Warning signs of an under-performing relationship

“I feel so alone,” said my wife one day. I immediately went on the defensive. I wondered why she would issue such a ‘careless’ statement.

Without giving her a chance to explain herself, I mentioned the days and hours we spent together. Slowly, it dawned on me to let her explain herself instead of thinking I can fix everything.

As she talked, it was clearly not about physical presence, but a feeling of emotional distance. We would get home but get so busy with kids, cooking, my personal work and totally forget to just give time to the expression of our day’s frustrations. This is where she was.

When we don’t pay attention to these warning signals, we could find our relationships on a downward spiral. Here are some:

1. “We never agree on anything”

A couple who argue almost on everything, would tend to evaluate there relationship in that light. Even though there may be many issues they ca’we never agree’.  With time, such a couple finds themselves not connected in any issue.

2. “I’m always excluded”

When one partner consistently feels dismissed, rejected and patronised, then the relationship is in a bad place.

“Marriages that reach this place are toxic” says Dr Savage Bryce Kaye, author of The Marriage First Aid Kit. This makes the wounded party ask questions such as: “Am I important? Am I needed here?”

It is a bad feeling when you get the thought that you are the last to know about certain important issues that concern one or both partners.

3. “We never resolve anything”

Couples who keep issues unresolved are more likely to say this phrase. A lack of intentionality to resolve outstanding issues can place a heavy emotional burden on the relationship.

The truth in relationships is “The clock starts ticking on the end of a marriage as soon as one spouse puts the problems out in the open” says Dr Savage.

As a result, issues swept under the carpet (left unresolved) become the very reason for marriage that cease to function.

4. “We never plan together”

A couple that is moving in opposite direction by failing consistently to plan together end up building a selfish and individualistic life.

Remember, the two shall become one flesh. What would make one spouse not want to spend time with their partner to share their dreams and future plans?

For most couples, it is fear? The environment we create is responsible for the chemistry and connection we build.

When we don’t schedule time with each other and stop doing things together, these actions create a feeling of loneliness. The couple stops dreaming together on what the marriage could become, soon we remain strangers living in the same house.

As a couple enters a phase of no agreement, and a feeling of exclusion, this kills their intimacy and opens their world to other things that should bring that much needed fulfilment.

What are some warning signs you need to pay attention to in your relationship?