JONES: 7 Habits of a highly effective comrade

My old man, Grandpa Richard, has been heavily criticised by my comrades, for allegedly being a sadist.

In his defence, Grandpa Richard says that he has, indeed, gone over my comrades with a fine- tooth comb in an effort to find positivity, but the results were nothing to write home about. Nevertheless, he believes that one or two effective comrades actually exist, and outlines below seven habits of that rare species.

1. Has ambition

Such a comrade strives for happiness, independence, and more than just a modicum of success.

He uses his allowance to invest in bank accounts with compounded interest and buys cheap plots in Olenguruone as opposed to his mates who invest no further than in the latest edition of Fifa 15, flavoured condoms and shisha.

2. Keeps off smut

Nowadays, comrades aren’t just satisfied with looking at plain naked women as we all did during biology lessons.

Instead, they crave for stunt pornography complete with acts that go against nature and laced with domestic animals, toys and kitchen appliances.

An effective comrade detests the objectification of men, women and farm animals, and would actually browse the Internet with his clothes on so as not to pollute his mind.

3. Loathes online sports betting

An effective comrade will only make one gamble their entire lifetime, and that will be at the altar.

They will pay no mind to their mates who keep on wagering their parents’ money on the number of goals that Cristiano Ronaldo scores, because they aren’t driven by insatiable greed and the allure of doubling their money.

The idea of frittering their future on pipe dreams and easy money doesn’t appeal to them.

4. Stops sucking the parental teat after graduation

Nowadays, comrades are so terrified by the idea of working that they’d rather resign to their parent’s house and continue suckling for 27 years more than God intended.

An effective comrade understands that their parents have suffered enough bringing them up, and that it is cruel for them so stay around longer than stipulated in the Constitution.

5. Knows how to spell “success”

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, Grandpa Richard will once more lash out at my comrades’ sickening grammar.

He believes that many of my comrades rarely ever taste success because they insist on spelling it as “Xuksex”. An effective comrade knows their spellings and actually employs vowels and punctuation marks.

6. Meditates

Though religion has never been conclusively billed to shape one’s character, Grandpa is of the opinion that effective comrades are ever in touch with a supreme being,  whom they take time to communicate with, and meditate.

7. Is non-magnetic

It still escapes Grandpa Richard why comrades insist on walking about looking like scrap-metal experiments gone wrong.

The amount of ornaments my comrades sport are downright freaky. Effective comrades understand that just because Jesus had nails driven through His person doesn’t mean they have to mark Easter by driving grenade pins through their noses and genitalia.