Should I dump my husband?

Should I dump my husband for this more exciting man?

Dear Kitoto,

Thank you for your honest advice. I am a married woman with two daughters. My husband is a wonderful man who treats me with respect. As a young girl growing up, I dreamt of a man who would show his love, not just by respecting me, but by doing things that other men do for their women.
My husband forgets my birthday, has never bought me flowers, chocolate, or even a simple card to show his love. I admire other women and their partners. I used to buy him gifts, flowers, and cards, but  somewhere along the way, I started feeling as if I was putting a lot of effort into the relationship while he was doing nothing. In fact, he will never even tell me “Thank you” or “Your dress is nice.” I have lived with this for more that 10 years.

I have found a male friend who says and does these things for me and I feel happy when I am with him because I feel that he appreciates me and treats me like a woman.

He now wants me to take our relationship to another level, and everything else seems so confusing. Please advise on the following:
1. Because I am happier as a person in the company of my male friend, should I leave my marriage and hook up with him?
2. How do I get my husband to do these things that I feel are important?
3. If I decide to stay in my marriage, is there any guarantee that things will change so that I will also be happy and feel appreciated as a woman?
Please advise.

Hi,

Your problem appears to be centred on the differences between the way we communicate and receive love. Just like two partners in a marriage think and act differently, no two marriages are the same. I am glad about one issue you have brought out, though: The fact that your husband respects you.

There are many marriages in which gifts flow like a river, but which lack some of the basic values that make a relationship thrive such as respect, trust, and faithfulness.

In his book The 5 Love Languages, Dr Gary Chapman explains how important it is for each party in a relationship to understand how they themselves, and their spouses, give and receive love. This brings to the fore a basic question: Is it possible for couples to truly love each other and yet leave one party feeling unloved because they do not share views on giving and receiving love? This is where your problem lies.

Dr Chapman argues that, generally, everyone has a primary love language that helps them filter how they receive and give love. The trouble is, since your husband is not meeting your primary love language, you think that he does not sense your true feelings and have started feeling dissatisfied with your relationship. Dr Chapman reasons that by understanding your spouse’s love language and acting accordingly, you fill their “love tank.” Currently, you feel that your love tank is running on fumes and burning out. And this empty feeling is making you feel unloved.

Dr Chapman identifies the five love languages as: 1) Words of affirmation, communicated when your partner expressively tells you how wonderful they think you are. 2) Acts of service, when you partner offers to help do stuff or run errands, thereby relieving you of those burdens. 3) Affection, shown in the form of a warm hug, a kiss, touch, and sexual intimacy that makes you feel truly loved. 4) Quality time, which is all about your partner being there, fully present and engaged in daily family issues. 5) Gifts, which involves your partner communicating his/her love through giving gifts that make you feel appreciated.

One partner can communicate love through one or more love languages and one love language might be stronger than another. Sadly, people sometimes make their partner communicate in a specific love language that is not his or hers.

She should swallow her pride and call him

Dear Mr Kitoto,

Thank you for your continuous emotional support to those of us who feel trapped whenever we face hurdles in our relationships.

I am writing to comment on an article in your column on 5 May titled “I’m still struggling to forget my heartless ex-boyfriend.”

The woman said: “The fact that he cannot even pick up the phone to call and ask how his son is doing....”

Your interpretation of this statement was that she was the one calling since you wrote, “...he has not bothered to take your calls or even visit.”
I have been married for seven years, which seems like a short time, but I have learnt a lot about men’s egos.

From experience, I would advise the woman to make the first move and call her ex-boyfriend.

She said they broke up when she was expecting. Pregnant women are very emotional; they vent their anger and stress on anybody, and especially their partner.

I imagine that the break-up bruised the man’s ego, so he is likely find it difficult to make the first move.

For the sake of their son, she should probably humble herself and call the man. Before attacking him, she should arrange to meet him alone, if possible with their son’s photos.

The first meeting should not be confrontational; she should apologise (if she had wronged him) or simply tell him that she thought it wise to show him the pictures of their son.

From the first meeting, she might be able to know if the man is interested or not. Then she can get wise, re-prioritise her future goals, and focus on caring for her child, as you concluded.

Hi,

Great insights and reflections on this woman’s issue. I am sure she will enjoy reading your perspective.

I agree that pregnancy causes women great emotional discomfort.

The emotions may be taken to mean that she is becoming possessive, indifferent, withdrawing from the man, or is overly sensitive about issues.

It is important to find a common approach to dealing with the resulting issues that cause confrontation and dissatisfaction and it should involve both the man and the woman.

We must also understand that, as the leader of his home, the man needs to take responsibility and lead in seeking healing.

A woman who is afraid to even call must have suffered a lot.

For the sake of his son, this man should show that he is a responsible person. I advise that he try as much as possible to do this and at the very least, reach out and be a father to his child.

My girl is confusing me with her mixed signals

Hi Kitoto,

I am 21 and she is 20. We have been dating for the past three years. We have never made love and have promised each other faithfulness.

My girl nowadays seems to care little about me and I am having trouble understanding her.

Though she promised to love me and claims that I am her only man, every time we meet she arouses my feelings but refuses to have sex without giving any genuine reason. She simply says, “I don’t believe in contraceptives.”

I am desperate. Please help.

Bonito

Hi,

At your age, being in a relationship for three years with a commitment to faithfulness is commendable. If I were you, I would commend the girl for her commitment to the agreed values. Remember that you promised each other that you would be faithful.

I suggest that you do not cause the breaking of the promise and force each other to have sex.

My experience in counselling has made me realise that something happens when a dating couple breaks such a commitment. It becomes much easier to be suspicious or tempted to enter other relationships outside the official one.

Apart from this, you should see her fears, not as refusal to show love, but as a commitment to stand by values that will help strengthen your relationship. Her fears of getting pregnant are also genuine.

Please remember that love can be expressed in may ways and that sex is not the only way of showing such love.

Further, in marriage, there may be a time when sex is not even an option, maybe due to extreme circumstances that one partner might be undergoing, such as illness.