This pressure to marry is killing me

Recently, family friends and colleagues have been pressuring me to get married. I have been an introvert for the better part of my life and have never been in a relationship. I cannot cope any more. PHOTO | FILE

What you need to know:

  • I have been an introvert for the better part of my life and have never been in a relationship.
  • This has made many women have high expectations of me. I cannot cope any more. I want to marry and settle down but not within  the time they are pushing me to.

Dear Kitoto,

I am a man aged 28 and living with my mum after my dad died. I am the fourth born in a family of five kids. All my older siblings are in the US. I am a supervisor in one of the leading companies in the country.

Recently, family friends and colleagues have been pressuring me to get married. I have been an introvert for the better part of my life and have never been in a relationship. This has made many women have high expectations of me. I cannot cope any more. I want to marry and settle down but not within  the time they are pushing me to.

How do I handle this pressure?

 

Hi,

I am sorry about the loss of your dad. As the person responsible for your mum,  you might find yourself quite busy. Your mum needed someone to stand by her side as she grieved. The decision to be there for her was prudent. I feel two years are enough for you and your mother to grieve the loss of your dad.

It is also important for your mum to move into the next phase where she rebuilds relationships with the other accountability partners in her life. This will help you to gradually not worry about her.

Meanwhile, you should have no problem finding a woman  to marry.  From what you have said, your problem has to do with the pressure being exerted on you by others.

While everyone is entitled to their opinion, no one should force their opinion on another. Though other people’s opinions might be important, they should not be what drives us to make critical decisions in life.

I suggest that you be driven by the goals and priorities you have set for yourself. Regarding marriage, your major considerations should be: First, am I ready? Readiness is not  measured only by one’s age. You must ask yourself about your emotional and psychological readiness. Among other things, the death of your dad and its impact on your mother and you needs to be handled with wisdom. Readiness does not come through pressure but by intelligently questioning your desires and motives.

While pressure from others might help us make a move when fear is holding us back, it has also made many people get married, only to regret their decision later.

I pray that you will talk freely about the reasons why you feel you are not ready and let your close accountability partners help interrogate those fears. Much as I would encourage you  not to let your fears hold you back, I would also caution you to tread carefully.

Second, be clear about what you are looking for in marriage and are willing to sacrifice for it. One of the greatest assets in marriage is one’s  state of your mind. You must be convinced that you have not been manipulated or coerced into it. Your state of your mind regarding the relationship is important to its success. Finally, you must understand that getting married means that it will no longer be   all about yourself anymore.