How I coped after my sister’s sudden death

Imagine helplessly watching as your much-loved younger sister suddenly dies in your arms – where would you get the will to live after that?

It has taken 21-year-old Derrick Nyabuto three years to come to terms with his sister’s death, a death that has been a source of great pain for him and his family, but one that they are determined to come to terms with.

It was on a Sunday afternoon in April 2011. On that day, the family’s third born child and only daughter, Gladys Elsie Moraa, was on her way to school for tuition. Her mother, Callen Nyabuto, recalls that day with clarity.

“My daughter was in class eight, and had arrived home three days earlier for the April holiday break. That Sunday morning, she had walked into my bedroom taken one look at it, and told me that it needed tidying up. She then went ahead and cleaned up.”

Gladys, young as she was, she was 13 when she died, had always been neat and orderly, and could not stand clutter.

Callen, her eldest son Derrick, Gladys, and the family’s lastborn son, Neville, left for church and later had lunch together. Callen’s husband was at their rural home in Kisii, while the second born, Felix was away in boarding school. Gladys was due back in school by 4pm, and so after helping her pack and praying together, they walked over to their neighbours’ house.

FINAL RIDE

Their neighbour, who also had a son in the same school as Gladys, had offered to give her a ride, since his son was reporting back on the same day. Grateful for his offer, Callen requested Derrick to accompany Gladys to the school, located off Thika road.

Derrick picks up the story.

“Though I was five years older than Gladys, I enjoyed her company   because she was jovial...also, she would often walk into our untidy ‘boys’ bedroom and tidy it up for us,” he says with a wistful smile.

He adds,

“She also loved to cook, and we always looked forward to her tasty food, especially beef stew. Her return to school was therefore not something I especially looked forward to.”

During the journey, Derrick used the opportunity to encourage her to work hard in school, and ensure she scored over 400 marks in KCPE, just like he and his younger brother, Felix, had done.

“When I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up, without hesitation she said that she wanted to become an accountant,” he remembers.

At that time, the Thika Superhighway was still under construction, and uphill, just before Utalii College, the vehicle that was ahead of them, a trailer, suddenly started moving backwards. Like a scene from a horror movie, Derrick remembers seeing the huge vehicle roll backwards towards them, and a few seconds later, he heard a loud bang as it crushed into them.

When he looked down, his sister, who had been seated beside him in the back seat, lay slumped on his lap, her unmoving head in his hands.

On its backward roll, the trailer’s carrier had toppled over their car, a Toyota Caldina, smashing most of it.

There were five people in the car: Derrick’s neighbour (the driver) and his two sons – the class six pupil who went to school with Gladys, and his elder brother, who was a Form Two student. Then there was Derrick and Gladys - only him and the driver survived the accident. In just a few seconds, three promising young lives had been snuffed out.

Derrick went on to be hospitalised for three weeks due to injuries he got on his back and legs, and which would see him walk with crutches for three months.

Meanwhile, thoughts of his sister’s sudden death overwhelmed him.

“We had been happily chatting just before the accident. I could not believe she was gone forever. The most painful bit was that she died in my arms, and try as I might, I could not stop seeing images of her lifeless body in my arms. It could not be possible that my sister, who had had so much to live for, could be dead. I could not also believe that my neighbours were dead too. I wondered why I had survived, and felt guilty not to have died with them.”

At that time, Derrick was a first year student at Strathmore University studying for a Bachelor of commerce degree. Following his sister’s death, the many unanswered questions he had, coupled with the horrific images of the accident scene replaying constantly in his mind, Derrick’s grades took a severe dip.

BRAVE FRONT

“I found it hard to concentrate on my studies. I could not erase those images from my mind. I missed my sister terribly and wished it was just a bad dream,” he remembers.

While he appeared strong on the outside, the same could not be said of his inside.

“When alone, all I did was cry, asking God why my baby sister had to die. Only my two close friends knew how much I was hurting. I found it difficult to show my parents my pain because Gladys’s death appeared to have hit them really hard.”

He says that his mother cried all the time, and while his dad put on a brave front, he could see that he was extremely devastated, since he had been very close to Gladys.

