Testing your partner could cost you your relationship

In my view, it is better to address the issues underlying your need to test your partner’s commitment to you, than laying a trap. PHOTO| FILE| NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • In my view, it is better to address the issues underlying your need to test your partner’s commitment to you, than laying a trap.

  • Have an open discussion about any lingering doubts or any signs of waning commitment to the relationship, and then find a solution.

  • Secondly, it is important to look deep within yourself because the lack of assurance might be about you, rather than your partner.

  • For instance, your circumstances and emotional needs might have changed, and so you need more attention than before. Discussing this with your partner will yield better and more fulfilling results.

A fable doing rounds on social media, caught my eye recently.

It went like this. A woman decided to test her husband’s love for her. She wrote a note saying that she had decided to leave him, and then hid under their bed, to see his reaction.

When he came in and saw the note, he immediately called another woman and set up a date, telling her how happy he was that his “annoying” wife was finally out of his life.

He changed his clothes and even did a jig before he wrote a note, which he left on the bedside table and then left.

The woman was devastated as she tearfully crawled from under the bed. With many questions whirling in her mind, she saw the note, it read; “Your legs were sticking from under the bed, the phone conversation was made up; I’ve gone to the shop to buy bread. Get up and make me a cup of tea. I love you.”

Why would you find it necessary to test your partner’s love? How would this affect your relationship?

The desire to test a partner might be due to several factors. First, one might want to do it because there are trust issues in the relationship.

For some, there might be good reason to doubt their partner’s commitment, either because they see signs of lack of commitment, or there is a history of unfaithfulness.

To a great extent, however, it is more about the one testing; the one who has doubts and wants the assurance that he/she is loved. It might be an expression of insecurity that might not be founded on anything the other person has said or done.

DISASTER RECIPE

The man in our opening story made a good joke out of the situation, but I would be interested to know what he truly felt. In my opinion, realising that your partner doubts your love to the extent of testing it so dramatically might shift the relationship in some significant ways. It might, for instance, suggest to you that your partner has not been honest with you, harbouring doubts about your love, but not expressing it.

The feeling of, “So that’s what you think of me?” is not a healthy one in any relationship.

Another possible effect is that it might actually confirm something that does not exist. Think for a moment what would have happened if the man in the story had not seen his wife’s legs popping from under the bed, and actually called another woman.

A BETTER WAY

In my view, it is better to address the issues underlying your need to test your partner’s commitment to you, than laying a trap. Have an open discussion about any lingering doubts or any signs of waning commitment to the relationship, and then find a solution.

Secondly, it is important to look deep within yourself because the lack of assurance might be about you, rather than your partner. For instance, your circumstances and emotional needs might have changed, and so you need more attention than before. Discussing this with your partner will yield better and more fulfilling results.

Third; ask yourself the question; “What will I do with the results of this test, whichever way it turns out?”

You might realise that you are completely unprepared for the results, including the response of your otherwise faithful partner. In my view, whatever you intended to do after the test can be done without the test.

If it is loving him/her more because he/she passed the test, do it now. If it is confronting and addressing the possible cause of failing the test, do it now.