My wife won’t take advice to stop seeing priest

PHOTO | FILE

What you need to know:

  • It is sad that people who are called to be the shepherds can turn to be unruly.
  • I will mention here that although we are all human, we are called to live a life of self-control in marriage or as singles.

Dear Kitoto,

I thank you for the splendid job you do in assisting couples and other people with relationship issues. I will try to summarise my story.

A few years back, I started suspecting that the relationship between my wife and one of the priests in our church was not appropriate. The reason was that while her conversations with all the other priests were open, her discussions with the particular priest were always away from my hearing.

I later found messages about “missing” and “loving” each other etc. I confronted her, but she said it was nothing; that it was just general talk. From then on, the messages disappeared, but I suspected the relationship had not died.

Later, I managed to record a conversation that shocked me. It was lewd and full of sexual overtones — about how they should meet urgently. I heard her declaring her love for him. I also established that she kept buying him gifts, which were carefully hidden. She even sent a substantial amount of money to him.

I keep telling my wife that the only thing she will get from this priest is scandal. He already has a track record of similar relationships with women. But she seems much attached to him for a reason I am not able to tell.

I still love my wife, but this matter has killed a part of our relationship. Whenever the thought crosses my mind, I get deeply angry, and I can hardly relate with her closely.

This issue has completely killed my passion for our parish. It is also affecting my faith. Sometimes I attend mass as routine, since it’s expected of me, but I can hardly attend mass by the said priest because I feel betrayed and angry.

It is not easy to leave the church because people will start asking why.

I have enough evidence to pursue the matter with the church authorities, but it is not an easy matter to deal with since it can cause a big scandal in the church and in my family.

Please advise on how I should approach the issue

P.K

Hi

On behalf of the priest and many others who serve God’s people, I say sorry.

I commend you for the maturity and the restraint, but this in itself will not be the answer and the solution that will bring deliverance to the priest and your wife, and cause your marriage to heal.

It is sad that people who are called to be the shepherds can turn to be unruly. According to your email, you have evidence that the priest and your wife are emotionally compromised.

The second fact is that your wife is aware that you know of her close emotional attachment to the priest. However, she has purposed not to listen to your advice to work on your relationship.

Third, you are afraid of what would happen if you involved the leadership of the church.

I will mention here that although we are all human, we are called to live a life of self-control in marriage or as singles. This priest has crossed the line and his priesthood is in question before God, before you and before others who are being indirectly affected by his actions.

You are the only one with the link between the two of them and the leadership of the church. I suggest you first approach the priest with the evidence and ask him to stop seeing your wife, with a warning that if he continues, you will expose him to the leadership. Indeed if he fails to stop seeing your wife, go ahead and involve the church’s leaders.

Ask him to visit with his leaders for counselling and spiritual support for the restoration of his ministry. He cannot continue ministry in this state.

Also, it looks to me that there is more than what you have mentioned. There is a lot you need to do between yourself and your wife. I do not understand how a respectable wife would continue with such an action even after being confronted. She needs counselling too.

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TO OUR READERS: Many counsellors now believe that the Kenyan family, the building block of our society and nation, is in a crisis. There is unhappiness and discord where there should be love and joy. We have put together a diverse team of experts, family and marriage counsellors, led by Mr Philip Kitoto, to help heal the family by offering advice and support. Readers’ questions will be answered on these pages and online at www.nation.co.ke. Send your questions to [email protected], or to The Editor, DN2, P O Box 49010, GPO 00100, Nairobi.