My online lover dumped me and I find it hard to move on

A person uses a tablet. PHOTO | ROBERT MICHAEL | AFP

What you need to know:

  • You must remind yourself constantly that you still have a great future ahead.
  • No one else will create those hopes and dreams for you.

Kitoto,

I am sorry to ask this here, but I desperately need help. I have been in a relationship for six months with a man I met online. At first, I was reluctant to date him but he persuaded me, promising that he would marry me. He convinced me that he would never hurt or leave me. With time, I fell in love with him, and after a few months, I decided to give him a chance. Things were going on well at the beginning. He treated me like a queen, with so much tenderness and thought, but this was short-lived. A few months later, his behaviour started changing. He would often hurt my feelings by telling me about his undying romantic fantasies about his former girlfriend. He stopped making time for me and would only meet me when I sought to see him. As if that was not enough, I paid for all our dates. Worse still, he had no respect for me whatsoever in public, as he would shamelessly touch me inappropriately even when I showed my displeasure. He never made any effort to make our relationship better, and whenever I suggested we discuss our issues, he would ignore me. This hurt me so much and left me feeling empty. Then the bombshell. When he finally told me that he no longer wanted me in his life, I was desperate and devastated. I did my best and tried to reason logically with him, with no success. It took all my strength to let him go. It’s now three weeks since we last talked or met but I am still hurting and dying inside, just imagining that he’s with his ex-girlfriend, treating her like a queen while my life seems like it’s crumbling down. Many warning signs were thrown at me but I ignored all of them. I now feel like a fool. I am torn between forgetting him and making peace with him, which could not be very advisable, but on the flip side, I have a lot of pent-up anger and bitterness, which is really holding me back on many levels. I feel trapped. As a Christian, I feel there is need to forgive him. I want to make peace with him but at the same time, I don’t want him to think that he still has power over me. Please tell me which approach I should take.

Catherine

 

Hello Catherine,

Unlike in the 1970s when singles went to social places looking for love, today, millions are joining the new wave of online dating. Some have ended up happy while many more have ended up with wounds inflicted by a partner theay did not have enough time to know fully.

Before I respond to your question, I would like to remind those who depend on online dating sites that as much as some of the relationships turn out okay, there are a majority who have been left disappointed. When you are involved in an online relationship, there is need to be aware of some issues. First, do your homework well and if possible, do a background check on the person. Don’t just say yes to a stranger. Second, take responsibility for your feelings, actions and commitment. Don’t promise what will in the end comprise your identity, values and where you want to head. While it may be difficult to detect who will be a danger and threat to you, do your best to discover as much as you can about them.

That said, I really don’t think the initial time you spent dating this man was productive enough. In any relationship, as I have alluded to before, one needs to do their homework well. Know this person from varied contexts and situations. People cannot hide their true self forever. There is a saying in Kiswahili, “Siku za mwizi ni arobaini,”, which means that a thief has the proverbial 40 days. I believe that by asking the same question in different ways and at different times or periods can help reveal a lot about a person. Despite the potential risks, some experts in the field of dating feel that there is no need to shy away from online dating as long as precautions are taken.

It is advisable to try and prevent yourself from getting desperate, which prompts one to get into a doomed relationship. What I am seeing here is a relationship that went too far, too quickly. Remember, even roads have warning signs and bumps that warn roads users. Those who watch the signs tend to not only save themselves, but could have as well help save the other road users. Second, every person in a relationship must embrace the power of relational intelligence. While dating, let’s not be easily blinded by words or actions that are meant to steal our hearts away. Let’s take along our power of reasoning in relationships.

Use your disclosure effectively. Someone’s behaviour can be monitored over a period of time, so, if you notice erratic or inconsistency in their actions (for example they become abusive). We must understand our love language and guard it against being abused by someone seeking to only take advantage.

Gary Chapman, an author, says that while love is a splendorous thing, it is sometimes a very confusing thing. “And as people come in all varieties, shapes and sizes, so do their choices of personal expressions of love,” he adds.

 Since the tongue has the power of life and death, we need to be careful about the words spoken to us. We should gauge whether they are sincere. It’s evident that this man lied to you using words that were meant to be powerful communicators of love.

