Learn the three magic words: I am sorry

First, if you are the one in the wrong, step out and seek a resolution. In the Bible, Jesus taught that if you have wronged someone and he/she plans to take you to court, call a truce, otherwise the court will sentence you and you will have to pay the whole price. PHOTO | FILE

What you need to know:

  • For any progress to be made in every relationship, someone has to take lead. The same applies in the resolution of conflicts, even when both of you are not talking to each other. The question is, who should take the driver’s seat?
  • The enduring challenge of humanity has not been to eliminate conflict, but to ensure that what we are fighting about does not totally destroy us. That fact, if I might briefly digress, is what led to the formation of the United Nations and the signing of the Treaty on the Non-Proliferation of Nuclear Weapons, among other measures taken after World War II.
  • The answer lies in the understanding that conflict is a normal part of relationships, in fact, of all human existence.

A very interesting debate has been going on about whether it is acceptable for women to initiate relationships, all the way to proposing marriage.

That debate is still raging. It underscores what I want to discuss today  that for any progress to be made in every relationship, someone has to take lead. The same applies in the resolution of conflicts, even when both of you are not talking to each other. The question is, who should take the driver’s seat?

Resolution starts somewhere

I have two conflict situations in mind. The first one is where an issue has been nagging you for a long time, even though other areas of your relationship appear to be moving smoothly.

For example, it could be that the only thing you disagree on is how to offer support to your parents.

A second situation is where you have several long-running conflicts to resolve, but since neither of you has taken the initiative to resolve them, you seem to be in perpetual conflict mode.

As a consequence, the relationship deteriorates because each day takes away something from the relationship, something that will take a long time to re-build.

We hear this question asked often, “How could he/she do this after all these years together?” The likely reason is that there was unresolved conflict that progressively rolled back the gains you had made in the relationship over the years.

Who calls the truce?

First, if you are the one in the wrong, step out and seek a resolution.

In the Bible, Jesus taught that if you have wronged someone and he/she plans to take you to court, call a truce, otherwise the court will sentence you and you will have to pay the whole price.

From this wisdom, we can infer that the person who clearly knows that he is in the wrong should make amends first, followed by the wronged party.

This is very important because when it is clear who is in the wrong, the offended party has a higher moral ground  this is the person who is in the best position to reach out to the one who is down.

These two scenarios suggest a clear-cut case, where the offending party acknowledges culpability. However, this is hardly the situation in many circumstances.

In fact, many conflicts persist to intractability because you simply cannot agree who is in the wrong. Who then calls the truce in such situations?

The answer lies in the understanding that conflict is a normal part of relationships, in fact, of all human existence.

The enduring challenge of humanity has not been to eliminate conflict, but to ensure that what we are fighting about does not totally destroy us. That fact, if I might briefly digress, is what led to the formation of the United Nations and the signing of the Treaty on the Non-Proliferation of Nuclear Weapons, among other measures taken after World War II.

The idea was to set up a mechanism of dealing with our conflicts so that rather than destroying us, they make us stronger and ensure that we survive to hand over to the next generation.

What this means for your relationship is that if you value it and realise that continuous conflict might damage it irreparably, you will step out and seek a resolution.

My standard advice, especially for young couples just starting out, is to use the peaceful times to discuss whatever is ailing them. For example, a couple might decide that if conflict remains unresolved for a certain period, then a mutually selected person is contacted to begin the resolution process.

When going through a rough patch, humbling yourself and taking the first step of admitting that you are wrong is the best thing you can do for your relationship.