Dealing with change when it invades your relationship

Consider this scenario. Millicent and Jackson have been married for 11 years; have two well-loved children with a third on the way.

Both are committed Christians, but a recent change in Millicent has been troubling Jackson.

She has become a reluctant participant in church-related activities, including church attendance and prayers. She is also no longer interested in praying with rest of the family.

When he realised that she spends a lot of time on the internet researching on religion, he decided to ask her about it. She dropped a bombshell: she had decided to become an atheist.

This is only one example of ways in which people change, creating challenges in their relationships. Other changes could be in regard to having children, relocating, especially abroad, and even changing sexual orientation. How should a partner respond to such radical changes, especially when one is already in an established relationship? Here is what I think.

It happens

Change in people and in relationships is inevitable. The changes might be small and not very disruptive, or big ones that radically change the person, and therefore the relationship. Although you are not expected to keep your partner under a microscope to spot any changes that might be taking place; it helps to be observant and to have the proper attitude to handle change.

Don’t be hasty

Some of the changes might disrupt the relationship if there are certain things that a partner can no longer do, or others that he/she is doing that the other dislikes or finds disgusting. Whatever the case, taking time to calm down and understand the situation will help you to think clearly. Do not make hasty decisions because you are likely to regret making them.

The small

In some cases, it might be possible to deal with some of the small changes. For example, your partner may decide to change from one denomination to another. Being aware and together understanding what motivated the change, and how you can accommodate it might save your relationship.

The big

The big changes require a lot more reflection because they might be very disruptive and also in contradiction of values that one holds dear.

I once read a story about a woman who hired an investigator to follow her husband when he became uninterested in getting intimate with her.

She expected to catch him with a mpango wa kando (mistress), but what floored her, literally, because she actually fainted, was finding out that her husband was having an affair with another man. When she came to, she went home, took her children and left him.

Some of the questions one should ask include:  Is the change something you can live with?

How disruptive will it be to your life and the relationship? Is your partner open to negotiation on the matter? What options are available in the circumstances? 

Couples should be willing to explore all these issues, weighing each against the value of their relationship. This is also a good opportunity to seek help from other sources, such as professional counsellors, to look at issues from different angles.

In some cases, it might be possible to agree to disagree on certain issues and draw boundaries that will govern the relationship henceforth. The attitude should be that change is not necessarily negative as one may discover over time. In some other cases, however, the changes might undermine the foundation of the relationship, making it untenable, and hard choices have to be made.

Conclusion

Change is an inevitable part of our lives. It will happen, sometimes in ways that change our life’s outlook considerably. But like John F. Kennedy once said, “Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.”

In other words, don’t let change destroy your future.