You may be the boss at work, but at home, you should be a servant

“You are so liberated!” exclaimed a young woman the other day when I clarified that Mrs Gatimi is actually my mother, not me.

“You don’t use your husband’s name? Wow…that is so cool!” She continued.

“Whoa! Slow down miss, why do you think it’s cool for women not to use their husbands’ names?” I enquired.

“Okay…you see…as in…enyewe…it’s cool. You don’t need to lose your name just because,” She explained in that halting manner young people express themselves in nowadays. I got her point.

You see, we have been raised being told that what a man can do, a woman can do better. We hear of go-getter women, we use expressions like “aggressive” to describe a hard-working woman. To survive in a man-eat-man world, a woman must get empowered enough to stand up for herself and not accept to be a door mat. This is something I teach my daughters as well, that they must go out there, use their brains, sit in those boardrooms, and negotiate at the same level as their male counterparts.

That is all perfect and I stand by it, however, the marriage script is a completely different ball of wool.

“I use his name, though not in corporate or media forums, since he is quite media shy,” I replied, though my young friend was not convinced.

“In fact, I consider his name an added gain. I don’t think I lose my identity when I use his, instead, I have an additional identity.”

“Oh,” She said, looking at me keenly, curiously waiting to hear more.

I must have sounded very wise to her, talking about partnerships and team work in marriage as opposed to autonomy.

You see, I have learned, and I am still learning, from the counsel of other people, amazing couples who are sincere and honest in sharing the wisdom drawn from their own journey.

Betty, one of my best friends, once told me;

NOT A WORKMATE

“Girl, your husband is not that workmate who’s vying for the same senior management post you are, get your whip out and be aggressive in the office, but once at home, shed the war armour and become his wife, the woman he would want to cuddle up with on the sofa.”

The same counsel was echoed the other day during a business forum organised by Supamamas, where the guest speaker was a well-known, award-winning CEO and a pioneering entrepreneur.

“For the married ladies here, you must never forget that you are more than a career woman. Yes, I am a CEO, but I am also a wife and a mother.”

She surprised us when she revealed that while in the office, she has her tea served, but once at home, she steps out of her heels and does the serving, as well as all the other wifely duties expected of her. And she loves it!

“And yes, I ask him for money to go to the salon!” She joked.

“Remember, your competitors are out there, not in your home. Your husband is your partner. You both have individual strengths that when combined, will take you farther than you could ever have gone alone,” she added.

Who earns more? Who is a better parent? Who cares? Throw out the misconceptions already!

It is time couples let go of the classroom ranking mentality and realised that marriage is a relay – how far and fast you go is determined by how well you and your teammate work together.