Want to be happy? Audit yourself

Back in my college days, I remember this classmate who once confidently declared, “I can live with any kind of woman.”

His argument was that if you know your strengths and weaknesses, (which presumably he did) you can co-exist with any personality type.

I do not know whether that belief still holds with the experience of marriage, but I concur with him on one point: That the key to a happy relationship is for you to know who you are.

Knowing who you are is a three-phase process comprising self-awareness, acceptance, and the willingness to act. In my experience, and from the testimonies of many people, relationships fail because people refuse to audit themselves. Unlike my friend who believed he had come to terms with who he was, dealing with self is a constant process because we are constantly affected by changes in and around us.

You will be exposed

It might be possible to keep things to yourself if you are single, but as many will attest, relationships reach deep within to dig out some of our best kept secrets.

Choosing not to confront who we are is, therefore courting unhappy relationships. One characteristic of such individuals is that whenever some of the hidden attributes are forced out, they take it out on their spouses, either by being abusive or blaming them for every small problem.

Further, they are extremely defensive and unwilling to have a structured way of resolving problems in the relationship. The point here is this: The real you will be revealed once you get into a relationship, and the sooner you accept and deal with it, the better for your and for your relationship.

Fear of knowing

One major reason for refusing to confront who we are is that people are usually scared of what they will find. An important question that counsellors ask people who are seeking to know themselves better is, “Are you sure you really want to know who you are?” For example, when you discover that you are deeply scared of rejection, what will you do with that information?
Responsibility

Besides the fear of knowing, people adopt the “better the devil I know than the angel I don’t” attitude because they do not want to take responsibility for making needed changes in their lives. A good example regards people who know that they are cruel to their spouses.

That might be due to their upbringing, but as they grow and get into a relationship, they become aware of it. However, they are unwilling to accept and deal with it, choosing instead to wear a façade of toughness that ends up destroying both themselves and their relationships.

Brings freedom

Let me declare this with boldness — happiness in relationships is only possible when you are free to be yourself, free to experiment, to make mistakes, and to recover from them without considering yourself a failure.

Such freedom comes only through knowing, accepting, and being willing to deal with who you are. The very common challenges of bloated egos, insecurity, and possessiveness are all signs of individuals who are not willing to battle with their demons and to slay them.

Back to my college friend. With the hindsight of 15 years in marriage, he now acknowledges that he was a tad too confident about being able to successfully co-exist with anyone.

That has, however, not changed his belief in the power of dealing with self as the gateway to successful relationships. What, however, he has had to accept is that he is only one half of the relationship. The other half must also be willing to do the same for the two to be happy together.

The writer is a counsellor. Do you have a question? Write to [email protected]