I’m torn apart, thanks to the two women I’ve loved

What you need to know:

  • In relationships, it takes two people with a desire to live honestly and openly with each other.
  • Openness helps to build trust and faithfulness.

Mr Kitoto,

Each week as you advise people who have relationship problems, you touch many, including myself. God bless you.

I have been following your articles in the Daily Nation over the years, and I have learnt a lot from other people’s experiences.

Time has now come for me to also seek healing and help. Please forgive me, for I will be elaborate.

I am 43, and a father of a teenage boy. He is the pillar of my life. The mother betrayed me after a very humble beginning.

We struggled after my son’s birth, then I got a good job. Later as the child grew, I helped my wife do some courses to improve her academic qualifications.

I too took up parallel programmes, and we both graduated after three years.

I got a new job opening thereafter, and it was in Europe. My wife advised that I take it, saying she would endure the distance as long as I stayed in constant contact and support.

I kept my word. I would call twice daily, and return home every seven months.

About two years later, she too got a good job. It didn’t take long before she started misbehaving, even as we planned to wed.

She met all these fun loving friends, with whom she would go on crazy weekend outings. These outings would go on even when I was around. Our differences eventually led to a separation.

She left me with my son, whom I left with my sister as I went back to Europe after the three-month break.

Depressed, I started spending time in clubs by myself. Even when back home on leave, I would spend time in pubs drinking without company.

It was during one of those moments five years ago that I met a young lady in Nairobi. She was a university student. She captured my attention, and what started as a drink companion ended up in a serious relationship.

Three years ago, she moved into my house in Nairobi. She continued to study as I worked in Europe. She graduated in December 2013.

I would call daily and come home during leave. Everything seemed normal, and we agreed we would wed in February 2015. I was to return home for good then.

But in March this year, the following happened: I discovered she had a friend, also working in Europe, who would call every night, even in the wee hours.

I asked her about it and she said they were just good friends. For some reason though, she evaded my suggestion about meeting her friend.

I also saw by chance, an explicit text chat between the two of them, yet she insisted the man was just a good friend and a loving single father of three.

Later, she started sleeping out. The first time it happened, she returned home at about 4 pm the next day and explained that she had blacked out.

She said it had been a stupid mistake, and insisted that she had not cheated on me.

I love this lady to bits. We agreed to go back to Europe with her. On the day she got her passport, I had been at my rural farm and I had called at 5 pm to inform her I was on the way back home.

She said she was in a business meeting. When I called again at 9 pm, I could hear club music. At 10 pm she asked if she could accompany a friend to Nanyuki. I didn’t reply. That was the last communication that night. She did not turn up.

Come Saturday, her phone was dead. On Sunday, her tracked phone indicated she had spent the night in Nairobi. I informed mother-in-law to be. The lady turned up on Sunday furious that I had told her mum. She packed her stuff as if to leave.

I prayed to be at peace. I didn’t ask her to leave as she probably anticipated I would. Neither was I violent. A week later, I sought my job back in Europe and departed in April, confused and sad deep inside.

These incidents keep recurring in my mind. Every time I ask her to help me to forget by telling the truth, she replies that it is up to me to choose what I want to believe.

Should I call it off? I dream of a marriage full of trust, honour, respect, love, partnering, Christian values, meaning, purpose, choice, challenges, and perseverance.

Kindly advise.

AK

Hi,

I see a lot of indiscipline in your relationship. It lacks virtues such as self-control, respect, honour, honesty and faithfulness.

It is clear from the write-up what you are looking for in a relationship. You need to back this up with choices that will lead you to your goals.

I am not really sure how much you knew of these two women. What I see are women who are clueless about what makes a great relationship.

In relationships, it takes two people with a desire to live honestly and openly with each other. Openness helps to build trust and faithfulness.

Relationships where secrets are kept from each other do nothing but hurt both parties.

We can never play this double life and think we are forever going to remain happy. Somehow, life has a way of giving us what we deserve. I worry though at the way you are handling yourself.

First, I am not quite clear whether the two of you consider yourselves married or not. This needs to be settled because it will help you look to the future with certainty.

Second, you seem to know what you want, but I do not see you taking charge of your life and making that happen.

It seems like this lady is manipulating you. You need to know what you are committing yourself to.

Commitment in any relationship is the result of two people who share the same values and goals. I don’t think this is true for your case.

Third, your values are as different as black is to white. You cannot say you deeply love a person who is emotionally abusing the relationship. Love is a choice based on a willingness to treat others as better than yourself. She isn’t doing that.

I advise that you take charge of your love life. Going to clubs to sooth your troubles is not the best way to confront the issue.

You must stand and face the situation and deal with it. The writing is on the wall. You two value different things.