Grow a healthy relationship

Once one partner is able to differentiate facts from feelings, then they will be able to see others more clearly and not through the filters of their past failures, pain, and disappointments. Every person needs to arm themselves with the right tools so as to avoid making self-destructive choices that lead to pain.

Sadly, most relational problems and break ups can be traced back to misconceptions on what makes a relationship dynamic or able to thrive and bring satisfaction. So, what are the tools that will help one do a better at being the right partner?

Know your Person

Knowing who you are is key to emotional health. When you look down on yourself, this will always be an issue in the way others relate to you. Knowing yourself will create a feeling of safety, because you are free to show up authentically in the relationship, live out your values, and can ask for what you need without fear.

When we grow a healthy self, our values will gravitate us to people with similar values. If we don’t listen to those values, we most likely get involved with the wrong company. Remembering that you are the most important person in your life will help you make the resolve to value the greatest resource you have — which is you. When you know who you are, you won’t desire to be someone else or even be surrounded by people that always look for ways to manipulate you, put you down or look down on you.

Love Yourself

Being responsible for our self means sharing the truth of our own unique reality, without expecting someone else to determine what our reality is, whether it be a physical, emotional or spiritual reality. Part of our reality may be child abuse or an abusive adult relationship. This truth has the danger of shaping how we look and affirm ourselves.

Identifying and being in agreement with our own needs and desires within the relational context is important. This is part of loving yourself. We cant expect a relationship to show integrity where we are not true to ourselves.

People who have learned to love themselves in the right way, will always know what it means to love others. Such people will deal with what stands in the way of love. Therefore, what you truly think about yourself is the foundation of how you see others. Loving yourself truly requires that one practises healthy self talk.

The question to ask is, “What kind of self talk do you have?” For example, “Do you praise yourself for your achievements, or rebuke yourself for your failures and shortcomings?” Another question is, “Why do you need to affirm myself?” The way we love, appreciate, care for and affirm ourselves will determine who we relate to and how we relate to them. 

Be Real

Pride kills authenticity and true interaction in a relationship. Many spouses sell themselves short by not being their true selves and as a result relate superficially. The truth about life is knowing who you are, what drives you and what you want in life and your relationships with others. An article I read in Psychology Today alludes to the fact that, there’s a big difference between being authentic and being distasteful as a person.

When we are authentic, it is not just about telling other people what we think is wrong with them but also knowing the wrong there is in us; and subjecting it to a journey of restoration. It is not about judging, blaming, and shaming under the banner of being an honest person, but knowing that, the measure with which we use to measure others, we need to use it on ourselves.

How great relationships would be if we were real. When we give excuses and just judge others, we live in a fantasy world — far from authenticity. A failure to be real is just a show of our defence against vulnerability. On the other hand, being real means that we don’t allow our feelings or the feelings of others to drive us towards people who don’t share similar values with us.

We need to be real with what works for us. If someone is interested in you, but you don’t share the same feelings, be real no matter how fun it could be to be with them. Feelings come and go! Feelings of fun do not in themselves make a relationship last or deliver on the intended happiness. Let’s be reminded that, marriage is made of real people who are facing real life situations.

Enjoy Being You

A quote by the philosopher Socrates says, “By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you will become happy. If you get a bad one you will become a philosopher.”

 The idea is to ‘play hard ball’ until you are sure you have found your match. Falling for anyone who comes because you are afraid of being alone is but an illusion. The truth is, there are many married people who feel so alone and wished they never married. Enjoying your current stage in life is one way of coming to the realisation that, life has seasons and that you need to enjoy each stage.

Elizabeth Elliot say, “Single life may be only a stage of a life’s journey, but even a stage is a gift.” Allowing the fear of being single the rest of your life grip you, will make you  easy “prey“ for those seeking to take advantage. So, take care of yourself and protect your feelings from ‘prey-ers.’

Learn to be patient and refuse to settle for less. Instead wait patiently for the right moment, the right reason and the right person to marry. We should love ourselves to the extent that we are not willing to compromise who we are for the sake of pleasing the other person.

The more we learn to play hard to get, the greater the chances are that we will know what really matters to us. In fact, someone once said that, in relationships, the ‘chase’ is usually the funnest part of getting involved in a relationship because it can establish just how interested that person  is in you. If they only want you for the wrong reasons then they will give up the chase or get irritated once they realise you won’t play with them.

Use Your Intelligence

In his book Relational Intelligence, Steve Saccone states : “Relational Intelligence entails both developing one’s interpersonal skills as well as learning to embody relational health and wholeness.”

He adds that, since “Relational intelligence is the ability to learn, understand, and comprehend knowledge as it relates to interpersonal dynamics … the more emotionally intelligent we become, the more we will demonstrate increased love, respect, and trust in every relationship in our lives.”

Relating intelligently will therefore mean that we, recognise what drives us emotionally and how to handle it as we seek emotional wholeness.

Relationship partners need to take a serious look at the affect their relating patterns have on their leadership impact, concludes Saccone.