DALLIANCE DIARY: Beware of those who diss marriage

Thursday March 10 2016

You hate on what you do not have, even more,

You hate on what you do not have, even more, you hate on what you have no chance of having. Hating on things, I have come to accept, is a very human way of dealing with life’s disappointments. FILE PHOTO 

By CIKU KIMANI
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You hate on what you do not have, even more, you hate on what you have no chance of having. Hating on things, I have come to accept, is a very human way of dealing with life’s disappointments.

So, you hate it that you do not live in Runda? Chances are, you will not accept that you actually hate the fact you do not live in Runda, instead, you will start listing all the negatives about living in Runda.

If there are no obvious negatives, no problem, you will come up with several; “Runda is so impersonal, you don’t even know your neighbour” explanation: perhaps they do not like knowing who their neighbours are and that is why they live there?

“Oh, Runda is not even all that it is claimed to be, there are still muggings over there.” Explanation: Oh well, yes, but if somebody asked you to move from your Kangemi bedsitter to Runda, would you say no just because there are muggings in Runda as well?

Hating makes people feel better. It makes people believe that they are not missing much by not having that very thing they are pretending not to care about.

Listen to a group of single women talking about marriage, especially the women society thinks  should already be married. They will give all sorts of excuses as to why it is better to remain single. They will cite a friend’s bad marriage.

They will cite a male philanderer and declare it is better to be single rather than end up with such a man. They will declare their independence and take a half-hearted pact to remain single. 

PARTLY RIGHT

They would be partly right. Of course, being single is  better than living with an emotionally or physically abusive partner. Nothing is worth somebody making you cry yourself to sleep, night in, night out. A

cuddly toy is better than an abusive man with blood flowing in his veins.

But that declaration is usually half-hearted – no apologies for my insolence. Half of these women would snap up a marriage proposal in a second if they were offered, and especially if they were convinced that it is with the right person.

Declaring marriage a waste of time just because one person in a million has a bad marriage, to me, sounds like sour grapes. Sour grapes for not being married (and I am talking about both men and women in this case).

Sour grapes for not finding the right person. Sour grapes for having been dumped by somebody you liked. Sour grapes here, sour grapes there...

There are way too many bad marriages. In fact, I understand why anyone would declare to remain single forever, just from stories that make it to the media. But consider this; when a dog bites a man, it is

hardly newsworthy, but when a man bites a dog, it is huge news – watch as international broadcasters penetrate the deep forests of Thugunui to find the victim and the dog. The fact  is, there are more happy

marriages than unhappy ones.

TRUE STORY

A true story: five girlfriends, three of them single, one married, one engaged meet often. The married one never stays out late because she  has an agreement with her husband to always be home at a particular time.

She has no problem with that. In fact, she is happy to use it as an excuse to go home and catch her beauty sleep. The single girls think she has a raw deal.

They think her husband has taken away her independence, that a woman should be able to do exactly what she used to do when she was single (which does not make sense). The engaged girl listens with

mounting confusion. She wants to get married because she loves her man, but she doesn’t want her girlfriends to think that she has been “sat on” by abiding to the “rules and regulations” of marriage.

She is so confused, second thoughts have become regular. 

Married girl does not care much; she knows the facts, not the fiction.

Then, one day, her husband drops a bombshell – one of her single friends has been showing unwarranted interest in him. She had invited him for coffee several times, husband had obliged, mostly out of curiosity.

The girl mercilessly flirted and there was no doubt that she either wanted to replace her married friend, or to be the mpango wa kando, just to prove that marriage is a waste of time.

Next time you hate on something, look deeper to make sure it is not a case of sour grapes.