This woman is driving me insane with her tears, insults and endless nagging

Hi
I am a hardworking and loving man in a come-we-stay relationship with a woman who told me she had been in several relationships before but now, like me, wanted to settle down. We have been together for six months but all she has shown me is disrespect, frequently insulting me.

Sometimes she apologises but still does it again, claiming she can’t control the way she feels. She has gone to the extent of insulting not just me, but my friends as well, over non-issues. She has lost two jobs for using abusive language when addressing her supervisors!

She keeps calling me to check on my movements, threatens to leave but ends up coming back to me crying for forgiveness.

Kitoto, I am tired of her childish behaviour. I wanted a woman and friend, not a baby to take care of. I feel she is immature and uses her insecurity to get attention. We sometimes get time to talk soberly, but she goes right back to her annoying behaviour after a few days.

I am tired and need to move on with my life. Please help.

Hi
Verbal abuse in relationships has been on the rise. The psychological damage it afflicts is both crippling and demeaning to an individual. Verbal and emotional abuse ranged from blaming, yelling, using demeaning statements, name-calling, intimidation and threats. It is interesting to note that, emotional abuse can be subtle or openly aggressive.

In recent years, male victims of emotional abuse have been on the rise. When we find ourselves in an emotionally abusive relationship, it is often a reflection of how we learnt affection while growing.

Our brains are wired for connection and bonding. If we growing up in an environment in which our parents were harsh, judgmental and generally unkind to each other, it is easy to confuse love with pain and end up duplicating this pain in our adult relationships.

It is clear from your mail that your wife’s erratic behaviour is not unique to you. If, indeed, she has lost two jobs and could easily lose friends as a result of this, then definitely, there are issues underlying this behaviour that need to be investigated. What steps do you need to take to you steer your marriage on the path of recovery:

1. Evaluate what triggers the emotions: For example, what activates the emotional outburst and reaction? What are values and beliefs does she hold regarding what activated the emotional outburst? How does she behave after the flare-up? I can see from your letter her quick desire to seek reconnection after the flare-up and thereafter engage in another episode.

Do you ever bring her to a place of evaluating her flare-ups in the light of her beliefs and the way she behaves. Is there anything she feels she needs to change about how things turned out? Such evaluation is key to helping her progress towards maturity.

2. Recognise the effects of healthy and unhealthy emotions to a relationship: A couple that creates unproductive emotions out of unhealthy beliefs and practices will get the same results again and again, unless they work on the triggers. In your case, your wife has to sincerely see her actions in the light of both her upbringing and the effects it is having on your relationship if she is to embrace meaningful remorse and change.

Unhealthy beliefs about herself will always spiral into counter-productive behaviour and actions.

3. Set Boundaries: Put in place personal and relational boundaries on acceptable and unacceptable behaviour and how they will be enforced. Lack of boundaries can lead to the erosion of respect and a level playing field that are essential components of any growing relationship.

4. Seek Help: What you have written is short but loaded with frustrations that could be having their roots in your wife’s upbringing. I suggest that, in addition to taking the above-mentioned measures, you seek an appointment with a professional counsellor where the two of you can have a face-to-face meeting. Emails can be impersonal and limited.

His infidelity is making me have suicidal thoughts

Hi,

I am 30 years old and have been married for five years. We have two children. Within the past year, I have learnt that my husband has been unfaithful to me. In fact, it has become really bad; I have learnt that he has not only slept with every househelp I have employed, but also with my younger sister, who is 20 years old. His affair with my sister went on for some time behind my back. Then recently, he told me that he was going to introduce a 20-year-old woman to his parents as his future wife.

I want to remain faithful but I am scared of his behaviour, because he might infect me with HIV or other sexually transmitted infections. I am too afraid to leave because I fear I might end up without a husband and a father for my children.

I have persistent headaches and at times feel like killing myself and my children. My sister’s marriage did not work. She is a single parent and we were raised by a single parent after our mother abandoned us for another man when we were five and three years respectively. I am scared and confused. Please help.

Hi.
It has certainly not been easy for you and your sister. Growing up in a home with one parent is not uncommon, but can be hard at times. Many single mothers or fathers have done an amazing job of raising successful children, who have ended up being great parents as adults.

But there are also many dysfunctional homes that have produced hurting and wounded young people who have done nothing but hurt those they interact with.

After reading your letter, I want to raise some issue that need to be addressed. First, the commitment you have to your marriage and children is commendable.

For a man to have done all these things to you and you still feel connected to him in one way or another requires a lot of grace.

However, I would like you to know that people don’t just change because we are patient with them. You need to evaluate whether you are being driven by fear or by faith that things can be better. You spouse must also want and actively seek to change.

What I see is a man who is not willing to turn his life around for the sake of his marriage and children. Rather, I see a man led and consumed by his own lustful desires that have led him to totally disrespect you and your children.

All these affairs have come about because he opened the door of desire and lusted after these women. Your commitment to him should not be blind, but one that is led by informed choices.

ACTION AND REACTION

Knowing that every choice has consequences will help you look at him as a man who needs help. The only help you can give him now is to direct him towards people who can help him find redemption. Your commitment to stay in this marriage must be mutually beneficial to both of you and your children. What I see now is a man willing to prey on any woman who comes his way.

Second, your future success as a mother will depend on your being healthy.

Right now you are in a position where you feel confused, hurt and disrespected by your husband. You might be feeling like a failure in marriage and maybe this is causing you to want to hang on to a marriage that is inflicting more pain and hurting your self-esteem.

You should not feel responsible for your husband’s failure.

He has chosen a path of self-destruction that you need not choose for yourself. You must resist the suicidal thoughts. Depression and suicidal thinking thrive when you’re alone. Therefore, try and minimise the time you spend alone by spending time with other women who add value into your life.

TRUE LIVING
You need to heal and be strong for yourself and your children.

A woman with strength and a healthy self-image creates an enabling environment of positive change around her. Negativity will only kill your morale and make you think of your marriage and, therefore, of yourself as a worthless failure.

Remember, you were once a successful single person before you got married.

There are many single people who have turned their lives around and got out of the ugly circumstances in which they found themselves. Remember that the situations or environments in which we find ourselves can be opportunities for maturation and growth if we take them positively.

Finally, killing yourself is not a solution. And having suicidal thoughts does not mean you will act on them.

However, the repeated thoughts about suicide are risky. So, whenever you have suicidal thoughts, get rid of them by making a commitment to care good care of yourself.

True living calls on us to make careful but bold decisions issues that come our way with the desire to grow and develop through them. Therefore, I suggest that:

1. You seek inner healing and restoration that will with time give you a proper perspective of the life issues you are facing.

2. Lovingly but firmly set a time to talk with your husband.

3. Spell out your issues and your desired outcomes that will make this a livable and enjoyable marriage.

4. Be civil and agree to disagree if it appears that he has already chosen a path that you might not agree with.