My wife’s unfaithful, her mother insensitive; what a life!

Dear Kitoto,

I have been married for five years. My son is aged four. My wife joined Facebook in April after the celebration of our fifth anniversary in March. She kept this from me for a month, not knowing that I had found out from the deleted emails in her address.

When she finally informed me that she had joined Facebook, I did not comment. She knew we had sworn never to be there. I helped her to change her password so that I could also access the account.

The password was later abruptly changed and I could no longer access the account. I became suspicious.

I checked her Gmail account and started tracing her Facebook messages. It seemed like she was seeing another man who happened to be her tutor in school.

I investigated further and retrieved as many messages from the man as possible. It was evident that there was an affair going on between them.

I could not take it anymore, so I hacked into her Facebook account and got more information. There was frequent communication from the man expressing his love for her. I even activated text messages to my phone and I received enough evidence for the allegations.

I called and told her to get out of Facebook, but she told me that she could not because her account had been hacked into. I sent her the new password I had created and expected her to delete the account.

To my surprise, she opened two more accounts and in one of them, she had only one friend who happened to be this same man.

When I confronted her, she admitted to having opened one more account and promised to deactivate the other two. She admitted to warming up to the man and I forgave her.

Four days later, her two accounts had not been closed. I also realised that the initial one was still active, making a total of three. In this one, she had changed the order of her names and that of her high school.

She did not indicate that she was married. It had only one friend — the same man — and she was the one who had sent the friend request.

I confronted her again and she said she was sorry. What do I do to her now that it seems she is still interested in this man? I pay her school fees and now feel like stopping because I do not want to educate “another man’s wife”.

I called and told her to go home during the weekend and pack her things. I was working outside town. She did not go. Can we really mend fences with all these half-truths?

I talked to her mother, but as it turned out, she felt that I was mistreating her daughter. She told my cousin, who stays with me, to tell me to send back her daughter and remain with my son.

The message was that my mother-in-law had said she would take her daughter back to school if I was not willing to do so.

Please Kitoto, I really need your advice. This matter is injuring me mentally to the extent that my performance at work has declined.

My boss is concerned about my declining output, but I cannot just tell him what I am going through.

Thanks

Hi,

Your marriage seems to lack several key pillars. First, there is lack of honesty and trust. Second, there is a lot of hide-and-seek in your communication and life. Your marriage is built on secrets.

Third, there is a definite lack of open and clear communication to confront the issues fully. Fourth is lack of self-control that has led to your wife seeking emotional fulfilment elsewhere.

As a result, the amount of suspicion that has built with time between your wife and yourself has grown to the extent that the two of you need a face-to-face meeting before a counsellor who can help you walk through your problems.

Your wife seems to have learnt the art of lying to the extent that threats and distance cannot resolve the problem.

Since I do not see a clear conflict resolution mechanism, I suggest that you ask yourself some basic questions. 1) Do I want to save the marriage? If yes, then you have to be ready to go to greater lengths to find the answers.

2) Are the two of you willing to see a counsellor? If so, please find one urgently. If you cannot, let us know if we can help. 3) Is it possible that you are partly to blame for the way things have deteriorated in your relationship?

Could there be something she feels she is missing? I believe you can mend your relationship and rebuilt your marriage. But the road to restoration will require faith, trust, and determination — a journey of learning to love and trust again.

My man is drifting and blames it on college studies

Dear Kitoto,

I am a 21-year-old dating a man aged 28. Everything has been well until he enrolled for a Master’s course at a local university at the beginning of the year.

Nowadays he is always busy and seems unable to find time for me anymore. Before he enrolled for the studies, he would call and text me, besides spending a lot of time with me.

Now he rarely replies my texts and when I ask why, he says that he is very busy.

I am worried that he might be dating another person, although I do not have any proof. Should I just sit and wait or should I walk out of this relationship? I am running out of patience. I need advice.

Worried lady

Hi

There are two scenarios here. One, it could be that your boyfriend is truly busy.

