I told him the truth, now he doubts me

Hi,

People have benefitted from your advices, which have helped stabilise relationships and marriages. That is why I would like you to help me find a solution to my problem.

I have been in a relationship for five months and my partner and I have been sharing information about our past in order to set a firm foundation since we do not live in the same town.

One of the most important things we shared for the first time was details about our love life. He told me about his dark part and I also told him about mine.

However, I found it difficult to reveal my most recent sexual affair, which occurred two years ago, although I had ended the relationship. But it got to a point where I could not withhold the information any longer.

So, last month, I decided to tell him about it.

To my utter disappointment, my partner became bitter and said he thought we were done with that chapter of our friendship.

He kept asking me if there was anything else about that part of my life that I had not told him, to which I responded that there was no other.

He started mistrusting me and doubted almost everything I told him. This destabilised our relationship and that is the reason I need advice.

1. What can I do to make him trust me again? 2. Could this be a sign of infidelity in marriage in future? 3. How can we handle misunderstandings when they arise? Kindly help.     

AB

Hi,

Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. As a team, we value such feedback. Growing relationships are made by growing people.

This column is there for that — to challenge, provoke, and inspire us to do better in the way we engage in relationships.

Distance relationships, in particular, can be challenging if handled casually. A lot more skill and care must be exercised in the way we engage one another in our desire to keep the relationship current and healthy.

Basic to all relationships is the need for honest and sincere disclosure, during which issues are shared with the aim of knowing each other better and helping bring closure and healing.

It is important to note that many men find it hard to accept that they are dating a woman who has had previous intimate relationships.

In fact, it is said that women are more forgiving for previous affairs than men. However, we should forgive and accept each other because that is what facilitates healing.

The fact that he holds a different view of you is something you have to come to terms with. Do not force yourself on him or allow him to use this to intimidate you. We all make mistakes. No one is faultless.

Relationships in which partners treat each other the way they would like to be treated tend to succeed.

If he does not accept you the way you are and also deal with his inner insecurities concerning your past, you can be sure that he will always have doubts about you. If he allows that to happen, it could become a seed that could breed infidelity and suspicion.

I suggest that the two of you confront this issue with sober minds. Try and find out from him why he finds it hard to believe that it is over between you and your former partner. Assure him about that.

However, as you do this, watch out or you might find yourself being taken on a guilt trip and end up with much more serious challenges. Avoid intimate emotional innuendoes that could compromise your stand.