I will turn 50 in a few days’ time: I am a lucky woman

This Sunday, August 2 to be precise, I will turn 50. PHOTO| FILE

What you need to know:

  • To a huge extent, this mindset has everything to do with the fact that, contrary to layman expectations, I have lived with the HI virus longer than expected.

  • Besides, because these people do not see my struggles, they think I’m always hale and hearty. 

This Sunday, August 2 to be precise, I will turn 50.

Fifty. Half a century. That’s a milestone, not just for a HIV-positive person, but for any human being. Taking into account that Kenya’s life expectancy for women is about 61 years, I have been lucky. But then again, I’ve never been one to do things by the book; but by The Book.

Why am I saying this? In 1987, I was told I had six months to live. Period. I was slapped with this death sentence exactly on my twenty-second birthday. Do the math. I have lived with this virus for 28 years. That’s more than half my life.

Going against all odds

I don’t take it for granted that I have lived this long with HIV. Last time I checked, I learnt that about 39 million people have died of AIDS-related complications. These are not just numbers. They are people. Loved by someone.

They are irreplaceable. They could have given anything to be alive. 

I know I’m favoured. I could be dead by now. As someone once said, “I’m still here, despite the odds”.

Everyone who has HIV must go against all odds. I have seen some who are on their last breath. Still, though their bodies have gone and lost all the fight, you can see it in their eyes that there’s still some fire in there.

These are some of the people who motivate me to go against the odds. To be here today, and to see these life-enhancing changes for people like me, I can only say I am blessed.

If, 28 years ago, a prophet would’ve told me I would beat these many odds, I don’t know if I would have gone mad or made merry.  

I don’t blame those who think that I am not HIV-positive. They think I got in these trenches for the benefits.

To a huge extent, this mindset has everything to do with the fact that, contrary to layman expectations, I have lived with the HI virus longer than expected.

Besides, because these people do not see my struggles, they think I’m always hale and hearty. 

There are days that I can go without HIV being in my mind. I love that blissful ignorance. It happens even when my children dispense me my daily dose of antiretrovirals.

Then there are “those” days. They hit as if they are on a revenge mission. Like they are trying to remind of the harsh HIV realities I had forgotten about.

I had one such reminder not long ago when I was put on a new antiretroviral regimen. I was sure I would go nuts. And that’s putting it lightly.

I KNOW I AM FAVOURED

I wish people who think I’m HIV-negative would see just half the struggle I have had for the past 28 years. Some are physical, and can be perceived even by folk who have never stepped inside a medical school.

I am talking about the side-effects of the antiretroviral drugs I use, like the accumulation of fat on my back. In medical terms, it’s known as lipodystrophy.

Then there are incessant inner struggles which keep ebbing and flowing with tide, time and hormonal imbalance. Among the tons of things I’ve learnt is that when I’m dealing with weighty emotional issues, once I die inside; it will only be a matter of minutes before I flatline. The trick lies in keeping hope alive, despite, for instance, one’s deathly-low CD4 count.

If people could sneak a peek inside me, and see my balancing act, they would feel me. For the Doubting Thomases who think I’ve been tripping these past 28 years, I have this to say: “Lord, I wish y’all knew”.

You can do this

I want to tell someone who has HIV or a terminal illness that they can do this. It’s tough, but it’s doable. Until I was thrown in the furnace, I did not know that I had this courage in me.

I was not prepared for this life and death challenge. I’m not Superwoman. If I can do it, you can do it.

Don’t try to change the unchangeable. I tried changing my HIV status until I realised that I was fighting a losing battle. Accepting my HIV-positive status is the fundamental decision that got me started, and going, on this 28-year-long journey.

Century, here I come.