I have forgiven the mother who abandoned me 22 years ago

They say that the word mother is a verb, not a noun, but for Susan Njue, 23, it was simply a synonym of sorrow while growing up.

Her mother, Lydia Wawira, 45, left her matrimonial home in 1993, due to irreconcilable differences with her father.

Susan was hardly a year old when her mother left, and it was just she and her father, John Njue, 51, until he remarried when she turned four.

“It was difficult to raise such a young child on my own, but she was mine, and I loved her, therefore I was determined to do it right,” says Njue.

Susan says her father did a great job of raising her.

“He took great care of me, and he often reminded me that he loved me. The photo I hold most dear is of him feeding me milk from a bottle,” Susan says, a wistful smile on her face.

During the interview, she extolled the virtues of her father, saying that the only reason she shared her story was so that everyone would know just how much she values this man, who has been her father and mother all her life.

“I want the world to know that I adore my daddy, that he is my favourite person, my confidant, my best friend, my world,” she says.

Even though her stepmother helped to raise her, it was under the watchful eye of her father. He was so involved in her upbringing, he is the one who gave her “the Talk” when teenage came knocking.

“Dad would talk to me about issues many men with teenage daughters would shy away from, for instance the changes that take place as a girl transitions into womanhood,” remembers Susan.

Still, even with a mother figure, and a father who loved her unreservedly, Susan still craved for her mother’s love, and wondered what it would have been like to have been loved by her. She remembers harbouring feelings of bitterness and anger that she had left her behind.

“I was bitter and hateful towards her because she never even tried to reach out to me. I had uncles and aunts living in our hometown, in Embu, where she also lived, and she could easily have traced me if she had wanted to, but she never even tried. I wished that she had tried, and my dad said no, but she didn’t, so I felt like she never loved me.”

REACH OUT

When she was old enough, she sought information about what had led to separation between her parents, but her father would not divulge any details, instead insisting that all he wanted was for her to have a relationship with her mother.

“I was not on speaking terms with Susan’s mother, and even though there was a valid reason for our separation, the last thing I wanted was to poison my daughter against her mother,” he explains.

In fact, Njue encouraged Susan to reach out to her mother and meet her, convinced that this would resolve the negative feelings she felt for her. 

“I wanted her to get to know her mother, and if she really wanted to find out why we separated, her mother would tell her if she wanted to.”

Says Susan,

“I remember him telling me several times that even though he was my father and mother, I still needed to meet my mother when I came of age. Not a single day did I hear him say anything negative about her.”

When Susan turned 18, and after completing high school in 2010, her father insisted that she had to meet her, and even gave her bus fare to travel from Isiolo, where they live, to Embu. But try as she might, she was unable to muster the courage to face her mother.

“I travelled to Embu, but I did not have the strength to meet her. I put up in an aunt’s house, hoping that she would reach out to me instead. I figured that since word goes round fast in a tiny village, she would soon be told I was around, and she would reach out to me. I stayed for three weeks, waiting to hear from her, but she did not come, so I went back home, disappointed.”

Back home, her father informed her that no matter how long it took, it was important that Susan meet her mother.

“I had tried to provide everything I could for her, and I loved her dearly, but I knew there were some things, like a mother’s love, that I could never compensate for. That is why I wanted them to meet,” Njue explains.

It took a funeral in March this year to give Susan the final push she needed to take the necessary steps to meet her mother. That funeral reminded her just how short life was.

“After the funeral, which was in Meru, I thought to myself: Why not meet her before it is too late? So I spoke to an uncle who lives in Embu and asked him to arrange a meeting with her. He was more than happy to do so.”

THE MOTHER SHE NEVER HAD

Last month, on the 22nd, mother and daughter finally met.

“I was scared of meeting her, and wondered what she would look like. Would I look like her? Would we have the same complexion? Would she be happy to see me?”

When she got to her uncle’s house, she found her mother there.

“I hardly recognised her. I had desperately wanted her to look exactly like me, but I don’t think she did. I was dumbfounded, and could not say anything for a few seconds. I had been thinking about her all my life, and here she was, in flesh and blood, right in front of me. It was all so surreal.”

Sensing her discomfort, her aunts and uncles, who had come to witness the occasion, encouraged her to say something.

“This is the mother you have been asking about all your life, aren’t you going to say something?” one of them asked.

At that moment, all she managed to feel was resentment towards her for abandoning her all those years ago, never bothering to even inquire about her.

UNEXPECTED REACTION 

“I had replayed this scene in my mind several times, and in it, I was rude to her and bragged about how great my life had turned out without her. At that moment though, everything in me refused to go in that direction. I could see that she had not had an easy life.”

All this time, her mother had been quiet, looking at the daughter she last saw two decades ago.

“Did you hate me so much that you had to leave me?” was the first question Susan asked her mother when she was finally able to speak.

“I did not hate you. How could I hate you when I named you ‘Wanjiru” after my own mother?” her mother responded calmly.

“My relationship with your father did not work out, and I really wanted to take you with me, but I could not have, even though I wanted to. I knew your dad loved you, and would do the best for you,” she added.

“After you left me, did you even think about me? Why did you not look for me?” Susan insisted.

“I did not try to reach you or look for you because even if I had, I would not have been able to provide for you or give you the care you deserved – I also had a new family…but I prayed for you every day,” her mother replied.

If there was one thing that Susan had promised herself all her life, it was that she would never let the woman who had given birth to her and then abandoned her for whatever reason, to see her tears, but that statement from her mother made her cry her heart out.

“My mother started crying as well, then she took me into her arms in a vice like grip. It was as if she did not want to let me go,” Susan remembers, tears glistening in her eyes at the memory.

Mother and daughter then sat down and caught up on each other’s lives.

Her mother had had a difficult life. She remarried after leaving her father and had a daughter from that union.

“I knew your father loved you and would look after you better than I could – that was the only reason I was able to leave you,” her mother explained.

Susan quietly accepted her mother’s explanation and chose the high road of forgiveness.

“I forgave her, but more for myself than for her. Someone once told me that forgiveness often opens unexpected doors. I had been carrying bitterness, hate and anger for 22 years, and it was time to let go.”

She adds,

“My dad had always encouraged me to forgive my mum long before I even met her. If it were not for his constant pushing, I would not have had the courage to meet my mum. I love him even more for that.”

When Susan called her father to tell him that she had finally met her mother, he was happy for her.

Says Njue,

“It is what I had always wanted for her, so I was very happy that they had finally met. I urged her to spend more time with her, and it is my hope that they will form a close relationship.”

Susan says that when her mother learnt that she was yet to get a job, she asked her to give her a copy of her diploma, so that she could help her look for a job.

This is what she said,

“I have never done anything for you, so please give me your papers...I will talk to whoever I have to talk to and find you a job if it is the last thing I do,” her mother said.

“She then gave me 500 shillings, even though I could see she needed it much more than I did. I told her to keep the money, but she insisted on giving it to me. It was a very touching.”

Mother and daughter exchanged telephone numbers, with a promise that they would keep in touch.

Susan is looking forward to getting to know her mother better.

“I hope she will walk me down the aisle beside my father when that day comes. One day, I want to be able to tell her I love her and mean it.”