Mum, I wish you would leave me alone!

It happened overnight, and when it did, she agonised over it for weeks, wondering what she might have done to upset the stranger that now stood before her.

Joyce Onyango had always been close to her daughter, her second born. Unlike her son’s birth, which reduced her into an anxious, hysterical and unsure human being, her daughter’s birth brought out the best in her - she was a mother second time round, and knew what to expect, so colic, constipation, and a dozen other ‘complications’ that unsettle many first-time mothers did not faze her at all.

The attachment between mother and daughter was instant; whenever Joyce walked out of the room, her daughter would begin to wail at the top of her voice in panic and misery.

When the small girl began to walk, she would follow her mother everywhere she went, and would not allow anyone else to hold her as long as Joyce was around.

By the time her daughter celebrated her tenth birthday, the relationship between mother and daughter was rock solid, and it seemed nothing could come between them. Until teenage came knocking, that is. 

INTRUDER ALERT

One day, just like that, the rosy relationship between the two vanished, to be replaced by a strained and unsure one.

Suddenly, Joyce’s daughter hated everything she had enjoyed before, especially her mother’s company. The sunny carefree girl who laughed easily became withdrawn and sulky.

“When I asked her a question, she would grudgingly answer in monosyllables, and more than twice, I caught her smirk and roll her eyes when I said something she must have found disagreeable, for reasons only known to her.”

Several times, deeply frustrated by this alien behaviour, Joyce asked her daughter whether there was something bothering her, only for her to bark, “No!” in pronounced irritation. An irritation that loudly said her mother should stop bothering her.

Worried, Joyce confided in an older friend, who, after listening patiently, asked her how old her daughter was.

“Fourteen,” she answered, wondering what her daughter’s age had to do with the issue at hand.

“Adolescence is what is bothering her,” her friend announced.

Joyce was perplexed, because her son had not behaved that way at that age. For him, teenage came and went so smoothly, no one noticed. In fact, ever since she could remember, her son, now in his mid-20s, was agreeable most of the time. Why then was her daughter, even if adolescence was to blame, treating her like you would a washed out dress that had lost its appeal?

“My daughter had enjoyed spending time with me, and confided in me about everything going on in her life. I had been her best friend.”

Still perturbed despite her friend’s reassurance that this monster called adolescence would go away in a year or two, she set out on a mission to find out whether relatives, friends and colleagues with teenage daughters were going through the same thing she was. They were, in fact, some were sailing in a more unsteady ship.

A colleague with two teenage daughters, 13 and 16, confessed that her children treated her like an intruder. They spent every waking moment huddled together, whispering, and would immediately go silent whenever she walked into the room.

It was as if what they had been discussing was classified, and would therefore spell doom for the country should an enemy, in this case their mother, overhear.

REPLACED BY LAPTOP

“Before, they would talk to me about anything, and seemed to genuinely enjoy my company, now, they behave in a cagey manner, as if they have something to hide, and I have to pry information from them – I no longer know my children,” she concluded, looking defeated.

But what distressed this mother even more is the fact that her daughters’ relationship with their father seemed not to have changed, if anything, it had become closer.

When he was around, they were their old vivacious selves, and actually talked to him, but when he was not around, they would retreat to their rooms or pretend their mother was not there.

When her girls were younger, this mother made a point of taking leave from work during the school holidays to spend time with them, but nowadays, it is a wasted effort. They prefer to stay locked up in their bedrooms or watch what their mother calls “nonsensical” series the whole day.

One of Joyce’s relatives admitted that her 16-year-old daughter had replaced her with a laptop, which she was glued to from morning to evening, ears plugged with earphones to discourage conversation.

Interestingly, when her friends come over, she brightens up instantly and becomes an expressive chatter box, only for her to clam up and assume a gloomy countenance immediately they leave.

“It bothered me initially, but when a counsellor friend told me that it was normal for teens to behave this way, I stopped taking it personally, though it was a difficult thing to do,” she told Joyce.