Strathmore University has a mentorship programme where students get assigned a faculty member to mentor them and assist them with any struggles they may be facing in their personal and academic lives. Derrick took advantage of this.

“My mentor turned out to be very helpful. After I confided in him, he told me that I needed to accept Gladys’s death, accept that it was not my fault and accept that it was God’s will. He told me that I needed to move on with my life. He helped me see the plunge that my studies had taken, and said I needed to be strong and pull myself out of the grief that was eating me away. My mentor became a good friend; one who I always called whenever I became overwhelmed by grief.”

Despite this counsel, Derrick still struggled to concentrate on his studies, and doubted he would ever complete his degree.

TURNING POINT

But then, something happened.

“In my third year, we were required to specialise in a certain field. My options were finance, marketing, accounts, management science and business administration. As I stared at the choices, I remembered the conversation I had with Gladys a few minutes before she died. She had told me she wanted to become an accountant. Accounts was my first choice as well. As I stared at those choices and thought of her, something in me changed at that very moment. It is as though my sister’s spirit came alive in me,” he remembers.

And in that instant, Derrick decided to fight the grief that followed him everywhere he went. His grades started to improve, and he started taking part in the activities he had enjoyed before his sister’s death – he even ran for an elective post as the Finance Director of the Strathmore Business Club, which he won. During his one-year tenure from 2013-2014, the club was even voted the best at the institution. Derrick was also recognised for having prepared the most outstanding financial report amongst all the other clubs’ reports during that year.

And that is why, as he received his graduation certificate on Friday 27 June 2014, he had a broad smile on his face, silently thanking his sister for helping him get his life back together.

His mother is impressed by his resilience.

“I am amazed at Derrick’s strength. Out of all of us in the family, he’s the one who displayed the most strength following Gladys’ sudden death.”

In fact, he was the one that spoke at her funeral on behalf of the family, even reading her eulogy.

“I wondered how he managed to be that strong, considering that he was the one who spent the last moments with Gladys, and that she died in his arms,” she adds.

Derrick’s younger brother, Felix, who is a fourth year actuarial science student at Jomo Kenyatta University of Agriculture and Technology, was then in Form Four. He was also greatly affected by his sister’s death, that at some point, he even refused to return to school.

It took a lot of encouragement and comfort from his parents to go back. He was in a boarding school in Western Province, and to support him, Callen and her husband travelled to visit him in school every weekend for the first two months following Gladys’ death.

“This really helped him, since he could see that we cared about his feelings. Thankfully, he performed well in KCSE, scoring a B+.”

Neville, their youngest, was only four years then, but old enough to miss his sister. He still remembers her, and has fond memories of her.

HOW THEY COPED

Prayer, they say, and talking about their pain helped them overcome their grief. They also encouraged one another to talk about Gladys, and also spent as much time as they could together.

“For a while after her death, my parents ensured that we had dinner together as a family, where we would talk about Gladys and revive her memories. Talking about her was therapeutic,” says Derrick.

Callen also gives credit to the support they received from family, friends and colleagues.

“I learnt that it is important to invest in these three groups, because they are the ones who will help you stand when you are unable to.”

The mourning also has to come to an end.

“While you cannot ignore the effects of such a tragedy, or erase the beloved one’s memory, it does not mean that your life should come to a standstill - find a way to deal with the grief. For me, talking to my friends and my mentor helped me a great deal, otherwise I would still be in a bad place,” he says.

Whenever the memories of that day come flooding back, because they do once in a while, he talks to his brother, who helps him feel better.

The most important thing, they say, is to reach out to each other as a family and support one another. The worst mistake you can make when grieving, they say, is shut each other out - there is nothing as emotionally draining as grieving alone, so share your pain.

MOVING ON, ONE STEP AT A TIME

It is important to allow the grieving process to take its course, and seek professional help if need be.

Understand that remembrance is healing, and talking about wonderful times shared with the deceased is part of the healing process.

Taking down your loved one’s photographs from the wall, or removing any other memorabilia to avoid provoking sadness and grief will not help. Instead of trying to forget them, remember them. 

-Tasreen Keshavjee, psychotherapist