Now that he is gone, how do you pick yourself and move on? First, take responsibility for your feelings and actions. Blaming and allowing feelings of jealousy and vengeance to consume you will not help you. You already know this man’s character. Just like one who fell and hurt themselves, pick yourself up, seek good accountability partners and talk about that past. Secondly, make a resolution for the future based on what you have learned from this relationship. It is not about whether you will fall, rather, about what you will do when we fall.

Third, for many people like you, the first impulse is to try to fix what was broken or recover what was lost. The truth is that this man was emotionally abusive; you opened up to a man who wounded you. These are scars that may take long to heal and could actually hinder or scare you from getting into another relationship. “If you are still distressed by feelings of failure, idealising the one who rejected you and are intent on recovering the lost relationship, you’ve essentially granted this relationship the power to consume your life and create your misery,” states an article I read in Psychology Today recently.

Healing and moving forward will require hard work:

1. Make a choice to move forward

2. Seek inner healing by letting go of the pain and regrets you are carrying. This man hurt you! Period! Don’t let that baggage deny you the future that is still ahead.

3. Face you grief positively, not as the end of you and your desire to love someone else, but as the end of ever letting someone else hurt you again.

4. Make peace with yourself and seek God’s intervention in prayer and resolve to do better in future.

5. Remember that moving on should be your end goal. You must remind yourself constantly that you still have a great future ahead. No one else will create those hopes and dreams for you.

Hello,

I am 33 and have been married for five years. My wife and I have two boys, four years and nine months-old. Early this year, we differed over some issues and I left home, since then, I have not seen her and my sons though we sometimes talk through the phone. I am worried because I am not the first one in my family to go through this. When we were young, my father and mother separated. A few years ago, my elder brother left his family. I am confused. What is happening? Could it be a curse in our family? I want to forget everything and go back to my wife and children because I can’t imagine starting another family with another woman, though that’s what my relatives want. Yes, my wife is not the best, I mean, she is big headed and too proud, but at the end of the day, she is the mother of my children. My question is; should I forget everything that happened between us and go back home? Should I go ahead and marry another woman? What do I do with my boys? I can’t talk to my wife’s father because he is not concerned. Where do I start?

 

Hi there,

Some people believe that if one comes from a polygamous family, then there are high chances that they will take the same route. Others who come from abusive homes or whose parents are divorced believe the same thing will happen to them. I can see that you have the same beliefs. You believe this is something that runs in your family.

From the many counselling sessions I have done spanning over 30 years, I can state two perspectives: First, there are several couples who have come to me from a background of either an abusive marriage, a broken home, or divorced parents, who were facing divorce, abuse or some level of dysfunction. Somehow, their relationships were negatively impacted by the abuse they witnessed or went through themselves. This ended up causing them to separate or divorce.

That said, I have had the chance to conduct pre-marital counselling sessions and seen young people who come from such backgrounds get married and move on to enjoy successful marriages. With proper counselling and determination, many young couples have steered their marriages away from the path of abuse or divorce.

In addition, many single parents from such difficult backgrounds have taught their children lessons that have helped them to not fear the institution of marriage.

Forgiveness in such circumstances and a sincere desire to live differently and not in the shadows of our parents can do wonders. Turning your back on the present and starting another family with another woman will not help. You need to confront your past fears, and a counsellor can help you do this. Learn to affirm yourself and deal with your insecurities. Another woman in another house or town will not solve this one for you.

I propose that as you go for counselling, ask your wife to go along with you. I don’t think that your issues are unmanageable. If you cannot get a good counsellor, write back and seek help. We can find you one.

Your wife needs a focused and Godly man to lead her. Your children need a father. This is not too much to ask. I am sure there must be issues somewhere in the relationship that are causing her to act this way – being big-headed and proud as you say.

 I believe in open and sincere dialogue. I would suggest that without prejudice, you list down factors that would make you go back to your wife. On another sheet, list down the issues you think make it impossible for the two of you to be together. If you are honest, your answer is right there, particularly if you choose to remain impartial in the way you draw up the list. Pick this list and see a counsellor. You will be surprised at what you will find. All the best.