This addiction will be the death of me

I have been struggling with addiction to masturbation. FILE PHOTO

What you need to know:

  • Avoid environments that seem to trigger the negative emotions.
  • Proper dating begins when a couple makes the effort to see and acknowledge weakness, greatness or potential in each other.

Hello Pastor Kitoto,
I have been struggling with addiction to masturbation for a while now - since August 2014. Countless times, I have tried to break away from the habit without success. My nights are sleepless if I don’t do it, and during the day I cannot concentrate on anything, even work, until I masturbate, leaving me feeling more guilty, remorseful, shameful and doomed. I now suffer from low self-esteem, persistent headaches, back pains and weariness. As I write this, my relationship is on the verge of breaking because I am unable to get intimate with my fiancée. I am so disillusioned – please help me.

Self-control refers to a person’s ability to control their emotions, behaviour, actions, and desires in the face of internal or external influence.

Sadly, many of us have not built inner capacity to say no to some of these strong impulses.

I would suggest that rather than responding to immediate urges, you take time to process and evaluate the resulting consequences of your response, this way, you come up with alternative actions that will be consistent with good and accountable behaviour.

CONFRONT PROBLEM
The fact is that the choices we make have the capacity to erode our self-esteem and productivity.

For you, the negative consequences of this addiction have, with time, affected all the spheres of your life, including your relationship.

That said, you must acknowledge that which overwhelms you before you seek help.

It will not be easy to overcome your addiction, so you might need help, especially from a counsellor.

Do not hide from that desire you feel. Confront it and address it with resolve.

Tell yourself, “I will not do this, because it is not good for me.”

THOUGHT PATTERNS

Second, stick to, and do what is right. You can achieve this by ensuring you are not idle and that you spend your time constructively and with people that influence you positively.

What and who we associate with has lasting impact on who we become.

Third, manage your thought patterns. It is said that as a man thinks, so is he.

We are the sum total of our thoughts and attitudes. Our behaviour is not too far removed from what is happening in our minds.

Train your mind to focus on what will turn your mind around. Avoid environments that seem to trigger the negative emotions.

BREAK CYCLE
When you manage your thoughts, then it will be easier to build a life based on self-discipline and determination, this way you can start on your journey to wholeness.

Instead of looking for affirmation from masturbation, you can affirm yourself through positive statements and actions.

Your current routine shows both a lack of self-discipline and an ease in succumbing to uncontrolled desire.

Breaking this cycle is a process that will require commitment of time, willpower and accountability and the input of a counsellor.

Also have a sincere desire to say no to this habit that has completely unsettled you.

Third, you need the willpower to walk away from the habit. Fourth, you need to make a conscious choice of refusing to give in when faced with a relapse.

FAILED RELATIONSHIPS

Why do we ignore the danger signs?

Why do we commit to relationships that are bound to fail from the very beginning? Can you remember the warning signals that kept flashing and warning you to save yourself from future pain? Signals that you ignored?

In most cases, these indicators of a relationship headed for the rocks are as clear as day, and may include obvious factors we bluntly refuse to see.

Such factors may include a tendency to cheat, an abusive partner, or one that absconds his or her responsibilities.

Friends with our best interests at heart may also warn us and tell us that this person is not good for us, but we brush them off, or accuse them of being jealous.

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
Take the case of Andy and Cindy who are dating and looking forward to getting married one day.

As the relationship starts, Cindy is drawn to this amazing man who is very confident, extremely good at business, successful, and thrives at everything that he does.

However, he has a very strong personality, is stubborn, not a very good listener and loves partying.

Apart from that, he is also sometimes mean and arrogant.

Cindy is intelligent, faithful, a good listener, and has the ability to perceive what is happening around her and is able to respond with a sense of wisdom.

She has a high relational and emotional intelligence that helps her to leverage on this to protect and strengthen the relationship.

She is good at giving Andy space when he is going through something.

VALUE SYSTEM
A couple of years into the marriage, their differences become more pronounced and have a significant effect on their marriage.

Andy has become more successful, become a womanizer and a drunkard, and with that, increasingly arrogant.

His character and values continue causing pain to their new marriage.

Cindy has on many occasions covered for him and hidden her pain from her family and friends.

As much as these experiences have shaped her profoundly, this has done nothing to change her husband’s value system.

With time, her conviction is to be an example of what is right.

She continues to fight for her marriage believing that at some point, things will work out for the better.

ADDING VALUE
In marriage however, it is not only about finding somebody to marry, but marrying the right person.

Being the right person should be the pivotal point in drawing us to the right people that complement us and add value to who we are.

Our desire to start a relationship must put into consideration the need to demand of ourselves the need and will to do the right thing.

What we end up trivialising may in the end become the very thorn that hurts us.

In most relationships, regardless of who we marry, we are still responsible for carrying out our part of the bargain.

In the end, there are no guarantees in relationships. We are in a fallen world, and relating to people with weaknesses like us, however, and knowing the purpose and character that we desire to build in us will enable us learn endurance.

ATTITUDE
Although we can still become the best of who we were meant to be regardless of our spouse, we cannot underrate the role others play in shaping our outlook in life.

Our victory may be elusive when we keep playing the victim card.

Cindy’s view of life as she lived with a mean and stubborn man was a choice to become a more whole and generative human being.

My view is that life has a way of at times being cruel to us.

In such a case, whether it is our relationships at home, work or in social engagements, our attitude matters.

Our capacity to love is not dependent on the fact that love is or will be reflected back on us.

Affirming and loving oneself is a great start in providing the needed focus when facing a troubled relationship.

DOOMED RELATIONSHIPS

Actually, the promise we give in marriage is ‘for better and for worse’ and ‘in good times and bad’.

Cindy makes a choice to keep loving, including putting her life on the line on several occasions for the sake of a man who never acknowledges this love.

This begs the question: “When is love made real? Is it when we love those who love us or when we make the choice to love those who hurt us?”

In today’s world are a good number of people wounded and hurt in underperforming relationships.

Some choose to blame their partners for unfulfilled promises. Many more are headed for doomed relationships.

Somehow there is a blindfold that has kept many in some kind of illusion that love is present in their relationships.

For those dating, how can they involve an element of emotional and relational intelligence in making wise choices?

Underlying everything must be the aim of every couple to work towards harmony and growth that will contribute to mutual attainment of marital goals and bring satisfaction.

MANAGING SITUATIONS

However, this cannot be done when we fail to do what is right.

Proper dating begins when a couple makes the effort to see and acknowledge weakness, greatness or potential in each other.

This is the deal breaker in overcoming the barriers we end up facing in our desire to create a risk-free environment.

Marriages have the power to heal and grow through the tough seasons they may face when spouses use their strengths for the good of the relationship.

The context and circumstances in which a marriage finds itself has a way of providing an open door of testing and maturing of the character of the relationship.

We have the choice of who we choose to relate to, but none at all on how they choose to relate to us.

How we manage our reaction is key.

Finally, the barriers we face can collapse when our gifts are released for the good of the relationship.

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