How culture affects our relationships

Structural conflict: This is built into our social structure and results from differences that are created because our various cultures place us in different categories such as gender, tribe, race, and class.

At the societal level, structural conflict leads to real conflict by creating mistrust among the different categories of people, leading to problems such as ethnic/racial violence. Unfortunately, sometimes we import this conflict into our relationships. This week, we will look at some of the key areas this conflict happens and how we can deal with it.

INBUILT CONFLICT

In theoretical terms, there is conflict in any system. Think of a car engine as a system. It does not need an external agent to go haywire; sometimes it just acts up.

Likewise, in our relationships, the potential for conflict based on how we are socially and culturally wired is always there. Every small difference between us is a potential source of conflict. It is how we choose to deal with it at the personal level that makes a whole world of a difference.

GENDER DIFFERENCES
One of my favourite discourses is the role of culture in relationships, particularly in regard to gender differences. In the most accepted modern folklore, it is believed that culture favours men over women by giving men a position of authority. This has spawned all sorts of stereotypes and ideas on how each gender should deal with the other, some embracing tradition, others advocating the modern ways.

The real trouble, however, is when couples start treating each other on the basis of culture or importing into the relationship the same stereotypes that society pushes on us.

For example, you might hear someone saying that all men are the same, insinuating that they all cheat even though their partners have not been caught in any act of indiscretion. Likewise, men regularly describe women as unhelpful or inconsequential while in fact, in some cases, men rely on their women.

ETHNIC/RACIAL DIFFERENCES

In our society, when you marry a person from another community, it is common for other people to identify him/her on the basis of that community. “He married a Kikuyu.” Or “He married a Luo woman.”

We should not be concerned when people refer to us and our spouses in those terms, but we should be concerned if we view our spouses in terms of their tribe.

The question is, whom did you marry? A Shadrack, an Agnes, a Luhya man, or a white woman?

ECONOMIC DIFFERENCES

A young man I know was offended when his girlfriend used a local term for rich people in reference to his family background. She comes from a really humble background while the young man comes from a well-off family.

This man felt that his girlfriend was not relating to him as a person. As it turned out, she was afraid that his family and their circles would reject her or assume that she was just after his money. The man assured her that his choice was personal, one based on love.

WAY FORWARD

The point of all this is not by any measure a call to ignore culture, because that will be counterproductive. Rather, it is a challenge in two directions.

First, we all need to realise that culture is dynamic, allowing for continuous change. Second, and this is very important, to recognise that modern relationships are run on shared “‘amorphous” entity called society.

The writer is a counsellor. Do you have a question? Write to [email protected]