What do I do to keep a relationship?

Hello Mr Kitoto,

I am an avid reader of your column and appreciate the good work you are doing.

I am 28 years old and currently an intern. I am bad at maintaining relationships with women my age or younger because I hate their habit of asking for stuff and excessive communication (late night texting/calls).

I am just a systematic or moral person but some people say that I am always serious.

However, I am actually a social guy and most of my chats are about love/sex. The strange thing is that older women seem to be interested in me; they love my chats. I feel as if I am facing a personality crisis, with age catching up.

How can I address this issue of not being able maintain relationships with younger women (for marriage) or am I just a joker or too serious with life?

How can someone take long to communicate and keep on saying that they are busy and that they care yet they act differently?

Many women have a crush on me but I don’t think they are potential partners. What do real potential partners chat about and what are the features of a healthy relationship?    

 
Hi,

Thank you for the kind compliments. We endeavour to do our best to help people relate better. Relationships are a key cause of both pain and joy to dating couples.

What I deduce from your mail is lack of a clear goal for getting involved in relationships since it contributes to your inability to maintain healthy relationships.

The question to ask yourself is your reason for being in a relationship.

Currently, your aim seems to be sexual gratification. I guess that is why your dating is erratic.

Also, I find your definition of terms like morality and marriage lacking in substance with regard to what makes a great relationship.

You morals emanate from your values and beliefs. What do you think a woman’s place is in your life?

I hope your past will not influence your views on women if you really want to make the best of it.

A woman must feel that she is valued beyond being there to satisfy a man’s sexual desire.

Any man who sees his wife as his best companion lays the requisite foundation for unity in the relationship.

PURE AFFAIR
I suggest that you take time to evaluate your previous and current relationships.

You should ask yourself whether your current problems are the products of your current and previous actions.

I believe the moment you sort this out, you will attract the right kind of people around you.

Marriage takes honest commitment and a desire to make the best of the relationship.

Selfishness does nothing but advance the belief that no one is as important as you are.

There are great books locally available that can give you tips on what makes relationships work. All the best.

I don’t want to be in a loveless union

Hello Kitoto,

I am a regular reader of your column.

I met this man in college and six months later, he asked me out. We were blessed with a son while I was still living with my mum.

Our long-distance relationship was solid and became even better after the birth of our son.

I lived with my mother-in-law until he got a better job in a nearby town and then relocated to be with him.

That is when my problems started. He was always chatting on his phone, didn’t talk much and soon we stopped being intimate.

I complained about his preoccupation with his phone and one day looked at it secretly and found a post on which he was bragging to his best friend about his encounter with a certain girl.

I was deeply hurt while he was very angry with me. I went back to my home, but it was almost a year before my mother-in-law came to visit.

Later, I sat him down to see whether we could salvage our relationship. He apologised and told me I was the only woman he wanted to be with.

He assured me that he would break up with the other woman. I went back and he made a lot of effort but I later learnt that he was still seeing the other woman.

My mother-in-law struggled to find me a job in their home town, in vain.

Then, sadly, she died. I later learnt that she had told her friends she really wished I would not leave her son.

There was a lot of pressure from relatives and her friends for me to return.

I resigned and moved to my husband’s home where I found a job with the help of an aunt.

He became distant and started coming home late and downcast. When we talked, he told me he wasn’t sure that was the best time for me to return.

He said he was trying to protect me from the bad reputation he had acquired as a play boy.

He also said he had changed, and was no longer the person I knew.

Even though I knew he was cheating on me, hearing him say that hurt me very much. He said he was ready to face his demons and make it work this time around.

It is now three-and-a-half months since we started living together.

It was tough for the first two months but I have started seeing little changes. We can talk and even laugh.

He is great with our son but the fact that we haven’t been intimate worries me.

I love this man unconditionally but I find myself asking myself these questions: 1) Did he just give in to pressure because I came back? 2) Is he in this relationship because we have a child together? 3) Am I wasting my time in this relationship?

I don’t want to be in a loveless union just because I have a child with him.

Hi,

I commend you for seeking to do what’s right for your relationship.

Among the issues that your relationship suffers from is the disappointment you experienced when your husband cheated on you.

Long-distance relationships come with two problems: physical and emotional distance.

If a couple fails to find ways of keeping the relationship alive, they can have problems.

It is clear that your relocating to live with him did not change matters because of the habits he had already acquired.

However, not all long-distance relationships end up like this.

When spouses cultivate healthy habits and practices that keep them accountable to each other regardless of the distance, they enable the relationship to mature.

Threatening or policing each other does not work. What they need is self-control.

I get the feeling that your partner’s values and behaviour are different from yours and have made him compromise on his walk and commitment to the relationship.

Fidelity and accountability are characteristics he lacks but will need to cultivate to make your marriage work.

Besides, it depends on whether he consciously decides to surround himself with the right kind of friends.

It is said that bad company corrupts good morals.

Developing and guarding one’s heart and mind against the temptations of the flesh are virtues that must be learnt and treasured.

What I see is a man boasting to his friend about a selfish act.

WHAT IT TAKES
Restoring a relationship requires that those involved take a serious look at what is ailing it and begin taking steps towards healing it.

Where sexual compromise, pornography and similar vices are concerned, the way we manage reconciliation and restoration is key.

Putting the issues on the table and saying sorry to each other is not enough.

The initial reconnection and your desire to forgive each other must be followed by a clear plan regarding what should be done to break the habit.

Habitual sins require a much stricter approach that might demand more from the couple than under normal circumstances.

When couples work closely with a marriage counsellor and include prayer, faith and discipline, they make progress.

For example, moving house, changing work station or getting new friends has helped some couples start adopting new habits that have helped restore their relationships.

Besides, one cannot underestimate the power of accountability and personal discipline.

Every spouse who means well must be willing to see the damage the problem is causing and make an effort to re-engage for the purpose of supporting each other to heal rather than blaming each other.

There is a need for you to question what has not worked and why.

What can be done differently? As much as your relationship is facing a tough time, I am glad that you had a great mother-in-law who seemed to love you as if you were her own daughter.

If your husband fails to see this mega sacrifice his mother and you made, then it will be hard for him to truly appreciate where you are at today.

RADICAL CHANGES
That you left your job and relocated to join him should not have been done simply to honour your mother-in-law.

Although you had a lot of faith in her, you should have your own reasons for wanting your relationship to work.

Meanwhile, your husband should learn to live responsibly.

He has to demonstrate, even if just in small ways, his commitment to you and your child.

Now that he has decided to open up, I suggest that you take the opportunity to see whether he will accept to face his demons with the help of someone apart from you, like a counsellor.

As to whether he gave in to pressure because you came back, all I can say is that your future cannot be determined, or lived, by others.

You have a chance to decide wisely after evaluating the facts at hand.

It is up to you to evaluate his sincerity with regard to restoring your relationship.

Where possible, help him transit to loving you through his mother’s promises or the child.

He has to make radical changes for any meaningful restoration of your relationship.

Finally, review your life with wisdom and discernment and see what needs to change in the way you relate to him.

It could just be that there is something you do that, if done differently, would get things moving for the better.

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