University life can take a toll on many, particularly if the workload is heavy and one has been away from class for long. Two, it is possible that your man is slowly disconnecting himself from you, either because he is seeing someone else or just as a result of a need to move on due to other issues in his life.

Sometimes time has a way of revealing things. I would suggest that you trust him and believe that he is still faithful to you.

Remember, unless a real investment has been made in the relationship, one-and-a-half years of dating does not guarantee a steady unswerving commitment.

I suggest also that you set aside time with him and voice your fears. If you do not, this could erode your faith in him. Therefore, in your desire to confront him, do it wisely.

Let him know what the lapses in communication are doing to the relationship. Practise patience and open dialogue. Show him that you trust him, but this should not be equated to blind faith.

Every action must be followed by informed choices. Therefore, let your choices be governed by dialogue, open talk, faith, and prayer. The worst you can do to yourself and the relationship will be to show him that you do not trust him. Nonetheless, remain wise and keep your eyes open to see what is happening around you.

Patience pays. Keep prayer and faith alive. The truth will soon show itself. May it find you strong and alert.

Her quarrels and contempt are driving me nuts

Dear Kitoto,

I am in my late 30s and cohabiting with a 28-year-old woman for the past three years. I have visited her parents’ home once.

About a year ago, she developed strange characteristics. She starts unnecessary quarrels and dismisses my views with contempt, even in front of other people.

Recently we visited a doctor and it was discovered that she had difficulty conceiving because one of her fallopian tubes was blocked. She is on medication.

I promised to stand by her. But her behaviour has worsened.

I believe she is troubled psychologically. She is always nagging and when annoyed, she will either shout at me or withdraw and refuse to talk completely.

We had the matter discussed before one of her siblings who pointed out her mistakes, but there is no change three months later.

I am now torn between continuing and risking the prospect of a troubled life ahead with a possible divorce in future, or taking a bold step and searching for someone who respects me. Please advise.

Dick

Hi

Your wife is going through a lot of pain. I believe the best way is for you to look for ways to help her have faith that you love her regardless of whether she gets a baby or not.

Your assurance must be convincing and backed by actions that prove that you are sincere. It is not easy to receive the news she did about her problems of conceiving.

Her reaction may also be the result of actions or reactions of those close to her. Maybe she is afraid of what others will do or say.

It will take a lot of assurance for her to get over these feelings and a visit to a counsellor and doctor who can help her look at her current condition as temporal may be necessary.

Starting to think of divorce right now will only be self-serving

Beats me how she can cheat and still be arrogant

Dear Kitoto,

I am 23 and I have been dating for five years now. I have been faithful all along and done my best to see her happy. There is no time she has come forward and said that she felt otherwise.

When I discovered that she was cheating on me, she became rude and arrogant to the extent that I had no option but to walk out. I asked her why she had done that and she said she had grown tired of our relationship.

I paid her house rent and gave her a bed and a mattress, and she went ahead and cheated on me on the same bed. When I asked her, she asked me if I wanted my money back and if I would kill her.

I was so depressed that for a minute, I thought of running to a different country to start afresh. But instead I prayed.

My main problem now is how to start afresh. I just do not know how. I have tried to get her out of my mind in vain. Was I the cause of her behaviour? What might have led her to do that to me?

Why did she cheat on me? I just want answers and not from her because that will only yield pain.

Joe

Hi

Although cheating in a relationship is wrong, its causes are rarely addressed to their logical conclusion. We are all capable of falling and as a result, we need to extend grace towards each other, knowing that if we were the ones caught in a similar situation, we would want our partner to show understanding.

Your pain could easily cloud your judgment. My desire is not necessarily for you to get back together. Healing from the pain is as important as walking out of the relationship with key lessons learnt.

Although her reasons for sinning against you may not be justifiable, some of these reasons could be associated with action or inaction on your part.

That is why you must understand the triggers of her behaviour for you to better understand what happened. As a result, learning from these problems, however painful, will make you be a better person.

