ASUNTA'S DIARY: I am giving my deceased marriage a dignified send-off

“Shut the heck up already.” “Give your marriage another chance.” This is some of the advice I have received from people concerning my divorce.

People are entitled to their opinion, but the one being I desperately want to hear from is God.

I have said a million times: I am not a perfect Christian. Still, I have no other source of reference in my life but God’s Word. As I was waiting upon God to say something over my situation – and although the Bible is clear about it, my heart still refused to

accept the truth that “God hates divorce”. 

I have been forced to make tough decisions in my life, but divorce is the toughest one I have made yet. I don’t want to go through this hell ever again. 

WHEN A BABY DIES 

“What does God have to say over this?” I kept asking myself. I got part of the answer from one of King David’s life challenges. 

During one of his weak moments, David committed adultery with one of his general’s wife. A child was conceived out of this affair. As God’s punishment, the child fell sick. David, a mighty worshipper, warrior and king, found himself in a helpless situation. As the baby’s condition deteriorated, he refused to eat or drink, crying over his dying baby. He beseeched God to heal the child, but the fate of the child was sealed. 

After the baby’s death, David’s inner circle did not know how to break this sad news to him. They assumed that if the baby’s sickness almost killed him, his death would bury him. But a strange transformation happened.

When David learnt about the baby’s death, he brought his pity party to a halt. He bathed, oiled himself and moved to the next thing in his life. His speedy acceptance and turnaround surprised his inner circle.

In my case, my marriage, which was my dear baby, died. In fact, it died long time ago. I was just flogging a dead horse. For a long time, I beseeched God to heal my sick baby. I did everything a woman could do.

I sacrificed. I hoped. I fasted. I sought the advice of marriage counsellors and relationship experts. We even sought the services of a rehabilitation centre, yet my baby still died

To my recollection, the only time I beseeched God like I did then, was when I tested HIV-positive. But God’s decision over my baby was final. When I realised that there was nothing else I could do, I decided to love me.

I took long warm baths, anointed myself with pricey lotions, ate and drank whatever my heart desired and moved on to the next chapter.

COMING TO GRIPS WITH DEATH

Long before there were interventions to prolong the lives of HIV-positive people, death was one treatable opportunistic infection away. I had clients, some who I nursed and grew close to, breathe their last as I watched.

You would imagine that after witnessing countless deaths, I am used to death, whether it be physical or psychological. Nothing could be further from the truth. I’m still mourning, on and off, some loved ones who died decades ago.

I reckon it will take me years, perhaps even my whole life, to come to grips with my marriage’s demise. Signing the divorce papers takes, tops, five seconds. And then the long tortuous journey of healing begins. This was not a fling. I invested my heart,

hopes and last CD4 count in this relationship.

LIFE AFTER DEATH

When joining two people in matrimony, the presiding pastor usually declares, “What God has joined together, let no man put asunder until death do them part”.

I flipped the script. Perhaps it is not physical death. Even death of marriage may be a reason to part ways. Well, that’s just me.

Tens of years ago, the HIV-positive were stigmatised: right from seropositive to death. The dead were wrapped in nylon paper and interred in fenced-off graves. It was a relief when HIV service organisations gave the bed-ridden back their self-esteem.

I want to believe that I’m giving my deceased marriage a dignified send-off through a divorce.

I believe in life after death. I got another shot at life when I was told I was as good as dead, after testing HIV-positive. And I believe there will be life after my marriage’s death. Positive is my middle name.