Does your partner find you irritating?

Some of the most irritating habits are built over time, and are picked from those around us, or influenced by our cultures. Unfortunately your partner might find these habits annoying, though he or she might not tell you. PHOTO | FILE

What you need to know:

  • If you want chilling insight into the thinness and fragility of the civilised veneer that glosses over humanity’s primal drives, don’t read Greek tragedy or visit death row. Just listen to a few nice, normal folks talk about the way their spouses fake a Cockney accent, reuse unwashed underwear, or repeat every joke three times.
  • One reason we irritate our partners is because we do not listen to them when they complain about our behaviour. We assume it is a small matter that doesn’t warrant our attention, or we don’t think they are serious, because to us it is a minor matter anyway.

A young woman, let’s call her Rosemary, ran off with her boyfriend immediately after graduating from university. She had dreams of a great relationship, but after only three months of co-habitation, she walked out of the relationship, not so much heartbroken, but in her words, thoroughly irritated.

That might sound petty, but like Rosemary; there are many who have to endure an irritating partner, one who either knowingly or unknowingly irritates you out of love!

Now, if you think this is a small matter, listen to what Martha Beck, an American sociologist, life coach and author, concluded after researching on couples’ annoying habits.

“If you want to see the red gleam of murder in someone’s eyes, if you want chilling insight into the thinness and fragility of the civilised veneer that glosses over humanity’s primal drives, don’t read Greek tragedy or visit death row. Just listen to a few nice, normal folks talk about the way their spouses fake a Cockney accent, reuse unwashed underwear, or repeat every joke three times.” 

She says two things that I consider important facts relating to our irritating habits.

First, she points out to the fact that in most cases, the emotions relating to such irritations are hidden behind a veneer, a façade of normality.

SOCIAL EXHAUSTION

As a consequence, she alludes to a second fact, that such irritation reaches deep into people’s hearts. How can we deal with this kind of irritation without resorting to walking away?

Listen:  One reason we irritate our partners is because we do not listen to them when they complain about our behaviour. We assume it is a small matter that doesn’t warrant our attention, or we don’t think they are serious, because to us it is a minor matter anyway.

Be observant: It always comes as a surprise to couples when they discover how irritating they are to their partners. For example, you begin a line of conversation and immediately, your partner becomes totally disinterested. You go on and finish the story anyway. This suggests that you are not observant, that you don’t really know your partner well enough to know what their body language is saying.

Talk about it: Some of the most irritating habits are built over time, and are picked from those around us, or influenced by our cultures. Unfortunately your partner might find these habits annoying, though he or she might not tell you.

Martha Beck advises you to protect yourself from what she calls social exhaustion, a situation where one gets totally worn out by a partner’s habits or actions.

This does not mean that you ignore your partner, rather, that you find some quiet time on your own to breath.  The point here, I believe, is that as you address the issues bothering you with your partner, take care not to sink into negativity.

Small annoyances might not top your list of most pressing worries, but if not dealt with, they can begin to gnaw at the very fabric of your relationship. To avoid falling into this trap, learn to listen, observe, and let your feelings be known.