Building a strong foundation will keep your relationship thriving

The issues in marriage and relationships sometimes present problems whose answers may seem obvious. At the risk of sounding repetitive, it is those simple principles that I seek to go over again to help us maintain healthy and thriving relationships. We have had people questioning whether there are real men still left out there or whether being a team is still a possibility in marriage

When you look at the events that surround today’s relationships, one thing comes to light, selfishness. However, it is a proven fact that, a person who has managed to be a good steward of self and knows how to take responsibility over their own actions and inactions will find it easier to manage any other relationships that they find themselves a part of.

Therefore, thriving relationships must be marked by openness, selflessness, responsible behaviour, and commitment to the ideal part of the relationship where we promote freedom with responsibility if this focus on self has to die.

Openness means avoiding secrecy and instead appreciating the fact that even when we don’t see eye to eye, we should make every effort to see where our spouse is coming from.

Such disclosure creates a safe environment where each spouse is able to understand more than to be understood. You may ask, why does my partner feel and act the way they do? We should never assume that the feelings that may control and make the other person act the way they do not matter.

Therefore, regardless of our personal differences, expectations and perspective on life, make a habit of always allowing your partner the right to an opinion. This will serve top create an environment where you can both grow and thrive. When your partner’s rights to growth and improvement are neglected or denied, they will feel unwanted, less important, unaffirmed, and as a result unfulfilled in the relationship.

Consequently, the key to building a thriving relationship is our ability to embrace among other pillars, the following:

BEING REAL

Whatever happened to the need to be our authentic selves when it comes to dating and marriage? We need to realise that two adults seeking to live together is easier to say than done. The idea of building healthy and thriving relationships will remain a fantasy if a realistic check  on how they relate is not done.

Truth be told, relationships are between real people, living in a real world that has shaped them through  the real life experiences they have faced. These are people with  their own strengths and weaknesses that have been impacted by real issues that confronted them.

Some of these have been left hurt, wounded, and in some cases wiser. This is why relating intelligently helps remove ambiguities and selfishness associated with the thought that, we could be the only ones who have been through some rough patches in life. Instead we are able to remain sober and focused on the reality of the issues we face. Open and free disclosure are the foundations that create an environment where we are vulnerable and yet confident of our partner’s involvement in our journey.

We should strive to not only accept who we are but also accept our strengths and weakness, but also learn to freely speak on how such strengths and weakness affect the way we relate to each other. This is what helps shape a world of honesty and acceptance. This kind of world helps us learn to accommodate others who are different from us but who want and are willing to commit to achieving the same goal with us.

So, instead of engaging in fights every time differences arise, we commit to a journey of learning to accommodate each others differences, likes, dislikes, fears, opinions, and feelings. We make it our point to learn how such differences can help us appreciate this world differently. If not, these issues and the people who carry them become a hindrance or even a threat to our existence and our desire to achieve our goal of a healthy and thriving relationship. This mindset then sees others as the problem whenever issues arise.

On the other hand, it is foolish to live in a fantasy world that assumes that other people and their issues don’t exist, or where they do, they really do not matter.

Wanting to live your own life and ignoring the presence of others, particularly those opposed to your way of life or doing things is not a great way to create a lasting relationship.

It must be acknowledged that, the feelings we have concerning others help us in our journey of building understanding, perspective, self disclosure, honest commitment and learning.

The biggest hurdle is to build your engagement based on feelings do not necessarily support the relationship particularly in moments of conflicts.

SEEK TO COMPLEMENT

When spouses make the effort to share in their partner’s fears, dreams, desired areas of growth, and celebrate their successes without being competitive, it helps build oneness and maturity.

Thriving relationships must work towards complementing each other if health, growth and productivity is to be experienced. Low self esteem or feelings of insecurity only heighten our fears making it harder to make the best out of the bad situations in a relationship.

A couple’s connection with each other is best expressed in the way they communicate on issues that affect them. Knowing that the words we speak are extremely powerful and have the power to build or break the relationship will make us take great care in what we say and how we say it.

However, in most cases, it is intended that we understand that spoken words have the power to influence our thinking and reinforce concepts, attitudes, and practices between a people. In general, words that are badly chosen can kill passion, lower your partner’s sense of worth, self esteem, and finally sabotage the level of creativity in the relationship.

