Pregnant and alone? Fear not, we are here to support you

When you are brought up in a staunch Christian home, and your father has been a deacon and church elder for years, your mother a Sunday school teacher; as their child, you are expected to observe the highest possible morals standards.

“You are also expected to know better, to behave in a certain way at all times and to avoid situations and places that may portray a negative image of yourself, your family and your church,” says Fiona Okadia, 24.

Fiona is the only daughter, a middle child of the three siblings.

Here is her story.

“I went to Calvary Baptist primary school and then to Naivasha Secondary School - my social life was limited to school, church and home, and while in high school, my circle of friends were mostly the girls I went to church with,” she explains.

When she joined university, she realised that there was a different world out there.

“The way my peers socialised was different from what I had known all my life - they mingled freely, and they talked openly about topics such as sex and contraception, which had been taboo subjects in my circle of friends. Every time these conversations came up, I shied away, embarrassed to contribute, because we never talked about them at home, school or in church.”

She adds, “Naturally, I am a chatterbox, and when my college friends talked about general topics, I would contribute, laugh and jell really well, but on topics that had to do with sex or other related subjects, I would clam up, since I knew nothing about them. They would prod me to contribute to the conversation, but since I could not, I began to keep to myself.”

In her loneliness, one of her male peers showed some interest in her and she started warming up to his advances. He became her boyfriend, her circle of friends changed, and she found herself exploring more of this new side of life. Six months into the relationship, she became pregnant with his child.

“I did not think I was pregnant because my periods are irregular and I did not experience morning sickness,” says Fiona.

Her father however noticed some changes in her, which he commented about.

UNINVITED GUEST

“He pointed out that I seemed to be stressed and moody, so he suggested that I defer my studies, his argument being that I was studying a course I was not interested in.”

Stressed about the possibility of pregnancy, Fiona, who was studying economics at Daystar University, opted to give her studies a break. With each passing day, she became more and more melancholic, and her moods would fluctuate from bad to worse. Her boyfriend suggested that she go for a pregnancy test to take the matter to rest once and for all. She did, only to confirm the “worst”.

She says, “I was known as a church girl, and the last thing anyone expected of me was that I would have a child out of wedlock.” 

Her boyfriend at that time was elated with the news, but since he was a student like her, he could not support her financially but was present and communicated with her constantly.

Afraid of how her parents would react when they found out she was pregnant, Fiona packed her bags, switched off her cellphone and left home, moving from one friend’s house to another, dreading what the future held for her. At this point, her parents were worried sick; a month had gone by, and they had no idea where she was. They had even filed a formal report with the police.

Four months into the pregnancy, her boyfriend started drifting away. Confused and hurt, Fiona kept reaching out to him. The day she knew the relationship was truly over was when she turned up at his doorstep: It was his birthday, and he had invited friends to celebrate. She had heard about the birthday, which she had not been invited to, through friends.

Her Agenda was to move in with him, and she let him know this as soon as she arrived. She thought this was a good idea, since communication between them was deteriorating and their relationship was fizzling out.

“Since he was my only support system and the only one who knew that I was pregnant, I thought that he would welcome me with open arms.”

She was wrong. Even though he said nothing, he seemed angry, left her standing there and went to sit with his friends, avoiding eye contact with her. Fiona, then six months into her pregnancy, told herself that he was simply digesting the news, and she joined a couple of their mutual friends at one corner of the room.

After sometime, her boyfriend suddenly got up and walked up to her, and punched her face. Fiona was in a daze. Throughout their relationship, he had never been physically abusive.

Their friends started walking out, one after the other, perhaps shocked and embarrassed on her behalf.

ANGRY DAD

“Eventually, it was just the two of us. That night, he beat me up so badly, I was sure that I would lose my baby, since he did not spare even my stomach. When I asked him what I had done to deserve the beating, he accused me of infidelity.”

While seated on the sofa, waiting for morning, Fiona felt the weight of the world descend on her shoulders, yet there was no one to lean on.

“I was ashamed of myself, I felt empty, lonely and betrayed by the world; this was certainly the lowest point of my life. I wondered until when I was going to run and hide. I was tired.”

The following morning, Fiona did three important things. First, she left her boyfriend’s house, never to return; second, she went to the supermarket, bought a diary and pen and started writing about her pregnancy experiences, feelings, and thoughts. Third, she permanently ended the venomous relationship with the man whom had once claimed to love her, but who had cruelly turned his back on her when she had most needed him.

She did not return home though, instead putting up with friends. An aunt managed to track her down and advised her to see a counsellor. She agreed. It is here that her aunt and the counsellor organised for Fiona to reconnect with her mother, giving her the opportunity to disclose her pregnancy.

“I was petrified and scared, but managed to open up to my mother. Surprisingly, she received the news calmly, and even convinced me to go back home to tell my father.” 

A week later, after thinking long and hard, Fiona went back home, only to find an angry and unwelcoming dad, a reaction she now understands.

“Which father would not be angry should their beloved daughter get pregnant out of wedlock and then run away from home?” she poses, and adds,

“With my mother’s intervention however, he let go of his anger, accepted me back home and supported me, albeit at a distance, throughout the pregnancy until I gave birth to my baby boy, Chiiwo, who will be turning three in December this year. My parents have been my pillar, they help me 100 per cent with my child, and I will always be grateful for that.”

While contemplating what direction she should take, her elder brother suggested that she resume her studies.

“I went back to university, but I did not feel fulfilled; I wanted more, though I had no idea what.” 

A BLOGGER IS BORN

While still trying to figure out what the more was, Fiona decided to turn her journal into a book. She shared it with a friend, who recommended that she consider blogging about her experiences instead, since this would reach many more women going through a similar experience.

She shared the idea with her mother, who thought it was a fantastic one. Together, they came up with the name Amira Africa. Fiona explains that the name symbolises the strength and beauty of an Africa woman.

“It has now become a platform for young mothers to share their stories, connect and support one another. Over 300 moms are registered with her organisation.

Fiona organises at least four events a year, events that bring together hundreds of young single mothers keen to not only share their experiences, but also what they know about various subjects that affect them.

Even more important, Fiona pairs first-time mothers with older and more experienced mothers who help their charges in whatever way, be it shopping for the newborn or simply being the person they can talk to in the middle of the night when they need reassurance. This important programme is program called Mumentors, and has been running since May this year.

Fiona’s desire is to see that women who accept the challenge of motherhood have someone to walk with and lean on. Looking back, Fiona, who is in her third year at university, says that she does not regret the past, because it gave birth to this initiative that is giving her so much fulfillment, and one that is benefitting hundreds of single mothers.

“My experiences, bad and good, have helped me to become knowledgeable and strong, and I intend to use them to inspire young women for as long as I can.”

Through her activities, she has been able to get scholarships for two children whose mothers her organisation is supporting, from kindergarten to Class Eight at Winker Academy, located in Kariobangi North. She hopes to get even more such support as time goes by.

Fiona hopes to see Amira Africa continue to grow and solidify its place as a platform where young mothers will find motivation, be elevated and be encouraged to move forward.

Want to know more? Log onto www.amiraafrica.co.ke