Come, let’s grieve together and help each other get on

The birth of a baby is a highly anticipated event in nearly all families. So the announcement of a pregnancy is most welcome news, not just for the parents-to-be, but for the extended family as well.

That is why a stillbirth, or the death of a baby in the final stages of pregnancy, during labour or soon after delivery, is such a tragic event for mothers, fathers and families around And as the stories below show, it takes a lot to overcome the experience.

LUCY AWINO: NEVER LOSE HOPE

Lucy Awino, who lost five babies between 2009 and 2015, says the pain is unbearable.

During her first pregnancy, she suddenly started running a fever and by the time she got to the hospital, the baby was dead and had to be flushed out.

“We went and buried it,” recounts Ms Awino, who lives in Kisumu and visited several doctors and even resorted to herbal concoctions in her efforts to have a child.

 “The doctors performed a variety of tests but all turned out negative. Thereafter, it became a case of trial and error,” she says.

“One gynaecologist told me I had cervical incompetence and advised me to undergo cervical cerclage (also known as cervical stitching) during the fifth month of pregnancy, which I did,” she continues.

Cervical incompetence is a condition in which a pregnant woman’s cervix begins to dilate and efface (thin) before her pregnancy has reached term.

But that didn’t help, and Ms Awino  lost the pregnancy at six months.

With mounting social pressure to have a baby, she desperately continued trying.

“My neighbours called me an outcast and rejected me. I became the laughing stock,” she recalls.

Another gynaecologist prescribed daily shots of  Heparin until she delivered. Heparin is an anticoagulant (blood thinner) used to treat and prevent blood clots in the veins, arteries, or lungs. But that didn’t help either.

We kept trying but the cycle of bad luck continued, until we lost our fifth child.

When the search for a conventional solution failed to yield any fruit, Ms Awino sought divine intervention. She consulted a self-styled prophet who told her, “It is well.”

“I had told God that I would offer him a big sacrifice to give me a child to shame the devil,” she says.

She conceived a sixth time but came close to losing her baby when she was involved in an accident. “I was travelling from Nairobi to Kisumu when our vehiclc hit a cyclist. I started bleeding and was rushed to hospital,” she says.

“While queuing at the hospital, I sent another message to the servant of God and he once again responded, ‘It is well’” she says.

After a thorough examination, she was discharged and advised to be on bed rest until she delivered.

And so on April 5, 2016, Victoria Imani was born.

“Giving birth is the most exciting thing for a woman and as soon as the baby is placed in her arms, she forgets the agonising pain that came with it,” says Ms Awino, who calls Victoria a miracle baby.

Smartphone in her hand, she proudly watches her daughter try to sit up. Still, she cannot forget the children she lost. “Had they lived, they would be playing hide-and-seek after school,” she says.

“When I see you smile,” she tells Victoria, “I’m reminded of the Lord’s victory. We might have been subjected to unbearable pain. We might have lost five pregnancies, but here we are,” she says, her voice shaking with emotion.

Ms Awino advises women never to give up.

“Had I lost hope, I wouldn’t be having a baby. Remain focused and ignore what society says about you. Try all possible means, including medical and divine intervention,” she advises.

WANJIRU KIHUSA: YOU HEAL, BUT HAVE A SCAR

Ms Wanjiru Kihusa got married in June 2012 and was excited and ready to start life with her husband.

In June 2013, she discovered she was pregnant and they were elated. But she started spotting at seven weeks and called her doctor.

At dawn her husband took her to the hospital, where a scan indicated that the pregnancy was still fine but she was placed on hormonal medicines to support it.

The doctor told her that she had a threatened miscarriage but since the pregnancy was still viable, they had placed her on medicine.

“I was on the medication until the twelfth week. It was a difficult pregnancy and I experienced lots of nausea. After the twelfth week the doctor recommended that I stop taking the medicine since the baby had formed well,” says Ms Kihusa.

But from week18 she started feeling sick, and every doctor she visited told her she had an infection because of the antibiotics she had been taking.

Then one doctor advised her to go for an ultrasound, which showed that she was carrying a girl; they named her Leila.

She was later advised to take a rest.

“But even with the rest, I didn’t feel better. Then in the twentieth week in November 2013, I began experiencing pain in the middle of the night. My husband rushed me to the hospital; the baby had a heart beat but she was distressed. The medicine I was given to prevent labour failed and at noon the next day, my waters broke. I later delivered,” she says. But the baby died.

Ms Kihusa almost collapsed when she learnt of her baby’s death.

“You can imagine how eagerly I had waited for this baby. I am yet to come to terms with the loss,” she says.

The realisation that she could not feel Leila when she rubbed her stomach drained her.

“I enjoyed playing with my girl. When I rubbed my stomach I would feel her move,” she recalls. “The pain in my breasts was also unbearable. I would hide in my bedroom to express the milk. Eventually, I had to take medication to stop them from producing milk. It was very painful,” she says, breaking into tears.

