Should your spouse know all your friends?

We meet new people every day. We never see some again, some become acquaintances, while others go on to become friends for the rest of our lives.

My question today is; should your partner know all your friends, or in this case, know about all the new friends you make? If so, at what point and in what manner should they know about them?

Consciously or unconsciously, we select friends based on their own needs.

These needs are like missing pieces in a jigsaw puzzle, and as people pass through our lives in their hundreds, perhaps thousands, the few who fit in fall into place.

For example, there comes a time (pun not intended) when we thirst for a different experience, and if we meet someone who seems to have an answer to the questions we have, that person can easily become a friend.

This has a flipside though, because we have partners with whom we share our lives.

They might of course be just as accepting of our new friends, but they might have reservations.

Introducing them to our new friendships might therefore either cause conflict (if we keep the new friend) or lose us a great friendship opportunity (if we let go). How then should we handle new friendships and safeguard our relationships at the same time?

New friendships have an impact on our relationships because they bring in something new.

For example, a new friend might introduce you or your partner to a hobby such as golf, which might come with demands for time and money. In my view, this is the principal reason our partners should know about our new friendships before we progress too far with them.

Best friends

Secondly, our partners should be our best friends, the people we should trust to screen our new friends.

When we meet a new friend, we might think that we have them figured out, but that is just that—a feeling. The reality is that we don’t know who this new person is, and the process of knowing them will benefit from the input of someone else.

This is especially true when we meet a person who seems to have what we are yearning for, or something that really strikes us.

In such a scenario, we are vulnerable, and our partner, that person who knows us best and has our best interest at heart, is better placed to see what we might not see in the new friend.

Third, friendships that have the greatest impact on us are those that do not cause conflict between us and our partners.

This means that a friendship that is not acceptable to our partner might not be of much value to us because it creates conflict between us.

In some cases, our partners might be wrong about their assessment, or might not have good reasons for their objections.

When this happens, it is important to be patient and not expect them to immediately and unconditionally accept every new friend we make.

This discussion has so far addressed the person bringing in a new friend, but the other partner also has a role to play.

In my view, the rule should be that one should not use their standards as the basis of judging his or her partner’s friends.

Instead, one should make an objective assessment, giving an honest opinion without passing judgment.

Appreciate that your partner has reasons for choosing that friend, and even if you have strong reservations against the friendship, your partner still retains the final word.

Over time, there should be a convergence of standards, so that each partner will naturally know the kind of friends that can benefit the relationship.

Do you have a relationship question? Email the writer on skirunga@yahoo