When you decide to get into the ‘box’, stay there

“If no one is hitting on your girlfriend, get another one!” I overheard a young man tell his friend.

This advice, whether it was given tongue in cheek or not, brings to the fore an important relationship dynamic: competition. The extent of competition in relationships today is enormous, and as the above statement suggests, it is not only expected, but might also be desirable.

How should we deal with such competition in our relationships? Let me share my thoughts on this issue.

“COMPE NI COMPE”

The sheng phrase, when directly translated, means “competition is competition” that competition is the name of the game. The fact that the phrase is common in relationship parlance today underscores the reality that one can only ignore competition at his own peril.

The intensity of the competition is heightened by the fact that unlike in the past where men were the hunters, the women in our modern society are hunters as well, fierce hunters if I might add.

Further, it appears that the hunting is continuous, because even after one gets ‘into the box’ he or she does not cease to be hit on. This might explain the research results published in local newspapers, showing that multiple relationships before and after marriage are increasingly becoming the norm in our society. 

Why does this competition happen?

First, what did you see in your partner that drew you to him or her? Was it their looks? The curvaceous figure, the six pack, the height or the big beautiful eyes?

Or was it the beauty of character, an aspect that struck a chord with you, making that person irresistible? Whatever it was, be aware that someone else has noticed these attractive qualities, and may be much more.

Second, people do not only see that which is attractive, they also see what they think you lack. In other words, someone looks at your relationship and feels that given a chance, they would be a better deal for your partner.

While some will stop at that, some will, like the proverbial hyena, follow at a distance, waiting for a chance to fulfill their fantasies.

A third reason might be because either one or both of you have not yet checked the ‘taken’ box, leaving you fair game to advances from others.

It is the fallacy of the ‘MBA’ (married but available) kind, or those that ‘think out of the box’. In this case, one is in the box (married or in a relationship) but is still hunting.

MORE FULFILLING

So, how do you deal with these kinds of scenarios? To begin with, accept the facts - that your partner will attract others who see what you saw. Also, accept that you are not a perfect lover, or at least that someone else thinks that he or she can do a better job with your partner than yourself.

Second, work towards becoming a better lover, not just to protect your partner from being ‘stolen’, but so that you can have a happier, more fulfilling relationship.

Third, and in my view this is the ultimate take away from today’s piece, love is a choice.

The person you fall in love with and hopefully settle down with is the person you have chosen to love.

Relationships that work are those based on mutual agreement, where the hunter and the hunted choose to end the chase and settle for each other, though this does not mean that you will no longer notice others or get attention from others.

But friends, the race must come to an end, and this is where the time tested wisdom wins over her modern counterpart: Wahenga walisema, “ukishikwa, shikamana.” In modern lingo, it means, “when you get into the box, stay there.”