Months after she lost her baby, the doctors discovered that she had listeriosis, a serious infection caused by the bacterium listeria, which mainly affects older adults, pregnant women, and newborns.

In pregnant women, the infection causes fever, fatigue and aches all over. It can lead to miscarriage, stillbirth, premature delivery, or a life-threatening infection to the newborn.

In March 2014, she found out that she was pregnant but unfortunately, lost her the baby again. This time the doctors diagnosed her with a progesterone deficiency.

“I cried to God and asked Him whether I would be a mother one day?” she recounts.

“I know one day I will be a mother. My husband and I have decided to take a break before we give it a try,” she says.

“I did a lot of soul searching, struggled with my relationship with God. I battled many things. You can’t get over it. You might heal, but you have a scar forever,” says Ms Kihusa.

She says as she tried to heal, she was told a number of things that made her feel as if she had a problem.

“The myths surrounding pregnancy and infant loss are very traumatizing. Women who miscarry are assumed to have aborted,” she says “In the event of recurrent losses, your in-laws conclude that you are bewitched and that they should get their son another wife.”

Then she adds, “My husband was very supportive and dismissed such talk. After I was discharged, we went away for two weeks to heal. We were not ready to host anyone and retell the story,” she says.

When she returned from her break, Ms Kihusa shared her story and was amazed at the large number of people suffering in silence.

Consequently, she formed a support group, Still A Mum, in May 2015. They celebrated Pregnancy and Infant Loss Week for the first time that year. The event brought together more than 80 men and women.

“We support the affected and also create awareness and give hope. We have walked with over 270 men and women,” says Ms Kihusa.

“Your womanhood is not tied to anything; you are a woman whether or not you are a mother. Most of us struggle with that when we feel like we can’t do something that comes so easily to other women,” she says.

They have also formed a WhatsApp support group. 

ELIZABETH LWANGA: GOD’S TIMING IS BEST

Mrs Elizabeth Lwanga also had a similarly traumatic experience after losing her second and fourth pregnancies, both at 12 weeks.   However, in her case, it was not even clear“Getting over the losses was very difficult. I felt as if I had lost part of my body.

Several questions went unanswered.

She wondered whether her husband would consider her a complete failure. “At some point I thought he would leave me for a another woman,” she says

“I can’t really explain what happened because they just came out, but I thank my husband for his support,” says Mrs Lwanga.

The feeling that she might never have a child drained her and she went for several tests, all of which confirmed that she did not have a problem.

“My mother encouraged me and, thanks to God, I have three boys and a girl,” she says.

“Spiritual nourishment can move mountains. Women should never give up. God’s timing is the best,” she says.

***

CHILD LOSS: CAUSES AND EFFECTS

According to the World Health Organisation (WHO), 2.6 million babies are stillborn worldwide every year.  Half of these occur during labour, the organisation’s assistant director-general for family and community health, Dr Flavia Bustreo, says.

In addition 303,000 mothers die in childbirth every year while 2.7 million babies die during the first 28 days of life. The organisation says stillbirth and pregnancy loss are caused by sexually transmitted infections, malaria, and HIV, maternal disorders (especially hypertension, obesity and diabetes), foetal growth restriction and congenital abnormalities.

Meanwhile, Dr Aggrey Akula, an obstetrician/gynaecologist  in Kisumu, says many stillbirths would be prevented if mothers attended clinic for the nine months for monitoring.

“It becomes a problem when you attend clinic for the first three months and then disappear. It means that the growth of the foetus will not be monitored. So much happens that needs to be checked. Pregnancy is very delicate and doctors need to know what is happening,” he says.

He says that the causes of most stillbirths and pregnancy losses are umbilical cord accidents and placenta complications.

“Expectant mothers must visit the hospital at least four times. This makes it easier for the doctor to detect any abnormality that might arise,” he says.

He adds that many stillbirths and pregnancy losses are attributable to lifestyle-related illnesses that can be avoided. Other natural causes, such as congenital malformations, if detected early, can be managed medically.

Forensic psychologist Dr Oscar Githua says women who undergo such experiences should seek help.

“Don’t suffer alone; talking to your friends or family can help, but sometimes an anonymous voice at the end of a phone is easier,” he says.

“When there are people to encourage and help her, she will get through that rough moment rather easier than if she were alone,” he says.

Meanwhile, Emma Robertson Blakmore, a professor of psychiatry at the University of Rochester in New York, US, found that a woman who has a miscarriage is at risk of depression and anxiety symptoms in subsequent years. Indeed, even after having a healthy child, women who have miscarried have a higher risk of postpartum depression, Blackmore further found. In a paper published in the British Journal of Psychiatry in 2011, she followed more than 13,000 women for three years post-childbirth.  Of the number, 2,823 had had miscarriages while about 15 per cent experienced clinically significant depression and anxiety during and after pregnancy for up to three years.