Do you pray that your spouse would drop dead today?

One of the most interesting movies I have ever watched, addressing relationships, is called Ruthless People. In the movie, a rich heiress is kidnapped, but unfortunately for her and her kidnappers, her husband had secretly wanted her dead, and therefore refused to pay the ransom.

The woman was wounded, unable to understand why her supposedly loving husband was negotiating for a lower ransom. She had believed that he valued her enough to want her freed at any cost. It turned out that he had a mistress, and hoped that her kidnappers would kill her and set him free.

Thinking about this storyline, it occurred to me that there might be many marriages where one of the spouse’s is so disenchanted with the relationship, he or she might be contemplating murder, yet the other believes the marriage is just fine.

Today, we will look at how such a situation can come about, the signs to look for, and what you can do about it, should it happen.

*First is infidelity—it breaks people from the inside and can create a kind of bitterness that could slowly morph into murderous intentions.

*Second, discord related to money can create deep-seated anger and bitterness. Financial dishonesty, misuse of money, especially jointly earned, and stealing from a partner are among issues that can create a huge chasm between partners.

*Third, it might happen in a situation where one partner, for whatever reason, does not fulfil his responsibilities, leaving the entire burden or running the home and raising the children to his/her spouse.

These are but a few issues that can lead to such destructive resentment.

However, major as these issues are, they are not the real triggers of adverse reactions such as wanting or wishing your spouse dead. The real culprit, in my view, is the inability to get things off our chests, accumulating pain, anger and bitterness, so that in the end, we feel trapped and helpless.

TELLTALE SIGNS

How do you tell a relationship is heading to such a direction?

*The first is the straightforward route. When your spouse voices his/her dissatisfaction with any aspect the relationship.

I am sure there are many who are dissatisfied with a certain aspect of their relationship, and though they have voiced this to their spouse, he or she has simply taken it lightly or simply ignored the complaint.

*The second follows naturally: When one is consistently ignored, he might disengage from the relationship.

The relationship henceforth becomes mechanical, held together by children and convenience. Some of these relationships appear successful because the offended partner is acting, while the other assumes that everything is okay.

Another important indicator is the occasional slip-up: either a slip of the tongue or uncharacteristic behaviour.

For example, a man, married for 15 years, comes home but his wife is not in. She sends him a text saying, “Having a drink with friends”, and then switches off her phone and comes home after midnight. He knew then that something was not right.

What can be done? If you have been reading this column, you know that my belief is that a relationship cannot be happy unless the two of you are involved in seeking to make it work. In practical terms, and in the context of this discussion, it means being willing to speak out about your concerns, and being a good listener.

Let me put it this way; if you are the type that keeps things locked in all the time, you should not be in a relationship; you will end up angry, bitter and disillusioned.

If you value your marriage, you must make a decisions not to be the person who will drive your spouse to a stage where he or she wishes you would drop dead today.