#FRONTROW: Shameless Kenyans turning the wheels of corruption

In the beginning, there was a tenderpreneur, and the tenderpreneur became fabulously wealthy and lived happily ever after. The end. If you want all the deep, dark secrets of striking it rich overnight, they are not to be found here. If you were ambitious enough, you would have called the number in the classifieds the other day like everyone else.

‘Join corruption tenders and win government supply tenders without sweat,’ it said. The number was busy throughout as enterprising Kenyans checked in with this mystery advertiser with the deep, dark secrets to closing the door on poverty permanently.

KENYANS LOVE A GOOD DEAL

Kenyans love a good deal. That guy’s uncle’s cousin’s step-sister who knows someone at Ardhi House who can ’speed up’ things. The former schoolmate’s pastor’s friend who brings in stuff from Dubai without paying taxes.

The neighbour’s wife’s chama mate’s hairdresser who gets tenders worth Sh1.7 billion in one year. In a country where the proper systems stopped working long before any of our parents can remember, knowing someone inside has always been the only way to be assured of getting good services.

You want your son to go to a ‘good school’ with their barely acceptable grades, so you find someone who knows the head teacher to plead your case. Your husband needs a job at the government parastatal where that guy you met at the wedding he dragged you to works. You call in the favour, of course, you’re not a monster!

The average Kenyan believes that you can’t get anything done without getting someone to do you a favour, even if you’re entitled to it. Even though eCitizen has made it unbelievably easy to renew your driver’s licence within minutes, most people will still pay someone to get it for them.

Even though the Department of Immigration has become impressively efficient in processing passports, there is still a thriving bribery business at Nyayo House. There is a fairly straightforward way to reverse an M-Pesa transaction if you send it to the wrong person but you’ll still get calls from relatives who want your contact inside Safaricom. 

Applying for a new electricity connection even in rural areas has been simplified and made cheaper but folks still plead for your guy at Kenya Power.

The bribery and kickback cycle is alive and well in Kenya because the system is set up to promote it, not to make it obsolete. That small two-line ad hidden away in the back pages of the newspaper drew such oversize public attention because of what it says about our culture. It is almost accepted as a universal truth that you won’t get a government tender unless you know someone in the Procurement department.

PAYING BROKERS

It is well known that you are required to give at least 10 per cent of the value of your contract to your ‘Connect’ as a sign of gratitude. It is called euphemistically in Swahili ‘kurudisha mkono,’ shorthand for returning the favour.

People only pay brokers to assist them with their title deeds or national IDs because it is often faster than doing it the right way. As long as the system is broken enough that people are willing to pay extra and circumvent the proper procedure to get stuff done, the shortcuts will always thrive.

That said, all the workarounds are only because few people are neither patient enough to wait for a clogged bureaucracy to function nor are they ready for a disappointing outcome. You should not even complain about grand scale corruption running into billions of shillings if you’re willing to pay a parking attendant to look the other way while you deny the county revenue. Well-intentioned parents are still paying bribes to get their children spots in the police or the army because they believe that is the only way it works.  Most of them don’t even see it as corruption, just a facilitation fee in an informal marketplace where those who can raise the right amount of money have their way. They are the same people who consume the news and click at coverage of graft in government, completely ignoring the fact that they make the wheels of impropriety turn.

Because Kenyans are always looking for a good deal, they will quickly pony up cash to ‘buy’ government-owned land or house that is not for sale.

Your son doesn’t qualify for a state-sponsored bursary but if you grease someone’s hand, they will award him anyway. Kenya is not one of the world’s most corrupt countries only because a third of the annual budget is stolen, it is also because there are many citizens willing to bribe. The hyper-competitive world has made our cultural attraction to a good deal even more acute. The great corruption industrial complex in this country exists because you are keeping it open as you try to get ahead.

Send your comments to [email protected]

***

MATIANG’I REBRANDS AS KENYA’S MAGUFULI

Education Cabinet Secretary Fred Matiang’i has a lot of admirers these days. After he shocked the country by announcing the KCPE results a full month before they’re traditionally released, social media was ablaze with praise. #IfMatiangiWasPresident was a top trend on Twitter as people theorised on what he would do. ‘Things are so bad in Kenya that we are congratulating CS Matiangi for doing his job,’ pointed out Kyle Alovi.

In the rush to announce the results, they weren’t really ready so they all gave some general statistics and allowed candidates to find out how they did on their own. There was no official ranking of top students countrywide, or per county. Kenyans are just eager for a hero, any kind of hero at all. It is a sweet spot for Matiang’i who struggled as ICT CS even before his epic battle with broadcasters over digital migration. Then, the country was divided between those who supported him and those who argued in favour of enterprise and capitalism. He was a hard sell for an industry trying to outpace the environment it operates in. In Education, the minister appears to have found his true calling and the approval of grateful parents everywhere.

***

TIME FOR AFRICAN TYRANTS TO PACK AND GO

Zimbambwe’s Robert Mugabe, Uganda’s Yoweri Museveni and Guinea’s Teodoro Obiang need to start looking for furniture for their retirement homes. If what is happening across the continent is anything to go by, natives are restless and the old men have to go. Even though he once said he would rule The Gambia for ‘a billion years,’ Yahya Jammeh will be gone soon. The video of him conceding defeat to Adama Barrow is so rare that it is still hard to believe he is walking away after 22 years. His peer, Angola’s Jose Eduardo dos Santos, who has also been in power since 1979, has also indicated he will be out next year.

That leaves Paul Biya, Omar al-Bashir, Idriss Deby, Isaias Afwerki and a dozen other leaders who need to vacate office as the winds of change blow across Africa. Their citizens are watching all these developments and getting ideas.

They better start packing up.

***

FEEDBACK: On where the future of gospel music lies

I am very passionate about Christian music and your last week’s article resonates with my ideology. Fact is, many people (especially Christians) are so exposed to secular music. We cannot control the music that plays in a restaurant or a matatu or any other public space. The  exposure sometimes influences our taste in music. There is so much variety and hearing ignorant comments on Size 8 and Willy Paul’s music is really disappointing. Ironically, these naysayers are the same people who during weddings or social functions will insist on “danceable” music.

Wendi  Kibaara

I always look forward to your Wednesday articles. However, I couldn’t finish reading your defence of the ‘Tiga Wana’ song. Willy Paul and Size 8 are your close pals, we get that, but on this one, you lost the objectivity on issues which make you stand out. What is a gospel song if it does not pass a spiritual message? Gospel songs praise God, they also advise on morals. This specific song and many others convey no message. Just because the artists are celebrities does not mean we consume everything they release.

Maureen Makumi

For the longest time I have followed your interviews on most gospel artistes, mostly you ask the question we want to hear..Kudos for keeping it real.What worries most is the young generation who follow the musicians irrespective of what they sing, such as Fanya by Willy Pozzee. Surprisingly, this music which has no gospel content receive a lot of airplay compared to real music. Petronilla

 Christian music is supposed to be premised on actual Biblical teachings. What you clearly do not understand is that the artistes you mentioned have watered down gospel music to pure entertainment for the sake of popularity and money. Christianity is not technology or fashion which is influenced by time.

Nancy