged from and then went on to make you pregnant within the first year of your relationship with him.

I have a feeling that you are being used by this man to satisfy his own desires.

I do not see why you should be fighting his battles.

I don’t think his assurances are enough to deal with the outstanding issues between him and his former girlfriend.

Could there be more that he is not telling you?

Is he sincere or taking me for a ride?

Dear Mr Kitoto,

I am 32 and have been in a relationship with a 23-year-old man for the past two years. We have been supportive of each other and have grown in different areas together as a couple. We live together and our parents and family members are aware of our relationship and have no issues with it. However, I have a few concerns.

One, I have been supporting him financially with his university studies and feel that he has been taking me for granted. Why do I say this? Because he gets upset when I do not give him money, yet he says he is not with me for the money. The other day he said it seems I did not give him money for transport because I was testing him to see whether he would leave me. I honestly did not have any money on the said day. How can I work around the finance situation with him because I have been more than supportive yet feel that we seem not to be looking at the money situation from the same angle?

Two, whenever we have a disagreement, he reacts by either going silent or by updating posts on his Facebook page meant to send messages to me such as, “All men have a female best friend who people think is more than a friend” when confronted with the issue described in the paragraph below. Once he even blocked me from his WhatsApp and posted a photo of himself with a classmate to spite me. I find his behaviour rather childish at such times and as much as I do not acknowledge or react, it would be nice to know how to handle it or help him deal with his emotions or disappointments better. Since he is 23, I know that there is a disparity in maturity between us.

Finally, and most unsettling, he has been friends with a classmate of his for a while, which eventually ended up turning into an emotional affair. I brought it to his attention and he stopped escorting her from class, going to her place, confiding intimate information about us to her, seeing her secretly, et cetera.

However, he still communicates with her, though not as often as he used to, and that does not sit well with me. Recently, I told him I would not tolerate his communicating with her, which led to two days of silence. He later told me that they had spoken during that period but I did not respond in any way.

How can I deal with this situation because I know I do not wish to be in a relationship with a man having an emotional affair, which he seems rather reluctant to end, claiming they can be just friends simply because he is no longer doing what he used to?

Esther

Hi,

In most cases age does not matter, so long as the two of you agree that you will not make it an issue.

After all, there is only a nine-year difference between the two of you. That said, I must say that in your case, as the older one in the relationship, you are bound to find him not engaging you at your level.

His reasoning regarding the way you are handling finances is a case in point.

His idea is to manipulate and intimidate you with such comments: I can only guess that he feels you need his youth while he needs your support.

It is obvious that your frustration with him borders on how the two of you see and process issues.

The issue with self-control can only be solved if he is associates with more mature men.

I suggest that you sit down and have a frank discussion.

His association with a classmate is something that I feel is intentional and needs to be confronted.

My fear is that you could end up as his financier, but not the woman from whom he gets romantic love.

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