This woman is a threat to our marriage

Dear Kitoto,

Thanks for your wonderful contributions.

I have been married for five years and have  a three-year-old son. My husband and I have been close, open, and honest with each other all along, until a lady friend came up and now keeps very close contact with my husband in secret. I got to know that she has been asking for private meetings with him to ask for advice about her relationship and life in general. I discussed the matter with him and told him it is important to keep an open relationship. I also warned him that the closer they get secretly as he consoles her over different issues, the higher the chances of them getting intimate.

The issue is back again after the discussion; he confessed to having deleted all messages and call records between them and apologised.  I asked why and he said he was afraid I would find out and get angry. He still keeps close secret contact, despite our discussions. I almost want to believe that there is nothing beyond the advice at the moment,  which I am okay with (if they keep an open relationship) but the secret meetings and deleting communication from her drives me up the wall because I am afraid it will develop into something bigger.  This week she lied to me that they had not been together but I later found out that they had actually been together. What do I do?

Just want to save my marriage.

Anonymous

Hi,

Thanks for your kind words  and appreciation.

Marriages, and relationships in general, tend to be rough journeys. Interestingly, such issues know no boundaries, culture, race or tribe. We all hurt when we’re in a bad relationship. Sadly, most people view and label such painful encounters evil. However, conflicts sometimes teach and strengthen us.

In relationships, if our spouse means that much to us, our goal in life must be related to the priorities and purpose we hold concerning relationships. Two issues deserve careful thought: First, relationships require honest and open communication, which I must praise you for advocating. The truth is that without honesty, a relationship will slowly but surely develop into a circus of blame for perceived actions or  inactions by one or both partners.

Second, one killer of what could have been a healthy and growing relationship is dishonesty on the part of both or one of the partners. In your case, the behaviour of your man in entertaining this woman leaves a lot to be desired. I acknowledge your maturity and perspective that maybe there is nothing going on between them. But encouraging a  stop to the relationship  with this woman would be the best option if  you are to have peace of mind.

OPEN MIND

I must commend you for your maturity for allowing him to “keep an open relationship”. As you mentioned, this has made you apprehensive due to the secrets he had been keeping, which you  discovered. Relationships involve a level of risk because you cannot fully determine and predict the outcome of certain actions, however genuine they might have seemed initially. My worry is that either your man does not see the danger  in keeping a friend of the opposite sex, or he knows clearly what he wants and only time will tell. Sadly, it is only he who knows the agenda in this relationship.

Since you seem to have conversations with this woman friend of his, it is time you  let your man know that you intend to bring this discussion up if things don’t change. I feel that your husband needs to  deal with this issue firmly and truthfully once and for all if he truly values what he has with you. So, bring up the discussion again and speak out, letting him see what this is doing to you as a person, as well as to your relationship with him. Be candid about the fact that it is both unhealthy and also does not make for a good image. Keep cool and don’t let your emotions affect the way you communicate. Be civil, straight to the point, but  loving in the way you communicate. Let him know that you communication does not in any way cast aspersions on his behavior or mean that you suspect him, but rather, that it is an issue of protecting what he has and his image as a family man.