WIFESPEAK: You’re single, what do you know about marriage?

When I was single, I had a friend, married, but going through some challenges with her husband.

One day, she called me;

“I’ve had enough of this! I am packing and leaving him,” She said. I cheered her on.

“You go girl, don’t sit there taking nonsense anymore.” Then, I believed that what she needed was my absolute loyalty.

As if lending a shoulder to lean on was not enough, with all the enthusiasm of an ignorant girl, I helped her move out and even stayed on to help arrange the furniture in her new house. Two months later, she invited me for her daughter’s birthday. When I showed up, her husband, who had been invited for the birthday party, pulled me aside, and without mincing words, told me off for breaking up his marriage!

“But you were mistreating my friend!” I exclaimed.

“You are single, what do you know about marriage? Wait until you get married before you start giving anyone advice!” he admonished me, and went on to introduce me to one of his single friends. Mortified, I left the party in a huff. Later, my friend called me to apologise and to let me know that she and her husband had made up and that she was moving back home.

“We had a slight misunderstanding but resolved it,” she said.

 And to think that I had sprained an ankle and almost broken my back moving furniture around! Obviously, I was in very foreign territory, something I now understand.

It took a fight or two early on in my marriage before I called one of my best friends, then in her sixth year of marriage, and told her how I was more than ready to pack up and leave my husband!

LONG, LONG LIST

I had my long list of accusations against him;

“He never listens to me, I do all the work in the house, he doesn’t compliment me anymore, he doesn’t’…”

“Hold on Karimi…you see, that is your side of the story. True, he should do all those things, but you should keep reminding him that they matter to you…” she said before I quickly jumped in.

“Do I have to remind him? It should be obvious! Unless he doesn’t love me…”

“Look now, don’t start telling yourself things. A man puts the effort to woo you, and once you are married, his mind moves on to other things, like providing for you, so, cut him some slack…” 

What was going on here?

“Whose side are you on anyway?” I asked her, upset. She was supposed to show me absolute loyalty, she was my best friend!

“I’m on both your sides. Let us all do lunch, couples’ lunch.” She suggested.

What I know for sure is, somewhere in the course of your marriage, you will face a major challenge, which will be made worse by your personality and gender differences. If anyone tells you that at one time or other you will not think of leaving your spouse, they will be lying. Usually, that happened during the first five years of marriage.

Other than legitimate reasons where your values differ, which should have been obvious during the dating period anyway, or if there is abuse of any kind, fights are actually normal, common and resolvable. I need to clarify here that by fighting I mean arguments and disagreements. There is no room for violence or disrespectful verbal onslaught in any relationship.

Life, like a marriage, is a journey of many lessons. I have learned that if you want to help a couple, do not take sides, because pretty soon, when the lights change, you will be left standing alone. And you will not know what hit you!

Karimi  is a wife and mother who believes marriage is worth it. Email: [email protected]