There were also testimonies of slamming doors, senseless angry outbursts, tantrums and pouting, comically similar to a two-year old’s, and stony, lengthy silences.

One of Joyce’s close friends talked of crippling laziness and selfishness – her 13-year-old daughter just did not bother to keep her environment clean or tidy anymore.

When it was her turn to do the dishes, she would take hours, and when she had a meal, she would leave cups and plates laying around, and would sulk when asked to clean and pick after herself.

Suddenly, her room and clothes, which she had happily shared with her younger sister, were out of bounds – the unsaid, but obvious statement was, “touch them if you dare!” Just where did this selfish, insensitive person come from?

WIDENING UNIVERSE

While mothers like Joyce Onyango might be pained by this pronounced “strange” change over their teenage daughters, psychiatrist Frank Njenga says that there is nothing to be worried about.

“All that is natural, and common,” he sums up.

While he acknowledges that it is true that the relationship between mothers and their daughters changes fundamentally during adolescence, this change is normal.

“At pre-adolescence, a child’s world is centred on his parents, but once he enters adolescence, his universe expands, and even though it still includes his parents, there are those who influence him more – his peers.”

This explains why your daughter, who once hang onto every word you said and accepted it as the gospel truth, no longer listens to you with undivided attention, leave alone seeks advice from you.

Her peers influence the way she dresses, even the way she speaks, what she reads, and what she watches, hence the stranger boarding and eating in your house.

But why is it that often, it is mothers who bear the brunt of adolescence much more than the fathers?

“In most cases, the person closest to the child is the mother – she is the nurturer, and therefore more present in their child’s life physically and emotionally. When a small change occurs in their lives therefore, the person most affected by this change is the mother,” explains Dr Njenga.

There is also an explanation for why fathers are suddenly elevated in status, in their teenage daughters’ eyes, while their mothers are shoved several ranks lower.

“Before teenage came along, there was only one woman in the home, now there are two - there is a sense of competition, though subtle, between two women for one man – however, this is not sexual at all,” explains the psychiatrist.

He points out that this a transitional phase, and for most families, it does not metamorphosis to a problem.

“I must however point out that there is no such thing as uniform behaviour during teenage – some do not seem to be affected in any way, and they and their parents barely notice this stage,” he says.

There, you have it. If your teenage daughter is approaching adolescence, there is a chance that she will remain the same happy-go-lucky girl who does not mind accompanying you to your tea-drinking chama meetings.

If she does change however, to become this irritable alien you have to tip toe around, and who seems to take offense when you look in her direction, take comfort in the fact that this phase shall pass.

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MODEL BEAHVIOUR

What behaviour is acceptable and what is not?

Sheila Wachira, a counsellor, asserts that a strained relationship between a mother and her pre-adolescent or adolescent daughter is not only expected, but also very common.

“When the mother notices the changes in her daughter: like mood swings and irritability,  the common reaction is to try to impose her own experience on the child by dictating what not to do and what to do, forgetting that at this stage, they listen to their peers more than their parents,” she says.

This method, she adds, often backfires, with the daughter often concluding that her mother does not understand her because she does not listen to her.

Most mothers often involve third parties, such as female relatives and close friends in the search for a solution. She advises against this.

“When you bring in someone else, you lose your bargaining power as a parent, as well as the trust that you may have built over time. Your daughter or son may never confide in you again.”

She advises parents to approach their teenagers with sobriety at all costs.

“You are human too - you might get upset and angry due to something your child has done. If you do, take time to cool off first before facing your child. Listen to what he or she has to say before speaking your mind. Remember your intention is to build trust with your child, so avoid stern lectures and instead keep talking,” says the counsellor.

Though this is a passing phase, there is behaviour that is unacceptable. This includes taking drugs and alcohol, promiscuity, and rudeness.

“If you observe or suspect such traits, then you need to take stern action because these are maladaptive behaviour that should not be condoned. At this point, counselling for the child is necessary. However, you should not force them to go for counselling, but instead convince them that they need help first.”

- Faith Oneya