Why can I do to put a stop to this habit

Dear Kitoto 

I have had a problem with masturbation for about seven years. I am now worried that I may face impotence in future.

I have not had sex with a woman for all these years, and I am afraid of what my sexual inactivity means. 

The longest I have abstained from masturbation is 20 days because I heard that it is easier to break a habit if one abstains for 21 days.

 I go to church and pray a lot, I don’t know what to do but I believe that I am not worthy.

I don’t even have to watch porn to do it, I am 26 years confused, desperate for help, please advise me on what I should do, or what book I should read on addiction because I earn less than Sh7,000 and therefore cannot afford a private counsellor.

Desperado 

Hi,

Masturbation is the physical act of exciting the sexual organs by rubbing, stroking, or fondling.

This practice may be a part of sexual habits that develop in adolescence, through abuse experienced, lack of love and support while growing up, and enticements that come through subjecting one’s mind to pornography or cyber sex.

With time, it becomes an addiction that can get out of hand

In your case, it has become a cycle that you are finding difficult to manage. Biblically and spiritually, masturbation is viewed as a sin. While morally and culturally masturbation can be seen as an act where by one has “sexual intercourse” with oneself.

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

When this happens it not only violates one’s self-image and esteem, but it leaves those who practice it feeling guilty, confused, and ashamed of their actions. In conversations, it is not something they can talk about openly.

That is why talking about it to an accountability person is a first step to getting help.

Sex plays an important role in marriage. However, Marriage needs more than sex to survive.

Healthy marriages enjoy sex that is the result of a thriving relationship. A relationship that is growing in intimacy will also deepen in every other area.

When a couple begins to place sex above the health of the relationship, then sex becomes a duty and later a bone of contention.

Ensure that sex does not become a god in your life; and that you do not reduce another person’s life to becoming a sex object.

That said, in the past we have dealt with this issue of masturbation.

As I answer your question, I will draw from my reflections then  seek to reflect broader to cover what I feel will be helpful.

First, masturbation catches one in a web where they feel the need to increase its frequency in order to achieve satisfaction.

Therefore, the first step to breaking this cycle of masturbation is admitting that you have a problem and be willing to speak about it.

This you have done. When you decide to open up about it, you are able to address two key issues — one being my inability to deal with the issue by myself; and two, the need for accountability and support in dealing with the issue.

The fact that you have tried to do it by yourself and it has backfired shows the need for an accountability person.

Since you are church going, repentance, prayer, feeding your mind on the word of God, renewal of the mind and accountability to a spiritual leader will be of great help.

LONG JOURNEY

Another important factor in dealing with the issue of masturbation is a commitment to a process not just an action. You seem frustrated to the fact that you have tried everything and nothing seems to work for you.

The process requires that you recognise that building productive relationships will achieve for you a level of fulfilment and satisfaction that will help put strategies in place to overcome the habit.

Like most people who have found themselves caught in the habit of masturbation, you feel helpless.

As a result, this process will require a lot of time and accountability support from yourself, a spiritual leader and a counsellor.

The stress, shame, confusion, distress, depression, guilt and low self-esteem you feel now is normal. However, you need to face this boldly and not allow the lack of progress to make you give up.

Some battles take long but bring greater joy to those who persevere. I pray that you will not lose heart because if you do, it will become an uncontrollable and abnormal practice.

I have handed your request for counselling to our counsellor who will be contacting you soon.