PHIL SEZ: Cameras and the slap of the decade

Unlike pretty much the rest of the population, my lips don’t go into “duck mode” whenever I see a camera lens pointed at me. I usually duck (see what I did there?) before the flash can get to me.

Many people don’t get me because with Facebook and Instagram, the need to show everyone how “on fleek” you are is the real deal. I hate selfies naturally because I don’t like the way I look that close and I also love it when my left hand is visible and not cut off because it was taking the selfie.

Still, photos are not grinding my gears this week. Videos are. You have probably watched that epic break-up video that has been doing the rounds on Whatsapp and other social media platforms.

If you are not the girl whose father is a bleeping billionaire, then you watched the video with a big smile on your face. If you are the guy who was doing the dumping, you are probably happy that you did not lay your hands on her even after she blessed with you with such an epic slap, it should be in the second season of Empire.

No, really, that slap was two seconds away from being a tattoo. I abhor violence but I must address that slap. Here is how epic it was – it connected the poor guy with the pillar. Had it had a little more force, the guy’s head would be inside the pillar.

FACE INSIDE A PILLAR

Archaeologists would have showed up in Nairobi 10,000 years from today, gone through the ruins of that building and, when they are just about to give up, they would have stumbled upon a face inside a pillar with a hand print on it. That is how epic the slap was.

So anyway, if you are the third dude, then you are the hottest commodity in Kenya right now. Dude, I actually believe the authorities are looking for you, not to charge you, but to take your details so that your name will be on the Mashujaa list.

You, my friend, are a hero. The way you lifted that girl from the ground so your boy could flee was something that brought tears to many people’s eyes.

There will be songs about you that people will be singing on Mashujaa Day. His final line; “Get into the car and go” will be used in the next Fast and Furious movie. Mark my words.

That line was delivered with such confidence that the “slapee” did not even argue. He just hopped into his car and left. Even the girl did not object, she was stunned at how authoritative it was. It ranks up there with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s “I’ll be back” line.

HATE BIRDS

The two “hate birds” have since released a message saying they are back in love and wished karma on the owner of the phone whose camera phone captured the drama that even the writers of Game of Thrones would love to add to their show.

So back to why I duck when I see cameras. If every embarrassing thing you have ever done was captured on camera, you would jump from the ninth floor head first.

Think about some of the things you have ever done that make your skin crawl. Now imagine that moment was captured on camera? I have a natural phobia for cameras and that is why. I even forget to document my happy moments because a camera is not the first thing that comes to mind when I’m enjoying a moment.

Cameras do help, especially when they capture a thug in the act or someone doing something heroic but for every one such video, there are some 100 videos of couples documenting their hand-holding techniques or their food-chewing heroics.

Whenever two or three girls are gathered, there is a selfie moment happening, so I am always on the lookout for any duck lip sightings because that means a flash is imminent.