Passive-aggressive behaviour: It can be unlearned

You are putting in all the effort it takes to make your relationship work, however, your partner does not seem interested in nurturing it.

To begin with, he keeps his distance and denies you what he knows you really need. Often, he withdraws affection at the precise moment you need it most.

Many things could be going on here, but this describes a behaviour type known as passive-aggressive behaviour. Let us understand what it is, how it affects us and our relationships and how to address it.

Cathy Meyer, a divorce support specialist, describes passive aggressive behaviour as “Learned behaviour that keeps a person from expressing anger in a healthy manner. The passive aggressive person is an angry, spiteful person who outwardly appears friendly, kind and caring.”

Worth noting here is that this is a learned behaviour where anger is not actively expressed, instead, one wears an “I am okay” façade, while seething inside.

This means that the psychological core of the passive-aggressive people is resident anger and the fear of this anger being exposed.

Consequently, they resist emotional connection to shield themselves from any confrontation, making them almost impossible to have a happy relationship with.

Origin

Research indicates that this behaviour emanates from growing up in an environment where a healthy expression of anger is either unsafe or actively discouraged. This might be the case in dysfunctional homes, where one has excessively controlling parents, or even cultures where expression of anger is not allowed.

Characteristics

There are many characteristics of the passive aggressive person, but two  stand out. The first one is withholding something from a partner without outwardly showing that you are angry or unhappy. This is unlike the usual behaviour where one is clearly unhappy about an issue, and withholds something as a form of bargain.

Secondly, passive aggression is expressed by deliberately frustrating a partner, again with very little emotion on the outside. Other indicators identified in the website, coachingpositiveperformance.com, include silent treatment, resenting the demands of others and disguising criticism with compliments.

Dealing with passive-aggression

For the passive-aggressive person who wishes to address this challenge, the starting point is to acknowledge this behaviour and how it affects you and your relationships.

Secondly, reflect on your behaviour, probably with the help of an expert, to identify the possible root of the problem and begin the process of uprooting it.

This process will help to reveal the emotional needs that need to be satisfied so that you feel safe to express your anger in more healthy ways. 

Third, learn the skills you need to express your anger and disappointment without alienating your partner.

Finally, commit to change and discuss this with your partner, who will hopefully help you in this healing process.

If your partner is like this, you need to understand the condition by finding out as much as you can about it.

Bear in mind that passive-aggressive people are insecure, and crave for affirmation and acceptance.

Identify areas where you can appreciate them as well as affirm your love for them.

This will create a safe environment to take a third step, which is drawing attention to the specific behaviour that you think is unacceptable.

This is an important step because passive-aggressive people thrive on being ignored, thus allowing them to continue with their behaviour.

I conclude by saying that since this is a learned behaviour, passive-aggression can be unlearned, and you and your partner can go on to have a happy and satisfying relationship.