My wife has a man friend whom she keeps flirting with on phone

She literally lives on the phone and walks with it everywhere she goes within the house. When she discovered I had seen some of the conversation she hid the phone and deleted the chat. PHOTO | FILE

What you need to know:

  • She hid the phone and deleted the chat. When I asked her she denied having chatted with anybody. When I insisted she owned up and said she doesn’t know why she deleted the chat and said there was nothing between them.
  • We talked and I thought I would forgive her but I realised that the contact still continued. When she is home she disconnects the Internet when she is not near her phone probably fearing a message will come in and I will read it.
  • There is a lie out there that flirting feels so good. However, the pain and the destruction that follows may be irreparable. Some reasons people think flirting is pleasurable include: a feeling that it helps keep one’s sexuality alive and makes them feel better about their own attractiveness; it makes one feel more confident about themselves and their abilities.

Dear Mr Kitoto,

Thank you for your practical advice on relationships. I am almost 40 and have been married for almost 10 years with two lovely children. Early in our relationship, I suspected my wife (then girlfriend) was cheating on me with an ex but after getting reassurance from her, I forgot about it and we moved on and got married. I later discovered she was actually cheating on me.

A few years into the marriage a friend provided me with evidence of her cheating but when I realised the girl was also interested in a relationship with me I discussed the issue with my wife and we soldiered on together.

She travels a lot and of late, I noticed a complete change in her behaviour when she comes home. She literally lives on the phone and walks with it everywhere she goes within the house. She recently came to the bedroom when she thought I was asleep and started chatting with a male friend at about 11pm. When she discovered I had seen some of the conversation she hid the phone and deleted the chat. When I asked her she denied having chatted with anybody. When I insisted she owned up and said she doesn’t know why she deleted the chat and said there was nothing between them.

We talked and I thought I would forgive her but I realised that the contact still continued. When she is home she disconnects the Internet when she is not near her phone probably fearing a message will come in and I will read it. I also realised she is ridiculing me with her boyfriend and there is no longer exclusivity between us. If anything, I am the stranger.

This to me sounds like she was not genuine in her apology and I have no trust left. I have put a lot in this marriage but cannot stand a cheating wife. We married in church but I want out. I wonder whether I have grounds to ask for a divorce and I am so confused about the children who are innocent in all this. Despite small misunderstandings here and there, people around us believe we have a perfect marriage.

Marcus

 

Hi,

In any relationship, a couple embrace certain pillars that support the building of intimate and healthy relationship. From the inception of your relationship, it is clear that the two of you have struggled on the issue of values. Any relationship must embrace honesty and faithfulness; values that will help built trust between the couple. What I see is a relationship where there is no agreement on the importance of adopting such values into your relationship. Sadly, in some relationships, some people justify their actions by arguing that, “if you flirt with someone, it doesn’t have to mean that you’re interested in sleeping with them. You’re just having an interesting conversation that makes you realise just how attractive you really are.” Basically, you are seeking affirmation that you might not be getting in your marriage.

However, this argument has deflected the real intent of the flirting and how it could negatively affect the marriage or relationship. Many couples who struggle with values such as honesty and faithfulness may need  to identify the root cause of the defiance to remain faithful to your partner and the values you subscribe to — and to follow through on the agreed upon family values that support harmonious interaction in marriage. It is one thing to identify values to subscribe to and totally another to submit oneself to and adopt such values. As far as your relationship is concerned, there is a life your wife thinks she will project to you and to the outside world of your friends that may not necessarily be the true replica of the life she lives when alone.

There is a lie out there that flirting feels so good. However, the pain and the destruction that follows may be irreparable. Some reasons people think flirting is pleasurable include: a feeling that it helps keep one’s sexuality alive and makes them feel better about their own attractiveness; it makes one feel more confident about themselves and their abilities.

Could this teach us on how we can protect our spouse from flirting by providing what they could be lacking in the relationship. Many spouses ignore their spouse’s feeling and emotional needs which in turn makes them lures into flirting. Of course, they need self discipline; however, this does not remove us from fulfilling our obligation.

When you are able to engage your wife at all levels and seek to meet her emotional needs, then she should be easy to reach. If the root cause of your wife’s behaviour stems from her upbringing or her past exposure and associations, then she has to make a determined effort to disconnect from such practice and embrace values that support oneness in the union she entered 10 years ago.

One of the phrases she has to remember committing herself to was to “forsake all others” and in turn commit herself to you. At times breaking oneself free from such habits and friends that would negatively work against the marriage relationship requires discipline and self control. I am not sure how the two of you have been handling this issue.

Conflict management not only requires identification and discussion on the issue bringing pain in the relationship, but also a calls for the setting of goals to be observed if new practices have to be cultivated. Admission and confession of sin must be followed by responsible behaviour.

Since your wife’s biggest issue is to refrain from this practice and also from those who influenced her negatively. I suggest that you identify a Christian counsellor to give you support and help your wife gain the confidence to let go of the past.