As a general rule in relationships, the words a person speaks have the capacity to build or retard the progress and productivity of the relationship. Therefore as a form of caution and reminder, Pearl Strachan argues, “Handle them carefully ... For words have more power than atom bombs.” This is because, badly spoken words only divide and promote completion and conflict.

As a result, when we choose to compete, we enter a comparisons game on who does something better than the other. This comparison and competition game thrives in the usage of killer words like, “... ‘You always’ ... ‘You never’ ... “

Traditionally, competition gets reinforced when such words begin to dominate our conversations thereby promoting  rivalry and resentment. This in itself contradicts the principle of healthy relating which says, “we do nothing through contention, neither by vain glory: but in humility, let each esteem others better than themselves.”

Various studies on relationships show that, too much competition can not only bring competition and comparisons but totally wears out on the good that could be happening in the relationship.

The positive gains in your connection will be undermined and with time this creates distance that starts to kill the desire even in us that wants to make time to sit down and discuss the areas of contention.

The truth is that when we stop seeing the good in each other and the contribution that each person brings, however small, we will end up in criticising, blaming, complaining, nagging, and bribing each other in order to get our way.

VALIDATE YOUR PARTNER

“The key component that moves a relationship forward is validation” says Pastor Scott Grizzle. How we think about others influences how we communicate and relate to them. In thriving relationships, there is an element of validation and support. This helps kill competition and instead build confidence.

When this lacks in a relationship, the temptation will be to seek external validation.  Dr Phil warns, “Love and competition are like oil and water, they do not mix ... Self worth should not be tied up with external validation.” Let your spouse feel and know that their dreams and expectations concerning the relationship are valid.

Pastor Scott adds, “validation does not mean agreement ... it is nothing more than communicating to others that their feelings, point of view, or idea is valid.” When done honestly and from a pure heart, it communicates significance and importance.  In summary, Pastor Scott alludes to the fact that:

First, validation creates a sense of safety where people can share what’s on their minds and hearts without fear of how the other will react. Second, validation helps to instills honour and respect where people feel important because their opinion has been heard. When we are dismissive of everything your partner says, it only lays a foundation of suspicion.

Third, validation helps to instill value. Value communicates to them that they are needed. When you brush off your partners ideas or feelings, it communicates rejection and he or she may become quiet and withdrawn thereby sending the relationship in the opposite direction.

Fourth, validation communicates a sense of teamwork and connection in the relationship that will in turn will deepen the synergy that is needed to move the relationship forward.

AVOID DECEPTION

Honesty builds trust where deception seeks to erode the good we have or could achieve. Honesty in a relationship should never be seen as an illusion.

Popular media tends to depict relationships that value  trust and faithfulness as unachievable. However, healthy relationships don’t just happen. We must be willing to make healthy choices that will impact the relationship positively.

Since we are a product of past and present associations and exposures that either impact us positively or negatively, we must endevour to completely disconnect from habits that prevent a harmonious connection. In turn, we need to connect with those that add value.

My frustration is it easier to lie and later suffer the frustration of undoing that lie or of continuously hiding that lie. Why should lying even be an option? Why would living a life of deception be attractive when we know the kind of pain it brings?

However, lies appear to work for us in the short term only because sooner or later the truth is bound to come out. A relationship that lacks integrity is characterised by partners who do not make an intentional effort to disconnect from deception even though it predicts unhappiness.

Today’s relationships reveal how much our value system has decayed. There is a need to turn the tide when it comes to how people relate and build relationships.  It is clear that out society  in dire need of an examination on its ethics. Ask a psychologist  and they will tell you that relationships are contingent on honesty and openness.

Relationships must be built and maintained through honest living, faithful trust and committed engagement. When deception is entrenched in one’s values and character, it will in the end define how one perceives others and how they live their life.

In addition, when we succeed in lying to ourselves by breaking our own values,  we launch onto a trajectory defined by lying in order to get your way. Sadly, lies have a way of torturing us and they seem to look more attractive than paying the price of living a life of integrity.

We have to realise that, practising dishonesty has the appearance of success in the beginning and seems to fix our immediate need but will never  permanently alter the situation that caused one to lie in the first place.