I have discovered that we have the capability to lie, get angry, look at a person of the opposite sex and lust after them, and at times we get involved in wrong relationships. This should sober us towards the important issues in life.

That is why we need to do unto others what we expect others to do unto us. In fact, the higher law in relationships says that we need to empathise with other people’s weaknesses.

Remember that although there are no guarantees in relationships, dating requires agreement of specific areas to walk together. This agreement must spell out expected behaviour and resultant actions and their results.

My husband’s flirting habits are too painful to bear

Dear Kitoto,

I need help. My husband and I are one year into our marriage. It has not been formalised and dowry is yet to be paid. However, our families have met and agreed.
I recently found out that he has been cheating on me emotionally with a certain woman who is abroad, and that he has also been flirting a lot with other women, including a former girlfriend.

I cannot put into words the pain that I am going through. It may sound strange, but as much as I do not agree with what he did, I understand why he did it.

Earlier in our relationship, he told me his weaknesses, the main one being not being able to say no to the opposite sex. He said he did not get physical with them, but only flirted.

I think it is the attention he likes. He went through an extremely difficult childhood in which he and his six siblings were abandoned by their father after their mother died.

He is responsible and takes care of his family, including taking his siblings through school. He is the first born.

For some time now, our relationship has been strained. He recently returned from the US and I have been paying the rent and providing for the house.

My mother helped him to find a job, so he contributes to the house budget.

I have had my fair share of pain, including sexual abuse and an alcoholic father. I, too, feel that I need to be taken care of. He has not been doing so, and at some point I withdrew emotionally.

We are now trying to rebuild our relationship. We make sure we pray together before we go to bed. We call each other and spend as much quality time together as we can.

But the truth is that I am still hurting. I cry a lot and get anxiety attacks. My chest aches and sometimes I cannot breathe properly. I have tried to commit suicide before.

How do I get through this? Can we come for counselling sessions? I think I am the one in more need for help.

BM

Hi

One thing is clear from your narration. You are aware of your man’s weakness and what seems to cause it. I hope that you have talked with your husband beyond the triggers of his behaviour.

He cannot use his upbringing as an excuse to continue walking that road. He has to come to the place of dealing with the lust and the resultant desire to flirt. If this does not happen, you will still feel emotionally violated.

My concern is whether there can be other reasons that make him flirt with other women. I suspect that this action: a) makes him feel desired as a man; b) makes him feel affirmed;

c) makes him feel like his ego has been boosted; d) are a response to seeing those women as attractive and appealing;

e) shows that his morals have been compromised because of other possible sins that need to be disclosed. 

It is possible that there could be lust or sin involved here. These are areas that need to be addressed. Your husband is accountable, not only to you but also to God, who made him. 

He needs to come to the realisation that he would be breaking your marriage covenant before God if he indulges in that kind of sin. For further evaluation, I would like to ask you some questions:

How do the two of you communicate? Do you desire your husband in a way that he really gets your emotional vibes? Do you make him feel manly enough, respected, and safe in your presence?

Do you flirt, have fun, and enjoy each other freely? Are you able to dress in a feminine, beautiful, sexually provocative, and appealing way when together?

My observations would, therefore, be as follows: First, affirm the fact that he has walked in the light by expressing to you his areas of weakness and what he perceives to have been the cause.

Second, acknowledge to him your feelings and fears that arise from this knowledge. Empathy, particularly on the issues that brought pain in his life as a child, may be part of rebuilding faith in your relationship.

Third, identify the areas in the relationship that may need to be followed through. Sharing the weakness is just a start in the disclosure process that will need to be taken to its logical conclusion. For example, does your husband need to talk to a male counsellor on the effects of his mother’s death on his present outlook in life?

Such disclosure must produce agreement in certain areas that are critical to the relationship. For example, now that he knows that his flirting causes you pain, how can he be helped to grow and embrace habits that will lead the relationship towards maturity?

I advise that you explore the above and seek counselling from a qualified person, given that the issues involved require a systematic approach. Let us know how we can help.