It seemed like a perfect marriage until I found out he was cheating

Dear Phillip,

Marriage was always in my cards. At first I loved it. I was happy and did not mind the humble start we had. We came from nothing to something. Life was good.

When stability was achieved, we decided to have children. We were blessed with two — a girl and a boy. We had our challenges but these did not shake our union.

That was eight years into the marriage and my husband was working very hard to provide for us or so I thought. He started travelling out of town in the name of taking goods to clients.

One day, my sister, who lived in Eldoret, called me. She asked if I knew where he was?

I told her he had gone to Eldoret to scout for a business opportunity.  Long story short, that was the day he decided to call it quits with his mpango wa kando.

This incident led to a lot of discoveries. It’s been couple of years, I am not as angry as I was but am pretty sure that I no longer want to be married any more. I  am only staying for two reasons.

1. I am not financially able to take care of my children on my own.

2. Everyone around me says I should stay because he has since apologised.

I have been unable to cope because he moved to another town and occasionally comes to see the children. He sold all our businesses here and our life style changed drastically. This affected the children very much.

Now that I have a job, He wants to come back! I no longer know how to relate to him. I see the kids are also struggling in their relationship with him.

I need same sound advice before I make any decision.

Lillian

Hi,

Two things are clear from your story. First, the two of you had what seemed like a very stable relationship until you discovered his lies.

The question here is: “What would have happened if you  had not discovered from your sister about your husband hidden life?” I guess life would have continued. However, in  married life there are ups and downs that we can never hide for ever. We soon come to realise that we are two imperfect people tied together in an imperfect relationship.

This thought in itself is sobering. We all need God’s help to live right and do what honours him and our partner.

ACKNOWLEDGE THE PAIN

Second, it takes two people to make a marriage work. What he did was wrong and in itself a violation of the existing level of trust. Learning to rebuild a broken foundation is not easy. It is a long process requiring patience and commitment.

Being independent for a period helped you rediscover your self and seek healing. However, the pain of betrayal doesn’t just heal unless confronted and exposed.

Your husband needs to see and acknowledge the hurt and pain he brought to you and the children through his actions.

Reconnection requires that he acknowledges his part in the pain you bear. It is also important that you see and acknowledge what the pain you went through as well as the separation have done to you.

Until this past pain is confronted and exposed, it remains as a cancer that will cause untold pain and lead to the death of the relationship.

So, should he return? The answer here lies in the assessment of two issues: one, he is your husband — although living away from you for now. However, being your husband does not give him the right to just think he can just walk back into your life.

Issues that cause the two of you to not live together as husband and wife are still pending. Second, you both have suffered as a result of the actions of your husband’s involvement with another woman behind your back.

In order to fully welcome him him back into your life will need both walk the path of healing together.

Visit a counsellor who can help you explore your husbands lies and infidelity and find a way forward. The reasons that make him want to come back must also be discussed.